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It sounds like you've had a very rough life and to me, it sounds like you're a very good person with a big heart, it's just that you struggle to show it because of how depressed you are. Your lack of self-esteem and confidence hinder your ability to talk to people and although you want someone to reach out and catch you, you don't know who to turn to. By joining TeenHelp is already an accomplishment because whether you realise it or not, that is a really big step! It shows that underneath all of your sadness, you want to feel better.

I've never lived on a farm but I do know that feeling of seclusion, where you're out in the middle of no where with your family and you can't share anything with them because they start either talking about themselves or they'll just say or do something to make things worse. It makes us feel angry because underneath we feel neglected, "What about me?" "What about what I feel?" And with no one to listen to us, the anger increases. This is because of how unheard we feel and how we feel we're neglected. Your mum talking to herself, I don't know why or what the reason for her talking to herself was but like you, my mum does very, very similar and the reason for it was because underneath, she was very depressed herself and it was her way of expressing and coping with pain.

I think underneath all you want to do is for someone to listen and understand you and I feel this is where your depression is coming from. I know this might not be what you want to hear, but improving your diet will also help you to mentally, feel a little better. Some foods contain natural ingredients which help encourage the chemicals in your brain to improve on its production. These brain chemicals are very important in helping is because once they reach a low point, this is where depression sets in and then the negative thoughts and feelings start to emerge.

You said you've never had a single friend in your life. Some friends are not always found through our daily lives and while some people will say, "Go out and get friends", it's a lot harder than it looks! Not everyone has the ability to make friends easily, many people find it hard to because they feel they're not very sociable or they just feel that the person they meet will judge and hurt them in one way or another. I grew up with 'friends'. Not friends, 'friends'. I would talk to them in school but after that, I never spoke to them again. Friendship does require communication in one way or another or the friendship will fall apart, many of people I knew I never talked to after school and then I never saw them again. To me those 'friends' were more like acquaintances, however, the greatest of friends I have found have been here online. The internet is filled with a vast majority of varied types of people from different cultures, backgrounds and ethnicities. I find it's so much easier to make friends with people online than in-person because it allows us to do so many things that we can't do in-person such as meet someone from another country. Here in TeenHelp you'll find there's people just like you and they also have suicidal thoughts, they feel their families don't pay attention to them and that they feel like they have no friends. This is how friendships are made, through having something in common with someone else.

You said that when you tried something new you gave up after a few days. Maybe what you're trying isn't challenging enough to you or that what 'new' thing you're trying isn't interesting to you? Perhaps this is why you give up easily. Like you I've had terrible trouble with motivating myself to do anything. I tried all my usual things, play online games, go outside, go for a walk. Nothing was interesting but then I found that it was a simple matter of talking to someone new, not doing something new. Maybe what you're doing is too household-restrictive? How do you feel about going for a walk a little away from your family for half an hour or so? Do you have any hobbies and interests? If you feel you don't have any or many, think about something in the opposite direction to the hobbies you have now. If you like being in your room, try going outside of your room and being outside. As you go to school if you can, see if you can stay out a little more after school. These different changes can help us to feel good an walking in itself is enjoyable.

One thing I would suggest is that you try to make an appointment with your GP, if you're in America and you have health insurance you'll be ok to. From there you can talk to a doctor about how you feel and they'll be able to point you in the right direction and help you to feel better. Have you also considered counselling of any sort if you haven't already? Talking to someone about all these feelings you have to a counsellor might be useful to you because they can help give you ways of helping you to recover.

Whenever you get seriously low periods that you want to commit suicide, remember that there's a lot more to life than death. You can't find relief for your problems if you're dead, you must be alive to seek it. Think positively. It is very hard to think positively but you can do it. Believe in yourself and know that you can and that you will overcome all of those negative thoughts and feelings!