[jca550]

Hi everyone.

I've completely given up on myself and life, it all started around 10 years ago and ever since then I became a little more depressed with each day.

I have never had a single friend in my life, my family don't trust each other and I don't even love them or like them and I've never had anybody to talk to comfortably. I see a group of friends or a girlfriend and boyfriend and all I think about is that I will never have it, like trying to touch the sky with your hands.

A year ago I just left school, I was getting sick of everybody avoiding me like the plague, the teachers basicly ignoring me and always being treated like a diseased possum. Besides that, because of being very depressed all those years I had a serve lack in concentration therfor I felt like I never learnt anything at school so I packed it all in and one day I woke up and said to my mother, "Know what? **** this, I'm not going because it's ***."

Oh and there is something else... Two years ago I started getting this slight pain in my heart, I don't even care. I still have and while I'm typing this I feel it burning. It may be pain but I just really don't give a ****.

My parents always using me as their stress ball, they have argument and want to relieve stress, oh don't worry let's just go into his room break crap and lock him outside all night, in winter with nothing but my damn underwear mind you. Worst of all, I live on a farm so nobody is around. I always loved my own dog more than my parents

Atleast I feel happier knowing my father shot himself, first thing I though... "Well about goddamn time ***hole." Funny... (Not for the faint-hearted)... After he shot himself and a little of his brain went flying, the dog ate it, I just smiled... Yeah, yeah... Sad I know.

These days though, I sit around the house all day watching series and playing games. Don't even have the energy to walk 100 meters. I eat crap, I suffer from constipation about every month because I'm inactive and do nothing but sit around. Hang on a second though, when I said I play games allow me to be a little more... Well let me tell you exactly why I play games, not for the fun, oh no. To be in another world, I have emotion connections to characters in video games, not those FPS games I'm talking about real RPG's, I love just loading it up and hanging around in game virtually relaxing because frankly, I feel more at home in a world that doesn't exist than a real world because people suck, life sucks.

Whenever I tried something new I always gave up on it after a few days of starting, weither it was writing, exercise, or a new skills I always gave up, I couldn't push myself. Still can't.

I lay in bed every night hoping my mother will be next to die, that's when I go to bed mind you! Either I stay awake 48 hours in a row or I sleep 16 + hours.

These days I'm eating real bad, I'm having fried chips just about everyday with salt, eating about a half or more of an entire cake and a big packet of chips. I'm gaining wieght, and I'm not eating real food, forget dinner, bag of chips, forget breakfast, cake and tea. I guess for suicide that's the way to go right?

I put on a happy face every day and pretent to care whenever my mother starts talking about herself, that brings me to another thing. She just wont shut her ****ing mouth about herself, I could be talking about clouds, paint, or frogs and somehow she finds a way to make it about her and I'm tired of it, she's the only human interaction I have had in the pass 3 years.

the truth is I'm basicly already dead, the thing is though... I can't commit suicide, I have held a knife to my throat, I have stood on the edge of a bridge but I just don't have the courage to pull that final trigger. I don't see any point on living, I have no skills, I have nothing to offer anyone, I don't even have to confidence to say a simple "Hello." to a stranger, the only thing I do have, or will have when my mother dies, the inheritance money which is more than enough to last a lifetime.

That's my story, so what do you say to that? By the way I'm 17, so yeah a perfect start to a great life wouldn't you agree? And please mind my grammar and spelling, never got the chance to focus my English. Sad for someone my age huh?

Well if any of you have advice then please say something, just don't drop something big on me, "like go get a job", or "Go make some friends". I need something very small to start with.