[Not_here]

They walk on eggshells
with caution, beware
one sudden move
they'll scare her for good
they study her like a map
to avoid surprise attacks
one trigger, she'll snap
already broken
already cracked
she's sensitive to everything.

A glance at her reflection
from a window in her room
fingers ease into place
running through
every direction
touching scars
along her face
examining the marks
on her cheeks, from up close
seeing the permanent holes
from when she lost control
feeling trapped in her skin
tortured by damage she's done

They tried to fix her
they tried to repair
convince her to change
her stubborn heart
make her brave, make her smart
mend the shattered shards
have the courage, have the will
to continue still, when
times are hard
but she resists and insists
"I don't deserve this"
the scars forever remain
it's only her to blame.

They don't stay with her
they have their own life
she's slowing them down
causing them to lag behind
places to go, people to meet
they say a prayer
and leave
they don't see her bleed
she covers it, long jeans
she speaks the language
words cannot express
she started when she was four
it's what she knows best.

Walking in the storm
shoulders slumped ,back aching
kicking pebbles
mind racing
pacing
uneasiness grips chest
sharp painful breathes
rushing speed
though legs beg to rest
pulse thumps
pressure rises
crossing streets on
red lights
not stopping
urges pounding fiercely
demanding action
starting to panic.

Just then she reaches the site
sits under tree
she comes here to cry
without being seen
she tastes what it's like
to be free
even temporarily
it's enough to know
where she wants to be
and where she should go
she sinks
in worry and emotions
thinking
perpetuating the vicious cycle

They find her alone
the park gates are closing
they call her name,
an absent reply
"coming"
her voice
muffled and distant
mind hard at work
full of noise
chaos inside
weighing her options
to give up
or keep fighting
----------------
I wrote this yesterday.