Hey guys, this thread is certainly going to be stupid but I need to write it down to feel I told someone.
I've always had a great appetite, I'm very gourmand. I'm the one who eats the rest when the family doesn't want to finish, the one who cannot resist to cookies. I had always eaten a little bit more than the others when I was alone but didn't feel guilty, just thinking that i was really a pig to eat so much but whatever it was done.
On February I cut down all the high carb, lost weigh, but ended binging. Of course I was so happy with my new me : thinner. But restricting is too hard too frustrated. I remember telling this to my shrink and she told me stop this or you'll be caugh in the vicious circle of bulimia. That was the perfect plan : bulimia. I was craving for it almost wishing I had it. ( I know this is so stupid I feel very ashamed telling this). And in march, I purge for the first time. I had found THE solution. From then, I binge and purge regularly, more than once a week, and the purging is almost everyday, once to twice a day. I read a lot of articles about bulimia, and when I do binge, it's not for some emotional reasons ( althought sometimes it is but it's rare) its more like, it's all or nothing, either I don't eat this chocolate, either I eat all of it knowing that I can get it out and that I still have the last word, winning the battle. The worst is I don't feel guilty afterward, and that's really upsetting me. It makes me wanna cut myself to punish me but I don't, I'm 5 weeks clean and I don't wanna relapse.
I was only guilty when I plugged my shower because of my puke and my maid had to clean it and I had to lie to my parents telling them I was sick.
I think often about food. I have a desire to lose weight but its not strong as it used to be and a love for food. It's a control thing. I don't even know why I'm doing it and I feel so stupid. But I really do like it, it's my own little secret my dark face, everyone thinks I'm the good girl etc
I'm going on summer camp and I look forward to it cause there I could skip meals without no ones telling me to eat isn't that weird ?
I wear leggings sometimes to make an electroshock to me like this when I will look into a mirror I will be disgusted. I'm making this to embarasse myself, I'm crazy!!!
I weight myself a lot like 7 times a day. I know I'm at a completely regular weight but its not enough for me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. I don't wanna get help, I wanna be on my own, it's not that bad, it's like I wanna be really sick before to seek for help.
it's not out of control, i can stop but i don't want. Eating whatever you want knowing that you can purge it is so tempting, so easy..
Sorry for this long and uninteresting post. I'm so boring.