[MBach528]

Back in July, I was raped by my ex-boyfriend.

We had dated for about three weeks (yeah, I know, not long, but he was my first boyfriend ever and he completely brought me out of my depression). When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I had cried for hours every day and night after. So when he texted me two weeks after we broke up, saying he wanted to see me, hold me, touch me, kiss me again, I couldn't refuse. I missed him so much, I hoped things would go back to normal.

So we met at my local ice cream parlor (an outdoor place). I was there first. When he got there, he sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, the same passionate kiss we had shared just a couple weeks ago. He suggested we go behind the building, into a little forest, where we could talk and settle our problems privately. I agreed, too innocent to realize, at the time, that he was staring right at my breasts.

When we got to a place where nobody could see us, we sat down and he started kissing me again. Before I knew it, we were making out. He started touching me in ways he knew I wasn't comfortable with, but I didn't argue or protest because I so desperately needed him back - he had pulled me out of my depression for a time, he had stopped me from self harming and I actually felt happy ALL THE TIME. I wanted that back, I NEEDED that back. So I let him continue.

But when he slipped his hand up my shirt, I pulled away. I told him that I couldn't, my past sexual abuse was still too fresh. I told him we needed to slow down. He pulled me into another deep kiss and asked me if I trusted him. I told him that I couldn't after he cheated on me. He then apologized for hurting me like that before, and started kneading my breast.

He told me he loved me and wanted to be my first everything. Then he laid me on my back, straddled my waist, and lifted my shirt up. I squirmed under him, trying to get away. He said, "C'mon baby, don't you love me?" I told him I wasn't sure if I could anymore and started to back away some more. He then grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him, which triggered flashbacks of my previous assault. He told me he didn't want to scare or hurt me.

I started to cry. I told him I can't, and he said I didn't have to do anything, he could do all the work. With that, he took my shirt off and slid his hands under my bra.

I'm not proud to admit that I gave up. I let him do whatever. I was terrified that this was happening again, and I didn't have the courage to fight like I had the last time I was assaulted. He forced me to give him a blowjob. When he started to enter me, I shoved him away, finally realizing that I still could fight. He tried twice more to enter me, but I kept shoving him away. At one point he was all the way in... I finally slapped him, hard, across the face. I got dressed and ran, all the way home. I felt so disgusting and sick. No matter how many times I showered, the disgusting feeling wouldn't leave me. I kept thinking, "why did I let this taken again?"

Recently, I've been having more nightmares and flashbacks about this. I've come to terms with what happened, with the fact that it was rape. However, the flashbacks and nightmares are worse then before.

I don't know for sure, but I think I have an idea of why I'm feeling this way. For the three months after the rape, there was a pregnancy scare. I had missed my period three months in a row, I was gaining weight, having cravings, I had morning sickness, basically all the signs of pregnancy. I was about to get a pregnancy test when I got my period. But this is around the time I would have been due. I'm wondering, could that maybe be triggering my flashbacks and nightmares??