[Raining Glitter]

I did say no, stop it a few times, but not firmly or directly and he probably assumed I was sleep talking. The reason why didn't put up much of a fight was because his roommate was in there. If I make a fuss, the roommate would make a fuss. I don't want my friend getting in trouble or having the campus turned against him. I don't want anyone even knowing about this. I was in his room by choice... and we were close. It just would look bad and I honestly can't handle that negative stigma right now. I have enough on my plate with my homelife to begin with.

I just was hoping it wasn't as bad as I think it was. That it was all in my head. Because why the fuck would he do that to me? I don't understand it at all. So I laid there. But I didn't respond back to him. I didn't make it easy for him. I played dead. I would constantly adjust/roll away, but he would use his fucking strong arms and grab my face and put it against his every time I would move away. I nearly bit his tongue. It was clear that I was not reacting back the way someone who you care about would.

He also knows how it's hard for me to say no. The same thing with saying no happened on the trip. I would, he guilt tripped me and told me to calm down in order to not start a scene. Told me to just fucking go along with that. When we talked about it, he said it was to keep me calm, but now I'm having second thoughts on his intentions.

He knows the reason why it's hard for me to say no is because how I was raised: how it was fucking programmed in my mind. If someone cares about you, you give them what they want and you let them express how much they love you. My mom always gives me these painful hugs that are suffocating and uncomfortable. I need to just lay there in her arms while she kisses me saying how much she loves me, until she done. You fucking play dead. It's easier to deal with the situation once they finished. I knew I probably should have said something, but it's like he's suppose to care about me and I didn't want to get him in trouble or upset him or be a bitch. I didn't want to be that fucking ungrateful person my mom tells me I am.

He fucking knows I'm like this, we had several strong discussions before about it. That's why we had those boundaries set: so he wouldn't accidentally cross them and hurt me. But now I'm just wondering, what the fuck? He said he wanted to help me through my trauma of my abuse but now I feel like he was just taking advantage of me. I just feel so alone about all of this.

I already decided that I'm going to talk to him less. He wanted to see a movie with me tonight at a movie theater. It's stupid because after what happened, he still expected me to see it with him. It got to the point where I said I'm too busy with homework, and that got him to back off.

I know I need to talk to him more about this. I hate the idea of communicating about it through text, but I honestly feel like I can't stand my ground properly when I speak to him in person. He just acts like it's no big deal when it is. He knows too. He gets extremely freaked out when guys touch him-at all. So it's like what the fuck dude... you did worse to me. So much worse.