[Lamia]

(Very triggering)
I want to cut right now. I've never cut, I haven't wanted to in three years. Just as I was starting to get comfortable being "probably transgender" the pain, insecurity, fear, and doubt all came back. I need an escape. I want to see blood right now, I want to cover myself in it, taste it, revel in sweet, sweet depravity. I want to turn my humanity off and forget these problems and break every single taboo in the fucking universe. Not like I'm going to. Of course I'm not going to. But I want to, because at least then I can call myself a monster, depraved, instead of not even knowing who or what I am anymore. I feel sexless. Not as in androgynous, not just as in not seeing myself as either gender. I feel inhuman and sick and wrong and like some sort of "thing"'instead of a person.

I hate this. I want to bury it again, and I'm almost, but not quite willing to bury it in blood. I said in a blog post that I was sure I was never going to cut, but unsure that I wouldn't ever come close. This is one of those times of me coming close.