Sopie,
my first boyfriend abused me. While he didn't abuse me sexually, I felt like you did. That I had to let him. He was gentle but insistive so I went along with him. whatever. we never had sex though and we eventually broke up (for non sexual reasons) This combined with other stuff from my past made me like you. I was terrified of touch, not just sexually. I would freak out if one of my friends touched me If I intiated, like a hug I was okay, but if they hugged me, not okay and I would have a panic attack.
lol, thats just back story so you know I kinda know where you coming from. Let me tell you, when you find someone you like, just take it slow. If they like you they will be okay with that. My current boyfriend (my 2nd) has been absolutely wonderful in that area. He took it super slow with me and understood sometimes I would want to do something (like make out, or whatever) but then I would panic and start to cry. He would stop, and hold me while I cried. He's great
I think you need someone to show how great intimacy can be. start slow, if a person is worth your time, they will be willing to go slow for you.