[Lamia]

Fuck. The dysphoria is back. It's back, and now I'm curled up in the bathtub crying typing this from my phone because I need to put it out there. I've told people, sure, but it still feels like my secret, my thing and I want to tell my mom about it, hell, at this point, I almost want to tell my dad about it, and I want them to hug me and say it's alright, that they'll help me through this. I want to tell my best friends, and I want them to tell me they have my back, but I don't think I could make them understand. How could I when I don't fucking understand either? And then half of my brain tells me "Jon. You're name is Jon, and you had better snap the hell out of this, because you can never be this. This is a phase, and you're going to get over it, and you're going to fucking wish you had never made these posts, wish you had just dismissed it as a minor thing and hid it away deep inside you like you've done before, and just keep it there."

But I can't, can I? Or is this just an extension of the escapism I seem to have so badly, the want to just forget about this life and go wander about in some fantasy world as someone else. Maybe my escapism is an extension of this.

And I better pray to whatever god I believes in that this goes away, that I simply learn to deal with it, because if not, my life gets so much harder.

Sorry I ranted. I needed to get it out.