Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

But you need to understand the whole perspective. [Edited] We are in a long term relationship (3 and a half years to be exact).

I love her more than anything in the world and I know she feels the same for me. We usually (thank God) have no serious, not even slight, issues in relationship, and are able to solve any problem by simply communicating with each other.

But this issue really annoyed me dearly. She said to me, as if it was no big deal, that she finds my friend attractive. I found it very disrespectful.

Now, I would not make a big deal out of it, because looking from my perspective, honestly, I find other women (although not her friends, not even acquaintances) attractive as well. But I am not that disrespectful about it, in fact I consciously make myself look at my feet any time if it even crosses my mind for a moment that some woman is attractive. Let alone telling her that so coldly.

But on the other hand, she is honest with me, and always has been, and was honest about that, and I logically don't want to hold it against her in any way. But emotionally it drives me crazy, and I just cannot control that.

I should also probably add that if it happened only once, randomly, I would make myself forget about it. But the problem is she told me this a couple of times now. And told me she had a dream of having sex with another friend of mine. Now, I don't know if I behave rationally or not - but I find it very very very disturbing.

So I told her what my concerns were, asked her how would it feel if I openly told her I like some of her friends, but she just gets angry for... I don't know, for not trusting her probably, and for making big deal out of nothing. So I can't solve this by talking. Everything else is really wonderful, but this issue makes me very angry and worried and sometimes I cannot even sleep when I think about it.

I don't understand what is her motivation to push the only button which can make me angry when she is around. After all this time she probably knows my personality perfectly and knows this is the only thing which ever ticked me off. That's why I guess she does it intentionally, but I don't see a reason for that.

What do you think - is that ok and I am overreacting, or I should do something about it?

Thank you in advance for taking your time to read this!

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

That is exactly what I said in my post. But after that I also said that this is what my logic tells me. Still, emotions are quiet different from my logic.

Also those are not just some random attractive people - those are my friends. For example, if she said she found Brad Pitt attractive, I would just let it go and not spend a moment thinking about it - simply because it is impossible idea. But I think this is different. We see these people often, and I am not comfortable at all that she finds any of them attractive - she should simply not look at them that way, just as I don't look at her girlfriends.

To tell you the truth, I would honestly best feel if she had never told me anything. Again that's what my emotions say. My logic says it's great she is so honest with me.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

I completely know and understand the feelings she has and probably the feelings you had at that moment. But I just can't help it, what I feel is just horrible. I try to let it go, but I can't, especially if she reminds me every other month, with different dream of attraction.

But I just don't understand why would you for example think (I don't mean you see someone and just think for a moment that he is cute, but ACTUALLY THINK) about other guys, if you have all your needs met in a relationship.

I would accept her finding someone attractive on subconcious level (like what I mentioned just for a brief moment, or maybe even during dreams), but I don't understand conscious thinking about attractivness of other guys. Why on earth should she think about their attractivness intentionally if I give her everything (and I literally mean EVERYTHING she wants).

The main problem here I see is that I believe she has at least some control over it, and that's probably the thing which bothers me most.

Hey, but now the problem is that I won't appreciate it if she just stops mentioning it now. She has "planted a seed" now, and even if she doesn't mention it, I (hope I won't but more probably) will think she still thinks that but is just not honest now. She shouldn't have told me in the first place, because I was clueless about it, it would never bother me that way.

Santa, you are genius! - "Maybe it makes her feel better" - that is exactly what she said- her words, when we talked about it. She said she tells me that because it makes her feel very guilty what she feels sometimes, and it makes her feel much better when she is honest.

Oh don't say such things, I am supersticious :D Of course she hasn't lost interest - I'd feel that. Neither will she, I don't want to brag, but other than being very jelaous and controlling I am an excellent catch in every other aspect, and she knows it :D And I make her feel loved all the time, and don't intend to stop doing so ever. :)

I know I am lucky - I know it is so rare and precious to find someone so sincere, and loving :) I really feel that. And I really feel from deep inside my heart we could make it work forever like this - we were just perfect match in everything. I always bear in mind I could hardly find someone so special ever again. Which is exactly why I want to solve this issue with myself and let it behind us for our sake :)

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

If my future gf found anouther male attractive, i would flip out.

I know that's my issue :) But I can't help it, that's the way I am and the way I (and her as well) were brought up. It (some strange behaviour patterns like controlling and being extremely sensitive to things like this) is also a sort of a cultural thing we were taught. [Edited] we both have the same ethic codes wired in our heads which you may find strange. [Edited] we still keep the same values our families had. This is one example of consequences of having such values. It's not like it is bothering only me. It is bothering her as well. When I unintentionally look at someone of the opposite sex she also gets a bit angry. When she finds someone attractive I'm sure (and she said that too) she actually feels guilty.

Yeah you are right, and I don't just think about the fantastic time we had - I also think about fantastic life ahead of us which is to come. And it makes me feel happy and very secure when I think about it that way, and it makes things like this unimportant. Although, I just know I will get angry again if she mentions it again. Don't want to, but can't help it.

Yes, you are right. I know, and the fact she tells me things like this proves, that she trusts me most, and I will appreciate it from now on and not complain :)

Thank you so much :hug:

Well I think I also overreacted a bit when I think about it after having some sleep, because after all, she didn't say she had feelings for them (in fact, I know for sure that she really doesn't like at all the guy in her dream, he is honestly faaaaaaaaar away from being attractive by anyone's standards). And for the other one, I really think it just crossed her mind, but she felt guilty about it and had to tell me.

Anyway, I'm sure she wouldn't trade me for any of them, so I really have no reason to torment myself with stupid thoughts. :)

Well you got that one - too much honesty is really not that good, if it is about such unimportant yet touchy subjects. That's why I never talk with her that way (like mentioning this or that girl is attractive), and because I understand that, I was so surprised she insists on not just annoying me once, but repeating that several times. But I guess she thinks it's a good thing, she doesn't intentionally say that to make me feel bad.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

I didn't say it's a bad thing. I said I am aware that I am controlling, that I have that trait, not that I believe it's bad and it needs to change. I honestly don't see being controlling is a bad thing, if you don't overdo it.

What should I do otherwise - be completely ok with everything that happens to me, and never take control over anything in my life and relationship?

Under the term "issue" I meant being controlling. You are right about anything else (if issue was I don't know - dishonesty, being bad tempered, being insensitive, whatever, then it is something that needs to be fixed and would make me a better person. And I'd never give up on that and say "Ok, I'm bad, but I can't help it". I like to evolve and become a better person, to fix my negative traits and develop positive ones. But I think I would become a weak and not better person if I gave up on controlling completely. Then everyone would think they could do whatever they want with me, including my girlfriend. Well, they just can't.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

I'm a girl and have kind of been in the same situation... in fact I still kind of liked my ex-boyfriend till a few months back... it sucks, yes, and I myself felt guilty for such betraying feelings... I love my boyfriend a lot, that I do not doubt, but feeling anything towards my ex kills me on the inside and if I don't tell my present bf about it, then it makes me feel unfaithful towards him...my ex and he were (hopefully are) friends... he doesn't show the pain or hurt which he feels when I talk about my ex and that sucks the most... I try and avoid meeting my ex and seeing him as best as I can... that seems like the only solution to me... your gf can't exactly do that but ask her if she can keep it to a minimum... maybe that'll help... :)

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

I am married and still find other men "attractive" and I know my husband still finds other women attractive, because we discuss it openly.

I'd be worried if he didn't notice the hottie walking in the mall with her ass hanging out of her skirt, or didn't have celebrity crushes. Now I don't find any of his friends attractive, they're all either pot heads or drunks...

at least she's being HONEST with you.

I know it's ok she finds sometimes someone ocasionally attractive, really I'm ok with that, I know I am not the perfect best possible man that has ever been born in the world. But ocasionally, for a moment, without any importance! Not to repeat to me that she finds MY FRIEND attractive couple of times.

I am fully aware it is great she is so honest, but then again, I know I'd feel much much better if she kept it to herself.

Fortunately my situation is not like that, it's not that much serious, it just makes ME feel uncomfortable. No feelings for anyone from her side are involved - it's just plainly recognizing someone's beauty/charisma/whatever. She never had anyone before me, so luckily I don't have to worry about such things :D

I KNOW she would never be with anyone she says she finds attractive, that's not problem at all. I didn't understand why she needs to tell me that all the time. But I understand now - guilt and urge to be honest with me. Which is essentialy a good thing.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Then tell her that!
You need to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that she finds your friend attractive, and she talks to you about it.

Really any other analyzing will do nothing if you do not go to the source of your discomfort.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

No, really, I got over it now... until the next confession probably :)

I can't tell her, because it upsets her when I make a big deal out of it. Because honestly it's no big deal. It just makes me feel bad, but it's really not that important. It's my problem I take things too seriously, not hers. I think if I mention it once again to her I will get slapped :D So I think it's just better to let it go for now. If she heard anything I told her about this so far, she will probably stop doing that, too.

But if she mentions it one more time, I swear to God I will wait a couple of days and when she forgets about it, and then I will start passing comments about her "hot" friends :D I would like to see if she will still think that's ok :)

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Thank you for answering!

Of course that's exactly the only thing which is important, what you said.

I do it, she does it from time to time, I get it how it works, there's nothing we can do about it. But I'm still bothered by following: how come I have the control over myself to look down immediately when I notice someone attractive purely out of respect for my girlfriend, and she on the other hand openly says "That guy is so handsome". I can guarantee that if I said "Wow, that girl is so hot" she would get very angry at me, hell she gets angry if she catches me looking just for a second. Well, if she knows exactly how it feels I was confused why she would do the same thing to me, if not worse, anyways.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

I completely understand where you're coming from. It wouldnt be the fact it was another guy, but the fact that it was one of my friends, that would really send me off. But I guess that says more about me own insecurities really.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

It's not insecurity. I, for example, have literally everything I want in life, and really have nothing to be insecure about.

I just think it's a plain lack of respect for me. Until I got her explanation. Now I know that the reason is that she is tacless at times and doesn't think too much before she speaks.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

it is a good thing... but don't get back at her... how would that be any better?

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Well it wound not be any better for me, that's for sure, but I guess she would feel how it is like, at least. Because simply telling and explaining her does not do the trick. Never. But making her feel something and not understand something - well that's worked for me many times before.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

she would feel that and it'll hurt, that's a surety... maybe it'll help but then it wouldn't change the fact that she's attracted to other males... that doesn't go away... you'll hurt her as well as yourself when you see her pain... and there's the possibility that she might stop telling you all this... you yourself said that you don't want her to hide stuff cause then you'd feel that she's being unfaithful or something.... umm... I gotta go sleep... got school tomorrow and have to wake up at 6:30 (groan) bye ttyl tc gn sd :) sleep tight... will talk tomorrow :)

Of course they are. Everything in life is a kind of mind game and relationships are no exception. We cannot ever be someone else and change someone else, but with mind games we can at least change the way they look at some things.

''"You did it to me, so I'll do it to you" mindset is horribly immature'' - true. IF revenge is the only purpose of it. But what if there is a more important goal which you want to achieve with it?

I won't have to do it anyways, I think we solved the problem.

Thanks for answering. We went a bit off topic with all this talking about getting back at her. My point, even if it did happen, would not be to hurt her, just to make her feel what I feel for a moment, and then tell her that was something I intentionally did to make her realise what she's been doing to me. Because honestly I don't find anyone besides her really attractive - sometimes I see someone hot, but that's it - I see them and never think about them afterwards. But it won't happen anyway, I'm sure.

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?
 

Sure they are, thats what relationships are about

Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive?