Milestones before Dating/Marriage

[thebigmole]

So I was just wondering on what people's opinions of what relationship milestones should a couple hit before getting engaged or married.

Personally I think that before getting engaged you should be dating for at least a year, because a lot can happen in a year, people change a lot and you need to see if your relationship can survive a long amount of time.

I think that living together is an EXTREMELY important thing to do before getting married. I mean you hear all the time with divorced couples, "Oh I love him, I just can't live with him." You can love someone but if something about them drives you crazy and they can't or won't change it it's not going to work out.

I also feel that sex before marriage is a must. Sexual chemistry is extremely important in long term relationships, and I'm sorry but unfortunately just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll satisfy you.

Meeting the parents I think is a must before engagement. So many people just rush through the relationship process these days. You know you only get to be in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage once and it is different than the husband/wife stage, so enjoy the first stage a little. There tends to be more romance in it anyway.

So thoughts?

[how.we.operate.]

Personally, I feel that it is definitely crucial that you see if you can live together. If you don't get along while under one roof, you'll run into a lot of problems. This allows you to see what problems you have and how to learn to compromise.
Sex...I'm not so sure about this one. It seems like a lot of couples already have had sex before marriage. There are some couples that survive without having sex before marriage, but I think it depends on the couple and their sexual desires.
Definitely should meet the family. If your family doesn't like your boyfriend/girlfriend, there will be a lot of issues in the future.
I think one milestone should be finish college-this is if at least one person is going to attend college. Although it is cute to get married and there is a lot of pressure on engagement, I think it is important to get an education and focus on your education. I think it is alright to make plans/engagement before college ends, but a wedding should take place after graduation.
I think that the couple should date for at least a year. Marriage is a huge thing and you should spend a good portion dating, there is no rush to get married.
One important milestone that I'd say happens a lot, but it is good to recognize-work through a big fight/argument. If you haven't had a huge fight before marriage, how do you know how to work things out? Compromising and making up is a huge part of a relationship and it is vital to know that you can work things out.

[Troubled_Tina]

i agree with the above
but one other would be making sure u are both personally ready for the commitment and settling down... just because you cant imagine ure life without this person and want to be with them forever doesnt mean u are ready just yet..
cheating is a no but dont hurt someone in the long wrong just because u did what u wanted spur of the moment

[Lugez]

I can sorta agree with the first part. I would personally say at least 3-5 years but that's just me. Just one year seems way too fast.

I can see your argument about living together, but I do have problems with it. You see, when a couple gets married and starts to live together, I think there is a MUCH greater incentive to work things out because of the commitment they both agreed to. After all, you're married and love each other very much.

But if you live together before you're married, that degree of necessity just isn't there. It's too easy to walk away and say "I don't like the way this guy lives BYE." Instead of trying to work things out, it's much easier to just quit in this case. Basically, I think married couples will try harder to compromise than non-married ones.

Ideally, I think the couple shouldn't be officially "living" together, but they should have stayed with each other long enough to know what it would that experience would be like (staying in their respective places for a bit, going on trips, etc.).

I also feel that sex before marriage is a must. Sexual chemistry is extremely important in long term relationships, and I'm sorry but unfortunately just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll satisfy you.

As for the sex part, I think it would depend entirely on the relationship. For some, sex matters alot. For some, it doesn't.

I agree with meeting the parents. Or meeting the family, in general.

[Jocelyn.]

I agree with you for the most part.

As Lugez said, 1 year before getting engaged is a bit early. I've been with my husband for 3 1/2 years, living together for 2 1/2 years, and married for 1 1/2 years. Honestly, I feel like we're just getting to the point where we should have been considering marriage. We've gotten to know eachother pretty thoroughly , we've matured individually and as a couple and have finally reached a point in our lives where we feel settled and as though we can grow together.

I wouldn't have said this without the experience I have now, but I really do believe an extensive amount of time spent growing and maturing outside of a school setting "in the real world" is necessary. Not for everyone I realize... some people are just that compatible, but with divorce rate so high I would really take the risk of wasting years of my life with someone who wasn't going to work out in the end.

I also think its very important to live together. Its only fair to both individuals to know exactly what they're getting themselves in to. I think if the couple really loved eachother they would try to make things work. Sometimes it doesn't so why force it? If you decide you can't live together its better than getting married first and having to go through a big divorce.

Sex before marriage... yeah sexual chemistry is a big deal. Going feeling unsatisfied can be rough. You have to keep in mind also, some people lose their sex drive over time and while sex may be satisfying now, it might not always be that way. Its just something you'll have to remember, and be prepared to take care of your own needs when that happens

I can understand how the whole parent approval things would be important to most, but honestly it wouldnt stop me from marrying who i wanted to be with.

[Acheron]

Live together for at least a year, and have regular sex throughout that time (and, y'know, for a while before moving in together). Meeting the family is also a must unless there's some kind of extenuating circumstance: if one partner has severed ties with their family for whatever reason, there's no point meeting them. Oh, and one anti-milestone: don't marry anyone who's cheated on you.

Not that I'd get married at all, of course. Between the sheer number of marriages that end in divorce and the pro-women divorce laws that give her a claim on as much of my property and future income as she wants, why bother? I don't gain anything by marrying, and I stand to lose a great deal.

[rac146]

Originally Posted by Acheron

Between the sheer number of marriages that end in divorce and the pro-women divorce laws that give her a claim on as much of my property and future income as she wants, why bother? I don't gain anything by marrying, and I stand to lose a great deal.

Its called a prenup

Living together and sex before marriage is not a must for ALL couples, I think every relationship needs to have its own standards to fit what THEY want as a couple.

Personally, I could go either way on both. I love having sex, but its not like a big deal breaker for me. Sex can also be improved on if the sex isnt so great at first. Living together, probably not going to happen until after college for me anyway, so I'm not worried about it.

Having my parents approval I dont care about, but I would like them to at least meet and be civil to each other.

Meeting extended family is a big deal in my family, and it usually directly precedes getting engaged (not always) so generally in my family you dont bring someone home unless its very serious. I want to meet my SO's family when he feels ready for that step.

Before marriage, I want a prenup. It's the ultimate way of saying, I love you, but I don't trust you.

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by rac146

Its called a prenup

It's called unenforceable in the UK. Unless it's a woman's vast wealth at stake.

[PSY]

I'd say at LEAST two years before getting engaged (in my experience, there were a few key issues that didn't come up until after two years), and another year before getting married. During the engagement, I feel it's a good idea to move in together... get a feel for what it'd be like to live together, maintaining a house/apartment together, etc. I don't feel it's necessary to have sex prior to marriage, though (that's a personal choice on my end - I feel there are other ways to assess your "chemistry" without risking pregnancy).

[Maloo]

Only a year of dating before getting engaged?
There's NO way I could do things that quick lol.

But I definitely think you should live together before getting married.

[Double X]

Originally Posted by Acheron

It's called unenforceable in the UK. Unless it's a woman's vast wealth at stake.

In the US as well:
-If prenups are deemed unreasonable or the judge disagrees, they can be thrown out.
-If the woman files for divorce in a different state that is more dismissive of prenups like California, they are often thrown out.

In my opinion I would say that one should be together at least two years before getting engaged, and should live together for at least one. Sex before marriage is preferable in my opinion, although it isn't a must. As for when someone should move in together, I think a couple should wait at least six months or so before taking that step, but that's just me.

[Maloo]

i'm surprised at how fast people are willing to do things...

[rac146]

Originally Posted by Acheron

It's called unenforceable in the UK. Unless it's a woman's vast wealth at stake.

ahhh ok that makes sense then

Originally Posted by Double X

In the US as well:
-If prenups are deemed unreasonable or the judge disagrees, they can be thrown out.
-If the woman files for divorce in a different state that is more dismissive of prenups like California, they are often thrown out.

According to my friend the divorce lawyer, those 2 if's dont happend that often. could just be in my area tho.

[Daydreamer]

For me, I would say date for two years, move in together for at least a year, and then at least a year of engagement. So living together for two years in all one of which you are engaged. That way you'd be together for about for years before you tie the knot. Although the engagement could be shorter. It depends on the person, but that's how I think I would want my relationship to go. As to sex, I know I wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone I hadn't slept with, but again it's different for every person.

[Nova]

Originally Posted by PSY

I'd say at LEAST two years before getting engaged (in my experience, there were a few key issues that didn't come up until after two years)

Do you mind if I ask what kinds of issues?

[Quartet]

It's so awesome that everyone agrees about living together before marriage.
Apparently statistics say that couples who have lived together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who moved in together after marriage. Weird, right?
I think living together is so very crucial. I love knowing what habits my partner has. I know how we work together. We know each other so well, there are no surprises (other than the good kind)when we get married.
I also think that timing depends on the couple. Sometimes you may feel ready, but BEING ready is completely different.
I would marry my boyfriend tomorrow if I had the chance, but financially things are not in order. We've been together for three years, that's a great amount of time to get to know someone and to rule out weather or not you want to be with that person for the rest of your life. However, if things aren't in place yet it may not be wise to get married right away.
And I agree with the above stated, sex before marriage is pretty important for me. I want to know how I work with this person, physically as well as emotionally. If things in that department are lacking, it can cause a lot of strain on any couple, let alone a married couple.

[Double X]

Originally Posted by rac146

ahhh ok that makes sense then



According to my friend the divorce lawyer, those 2 if's dont happend that often. could just be in my area tho.

Do you live in a Southern state? It's common in CA and NY

[PSY]

Originally Posted by Nova

Do you mind if I ask what kinds of issues?

Having children, for instance. I mean, we started dating when we were 17/18 years old, so that was the last thing on our minds! As time progressed and we became more "serious", however, that became a topic of discussion. Now, there are SOME mature individuals out there who know exactly what they want out of life, out of relationships, etc. and they can get everything out in the open prior to the two year mark... but I think most people need at least two years to get to that point. Even after two years, you may not know the person as well as you think you do. Hence why I'm also a fan of engaged couples living together for at least a year. It's yet another opportunity to get to know the other person before committing to a lifelong relationship with them (theoretically, at least).

[Work_In_Progress]

My own personal milestones before dating is to get to know the person first, be friends with your crush. There were some past crushes where I was glad I did not ask them out within the first week of knowing them. There's nothing wrong with being friends first, as well as there's no such thing like "nice-guy syndrome." Meet the parents early on in the relationship, to let your partner know that you're serious about him/her before being serious enough to sleep together in bed. Again, this is my own personal milestones.


For marriage, I'm kind of iffy about living together before marriage with more or less the same opinion about it as Lugez. That seems to be a common reason for breaking-up or taking breaks from the relationship when a couple who are dating move in together. Although my parents were able to move in together after 1 year of dating and living with each other for 6 years before getting married(with only having had to break-up once, for like a day), I don't believe I'd feel comfortable doing so before marriage. You don't have to be living with someone to find out how their living habits are; as you are dating, or just a few visits to their place of stay and perhaps spending the night, or noticing how they spend their money, etc.

Sex before marriage? It would really depend on who I'm with. If I'd be having sex with someone, chances are I'm not really into dating them but rather for a fling. If I'm to date someone, I'd be pretty serious about wanting to wait until marriage.

[Double X]

By the way to all the guys in this thread, don't get married until you are 35+. My uncle told me once you get older (28-35), with money, classy looks, aged looks, and experience that any 35+ year old should have, finding women (18-30) is so much easier than when you are in your teens.

[Nova]

Originally Posted by Work_In_Progress

Sex before marriage? It would really depend on who I'm with. If I'd be having sex with someone, chances are I'm not really into dating them but rather for a fling. If I'm to date someone, I'd be pretty serious about wanting to wait until marriage.

That's really surprising to hear come out of a guy's mouth. Seriously. My mind is just blown.

From the sound of it, it kind of makes it seem like you'd have to know the person was wife-material very early on. And then you'd hold back intimacy in a relationship that may otherwise help bring you closer.

[Harmony♥]

My personal milestones before marriage and engagement are being together at least 1-2 years. And, since my current boyriend is over the age of 21, I want to be 21 before becoming engaged so I can fully enjoy the process of planning and organizing a wedding. I also want to be financially stable enough so I know that when we begin to look for a place to live, I won't have to struggle to pay rent and bills.

[Thurineth]

I'd personally wait 2 years + to get engaged.

However, my parents got married within 13 weeks of knowing each other, and my dad was on a lads holiday for two weeks in this time..... Since you needed to state marriage so many weeks in advance (4wks) the had decided very quickly. 22 years happily married!

[Work_In_Progress]

Originally Posted by Nova

That's really surprising to hear come out of a guy's mouth. Seriously. My mind is just blown.

From the sound of it, it kind of makes it seem like you'd have to know the person was wife-material very early on. And then you'd hold back intimacy in a relationship that may otherwise help bring you closer.

And there is nothing wrong with having to know if the person is wife-material very early on. Wife-material, for myself, is someone that can hold responsibilities like a job, an education, can clean up after themselves, can handle being around kids, being around animals, not a drug user, not a smoker, not a heavy drinker.

I wouldn't say that my 'holding back intimacy' in a relationship is correct. However, you are correct that it can bring two people closer, but only at the right time. Again, for myself, the right time would be after marriage. There are many other intimate things that a couple can do for years while still waiting to have sex until wedding night. Sex is not the only form of intimacy; There is hugging, holding hands, walks, cooking food together, laughing and crying laughing, etc. Not to mention; kissing! And there are things you can learn from yourselves or gain more knowledge about the world, have a good time with friends/family, or go on a trip just the two of you(or more if it's with friends/family or a polygamous relationship).

I believe that to wait a long while is beneficial since some people just can't see any relationship further than the sex. What I mean is that their thoughts will be "What's after sex?" and some people will be at a complete loss and the relationship dies out.

These are just my preferences. They're not high standards, just personal preferences. If I feel I'd have to 'tame' someone to be in a relationship with me, or if someone would want to make me more 'free' in a relationship, then it's doomed to begin with. For now, I'm perfectly fine with being single while waiting and searching for someone that has more or less the same views on sex and relationships as me.

[Nova]

Originally Posted by Work_In_Progress

And there is nothing wrong with having to know if the person is wife-material very early on. Wife-material, for myself, is someone that can hold responsibilities like a job, an education, can clean up after themselves, can handle being around kids, being around animals, not a drug user, not a smoker, not a heavy drinker.

I wouldn't say that my 'holding back intimacy' in a relationship is correct. However, you are correct that it can bring two people closer, but only at the right time. Again, for myself, the right time would be after marriage. There are many other intimate things that a couple can do for years while still waiting to have sex until wedding night. Sex is not the only form of intimacy; There is hugging, holding hands, walks, cooking food together, laughing and crying laughing, etc. Not to mention; kissing! And there are things you can learn from yourselves or gain more knowledge about the world, have a good time with friends/family, or go on a trip just the two of you(or more if it's with friends/family or a polygamous relationship).

I believe that to wait a long while is beneficial since some people just can't see any relationship further than the sex. What I mean is that their thoughts will be "What's after sex?" and some people will be at a complete loss and the relationship dies out.

These are just my preferences. They're not high standards, just personal preferences. If I feel I'd have to 'tame' someone to be in a relationship with me, or if someone would want to make me more 'free' in a relationship, then it's doomed to begin with. For now, I'm perfectly fine with being single while waiting and searching for someone that has more or less the same views on sex and relationships as me.

Didn't mean there was something wrong with your view. I hear you and I respect your view. I think you may be a rarity in the sexually-active man world.

So kudos!

[Rhop101]

I feel like you need to wait several year at least 3 or more because you don't really get what it feels to be together for the long term until you've been together a few years and see if you can live together and give the time to really know what it will be like to live with each other over the first 6 months or a year things settle down some compared to earlier on.