I have feelings for my best friend - need advice!!

[clemmie]

me and my friend met at a concert about 3 months ago. We really hit it off and have been really close since we met. I've never had a friend like them, and I am genuinely so grateful for them. But, I've had romantic feelings for them almost from week one. They are seriously amazing and every time I think I'm losing feelings, I'll talk to them, and everything will come flooding back. We live kind of far from each other (40 mins to 2 hours depending on traffic) but we text everyday and call often.

They are really important to me and I've never liked someone as much as I like them. Despite my age, I've never had a crush this bad much less dated, so these intense feelings are very new and kind of overwhelming. I'm not going to confess to them because it would just jeopardize our friendship and I value them too much to put any risk in losing them. In a way, I am mostly content (save for a few moments) with just being their friend. But, it's still hard to navigate these feelings because they are so intense at times. I want to clarify tho, this is not sexual attraction, purely romantic because I am asexual (as they are too)

I don't think the feelings are reciprocated - and I'm quite positive on that. I've straight up told them I would kiss them (not in a joking way, because we do play-flirt a lot) and they said "I think I just need to have my first romantic kiss first." and it made me feel a little sick to the stomach because it was, again, confirmation that the feelings were not reciprocated. They're also on a dating app and have told me about the people they're casually flirting with. That information was probably the biggest blow and got a few tears out of me, but I bounced back pretty quickly. I was put off by it so there was a week where I thought my feelings were gone, but they've come back, as they always do.

I've had the mentality of "i'm just going to let it play out" and I'm probably going to keep that, but it just is hard sometimes because I know it's one sided. I wish I knew how to navigate it

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're going through this!

Sometimes it involves radical acceptance. It doesn't mean you approve of the situation or it doesn't feel bad, but it means you accept things how they are. Basically, you know that you have non-reciprocated feelings and you realize that's just how things are and that you appreciate this person as a friend.

You can try and come up with some boundaries on what you will or will not talk to this person about. For example, if this person starts talking about dating or flirting you can try and redirect the conversation.

Also try finding things to fill your time so you're not constantly thinking about it, such as picking up a new hobby, sport or volunteering.

I hope things are okay soon!

Take care,
Dez

[Moxie.]

Hey there,

I'm sorry you're going through this! Having crushes on friends is always tough, especially when you believe those feelings aren't reciprocated.

Your mentality about letting things play out as they will truly is one of the best things that you can do for yourself. After all, in the same way that you can't change how you feel, you can't force someone else's feelings to change. Accepting things for what they are and continuing to be grateful for the friendship that you're building with this person will hopefully help ease the pain over time.

It may also be helpful for you to set boundaries relating to conversations you have with them. These can be boundaries that you verbally state or boundaries that you intentionally keep for yourself. For example, you could tell your friend that you don't feel comfortable having conversations about dating at this time. You don't even have to tell them why! However, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you can always make an effort to redirect the conversation when those things come up.

Finding ways to distract yourself can also be really helpful in this situation. Finding a hobby, spending time getting to know new people, or taking time to practice self-care when the feelings are a bit more intense can all help you cope with the difficulty that you're facing.

I hope the things you're feeling become less intense soon!

Take care,
Sam