How to process the break

[FrozenRobot7]

Hi all. For a bit of context, my boyfriend and I have been together almost three years and have lived together for about half of that time. We talked about marriage fairly early on and we are both in the same camp that if we don't see each other getting married that there is no point sitting in the relationship longer. If we are together for this long, I don't want to waste my time with someone I don't see a strong future with.

Over the past several months, there has been a shift in my boyfriend. He struggles with mental health issues so I assumed he was struggling and tried to help the best I can. The last couple weeks though, it has become apparent this is a us issue and not a him issue. He had grown emotionally and physically distant from me and while I tried to write it off, at some point it became very clear something was going on.

On Monday I confronted him, asking why he had been so distant with me. He's been sitting on it for awhile, but he has doubts about wanting to marry me. He didn't know how to bring it up and was hoping he'd be able to process through the feelings before we talked about it, but it was clear this needed to be said. Since then, he said he needs time and space to sort out his feelings which I respect.

But, 'time and space' can look a million different ways and I've never done anything like this before so I've been struggling to keep the boundaries. We still live together, but we've also still been hanging out at night kind of as normal, and even sleeping in the same bed and cuddling. Of course in the moment this is what I want, I've been very sad about this and it feels good that he can still bring me comfort through it. Things have been so weird between us these last few months that now everything is out on the table, things finally feel normal again. He was holding on to it for so long that it was a relief for him, and frankly knowing what this big thing was that was getting in the way of us was a relief for me too.

But things aren't normal and putting on the face that it is feels odd. I am truly heartbroken we are not on the same page about the future, even when things have been difficult I haven't had long-term doubts about our future. Paradoxically, we feel more normal than we have in so long so I want to enjoy it and enjoy the company, but it is of course difficult given the context. I don't know what I want the next step to be, and I guess I am writing to hear others opinions but also just sort out my feelings. My heart and head haven't been at odds like this since my freshman year of college and now I'm going into grad school, I feel like I don't even know how to do this anymore if that makes sense. I simply don't know what to do and word vomiting to strangers on the internet seemed like the best current option

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I think the first step is to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend. You're still cuddling and sleeping in the same bed, and that may get confusing or send mixed messages.

Also know you don't have to wait around forever. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum, but if he needs more time than you are willing to give, that's okay too and it's okay to end things if that happens. Waiting around for a long time hurts, and it's time you could be using to process things and move forward.

I'd work on self-improvement on this break. I'm not saying change things about yourself, but use this time to work on yourself and grow as a person.