How can I recover? I'm a fool

[redroses]

I got into my first relationship in august 2023, we agreed to be exclusive. Things moved quickly and I lost my virginity to him in late September. There were promises of a future together, moving in etc (I am now much less naive and understand that relationships and love take a long time to build) The following day I found pictures of other girls that he knew, and a suspicious conversation between him and a close friend of his. I told him to leave and he did the following day, and I never saw him again I realised I didn't know the person I thought I knew. He knew the particular close friend from the internet and has known her for years and years, but the conversations I saw suggested they were recently in some kind of unspoken, somewhat intimate relationship only a few months before. I also found out it had been on and off for years, with plans to meet up months before we got together that got cancelled for reasons out of their control, otherwise it would have gone ahead. I found out about numerous other ''relationships'' he had that didn't have a label. It was a big reality shock to realise that I wasn't actually particularly special to him. He wasn't treating me very well, and he was dishonest. I realised he had been dishonest in many ways, big ways. I didn't recognise myself anymore and sunk further into a depression, and then he broke up with me in early December Ever since then things had been really hard for me to come to terms with, until I learned how to forgive everyone who has done something wrong towards me and love them no matter what (I am a Christian), I felt I could try to be friends with him as we have the potential to be good friends. I was only just starting to recover until I found out the other day that he has been in a committed relationship with someone who he treats a lot better the last few weeks, with a girl who was watching/waiting for our relationship fall apart. He told her he loves her which I hadn't heard from him in a long time, and I have been crying ever since. I haven't let it impact our friendship now, but I haven't stopped thinking about him since I lost my virginity to him, I've thought about him every day. I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else, and I feel like a failure in a way for not being able to keep the person that I gave myself to (my virginity has always meant a lot to me)

[Astro04]

You're not a failure at all! I guess he's not the one for you. Just the chatting with the other girls... (I mean, they are his friends? I can understand that, but this... Hmm... Sounds like suspicious.) be careful!

[Starseeker]

Hi there,
thanks for reaching out to us.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. Having sex for the first time is very important to most people and it can have an impact on us even later on in the future. While it's not possible to turn back time, it might be a good idea to focus on the positive aspect of the whole situation: you gained experience and learnt a lot, and will know how to deal with similar people in the future.
From what you've described it seems that he took advantage of you, your sensitivity and kindness, which are very noble traits and in no way are you responsible for what happened. He knew you wanted an intimate, special first time with the person you were planning your future with, so he deceived you on purpose by keeping his other relationships secret, and I imagine you wouldn't have consented had you known the truth. Again, I am so sorry this happened, and you have our full support here on TeenHelp - if you'd like to chat privately, I will be happy to help, and I'm sure so will be every other Staff member. You're probably feeling a lot of emotions right now, so it would be good to take it easy the next few weeks - perhaps exploring some new forms of self-care, spending some time outside, devoting time to your hobbies or maybe meeting your family or friends, if you think that's what could make it all more bearable. Time heals wounds, and I hope that with each day you'll be able to discover yourself, who you are, and how wonderful you are, no matter what happened in the past. All the best to you!
xx Sue

[Hiraeth.]

Hi there, thanks for reaching out! I want to say that I understand how it's particularly upsetting you lost your virginity to this person not only because he deceived you, but you are a Christian and you have beliefs you want to stick as close to as you possibly can! You were able to forgive this person and everyone else who wronged you, and that's great. But you need to forgive yourself, that's the most important thing. I would suggest reaching out to your friends, family members, a trusted member of the community. Seek guidance and counseling so you can receive the closure you're looking for, and so you are able to forgive yourself.

I would suggest not speaking to this guy again. Just cut him off one hundred percent. I don't think keeping tabs on what he does in the community or online is doing you any good. On the contrary, it's only making matters worse. It's only making you feel worse about yourself, and this guy knows exactly what he did; and he doesn't even care. His thoughts are impure. I would not have been able to forgive him, because I am spiteful, I hold grudges; more importantly, I am not Christian. But you are, so embrace your religion and your community. Lean on them to support you, guide you, offer you counsel.

Do whatever it takes for you to forgive yourself.