Issues with having children

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I am 21 and my boyfriend is 24. He wants to have children, preferably a few, and he talks about it often. At the beginning we didn't talk about it much, because I said I would like to have children someday in the future and that was enough for him. But now he says he wants children in a year or two, while for me having a child in 5 years is the absolute minimum and to be honest I would prefer later, like when I'm 28-30. He says he will be 31-33 and that's too late.
I am adamant about my stance. I don't want children earlier than 5 years for sure, and probably that's too early for me as well.

We live together. I don't want to break up just because of this issue.[/size]

Hey there, thanks for reaching out. I don't blame you for not wanting to have children until you're in your late 20s or early 30s; it gives you some time to be an adult, to complete your education, and to establish a career. A lot of young people are choosing to have children within this age range, and it's been a trend for a while; so you definitely aren't alone here and I hope this helps.

I don't think a guy, or anyone for that matter, having their first child in their 30s is "too late" or any kind of issue. This kind of thinking is archaic, and perhaps you can sit down with your boyfriend to discuss this with him. Have you explained to him the reason for you wanting to wait until you're 28-30 to have children?

I don't want to tell you what to do; but if he is firm on his decision to have children in the next year or two, I think it would be a good idea for you to take a step back and determine what you should do. Is it worth staying with someone who won't change their mind or hear you out? Is it worth staying with someone who won't be open to any sort of compromise - such as adopting a pet in the meantime? Perhaps you can discuss this with your friends and family as well, get an idea of what they think about this.

Wishing you the best of luck! Feel free to reach out again if you need to.

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thanks for reaching out! I echo what Jenna says!

First things first, having children is a BIG commitment. It is a commitment of a lifetime. No one should feel pressured to have children, especially when they're not ready for it. And as humans, we all operate on different timelines. There are some people who have babies at 20. On the other hands, like Jenna mentioned, others prefer to have children once they're at a slightly more advanced stage in life when they have their career established (e.g. in late 20s or early 30s), or even later. There's no right or wrong; it's all about what works for you and your priorities in life. In my family, girls usually get married by 23 and get pregnant around 24. I'm 24, unmarried and single as a Pringle. I chose to keep things this way and made it clear to my parents, because I know I want to focus on my studies and career currently. It is important to speak up for ourselves.

I agree with Jenna that it is important to establish boundaries with your boyfriend with regard to this matter. You shouldn't feel pressured to have children just because he is so insistent. If his desire to have children at an earlier age is important, so is your opinion on the matter. You're going to be having this baby together. You could tell your boyfriend that while you respect his opinions, you are firm that you prefer having children only much later (e.g. 5 years). If you might be feeling that you are asking for too much, you are not. By advocating for yourself, you aren't being selfish. Please remember that. You're going to be carrying his baby; you don't want to enter a pregnancy knowing that you weren't ready for this. You deserve to have your voice heard.

I understand that you live with your boyfriend and that you don't want the the equilibrium to be disturbed because of this, but as Jenna said, you might want to think from the angle of whether you might want to continue being with someone who isn't able to respect your decision. I would suggest having an open, heart-to-heart conversation with your boyfriend about this matter of having children, and take it from there. You're always welcome to get in touch with us again at that stage, should you need any support and advice.

Wishing you the best

Best,
Mallika

Thanks for reaching out. I hope we are able to help.

People often enter relationships with different views on certain things. However, there are some things that it's important to be on the same page about, especially when they involve lifetime commitments, like marriage or children. You say you don't want to break up with him over this, and I respect that, but I want to point out that this is a serious incompatibility as it stands right now. You should absolutely not have children before you are ready, for many reasons, but the first being this is your body that would carry a child, and you have the autonomy and say in when and if that should happen. No partner should ever decide the timeline for that for you.

This is something you know is not right for you in the same amount of time it is for your boyfriend currently, and that means having a frank talk with your boyfriend about it. If you feel this is a relationship worth staying in and pursuing, which it sounds like you do, you will need to make your position clear, and ask him where he stands. If he is absolutely unwilling to budge on this matter, I would sincerely think about whether or not this is the relationship for you. Even if you did acquiesce to his wishes and have a child, or children, before you were ready, it would alter the relationship you have with him forever, and that would not be good for you, him, or said children.

First, though, try and communicate with him about this. But it is important you are absolutely on the same page if you are going to continue to pursue this.

[roshnikhanna]

Don't worry about anything just talk with your boyfriend when you both are in good mood. If he truly loves you he will definitely understand.