Friendship fail

[Dani576]

My friend has been distant, avoiding, and not talking to me for about a month, and I didn’t know why, so I tried to reach out to them, and apologize for anything I might have done to cause it. They sent me back this:

“Thank you, I appreciate your apology. I don't know if you noticed, but this is the first time you've ever apologized for your own actions. The reason I've been distant from you is because I feel like you never see me as I really am. I feel uncomfortable when you try to become closer with me, and this is mainly due to because your perspective of me has never changed. In a positive relationship, both people should accept each other, yet I feel as if I can't be myself around you. I don't feel accepted because of your assumptions about me, and I feel that you never give me the chance to prove who I really am. I shouldn't have to prove myself, but it's not right that you would call me a friend and assume the worst about my personal life. I shouldn't have to explain myself, or why I don't need therapy, if you don't even know me. The main point I wanted to bring across is the one-sidedness I feel. You try to pry into my personal life, yet you make assumptions about me starving myself or being depressed. I don't understand your wet leaf analogy, but if you truly see me as a "sad person pretending to be happy", it doesn't make sense why you'd want to be my friend. I wasn't planning to tell you all this, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm willing to talk to you again. I also want you to know that this is mainly because of Craig, and that I'm not going to become isolated because you "claimed" him. I know this seems like a lot, but it really only has two points. All I need from you is to stop making assumptions about me, and restricting me based on who you think I should be. I do apologize for distancing without telling you anything. I should've given you a reason as to why I don't feel comfortable around you, and this could've been avoided. I'm not going to make this any longer than it has to be, so goodnight.”

I feel so broken and betrayed, am I the jerk? If so, what can I do now?

Hey Dani, and welcome to TeenHelp. I am glad you reached out and hope we may be able to help you.

It sounds like this message was distressing to receive, and I am sorry you feel broken and betrayed. It sounds like there's a lot going on here, but the thing I want to note is that you are not a jerk. Regardless of what led up to this interaction or went into it, I believe we all do the best we can with what we have at the time. It sounds like you're trying your hardest to be a good friend, and that's what matters.

It also sounds like you care about your friend, and while this message was hard to hear and it sounds like your friend has some dissatisfaction of their own, I would like to note that it does sound like they are also trying to save the relationship, too, by letting you know what they need. Though your friend is obviously unhappy, I don't think it has to be the end of things. But it sounds like they were holding on to a lot without telling you, and I am sorry you got flooded as a result. I think it might be worth taking some time for both of you to process what you want and also to figure out how to communicate safely, honestly, and openly so this doesn't happen again, because it's hard for both people involved.

Would you mind talking a little bit about why you feel broken and betrayed? It sounds like you're hurt, and it might be worth talking a little bit more about why that is.

[Rivière]

I see both sides of this situation. You friend has obviously been hurt by some of the things you've said to them. But rather than addressing the issue with you, they perhaps kept it to themselves. You may not have realised how your words/actions may have come across and/or they took your words out of context and you were unable to explain yourself.

I agree with Eli that they appear to want to try and salvage the friendship with you, but it also sounds like they struggle to be close to you based on whatever it is that you may have done/said to them.

We don't always realise that our words have more of an impact than we intend, so perhaps discussing it with your friend and find out what it is that's caused her to truly push you away. Based on what was written, there appear to be multiple issues with the friendship they have with you that may need addressing.

Chat with them. Keep an open mind, and be respectful of whatever they may say, even if it may be difficult to hear.