so daddy issues is a term that is thrown around a lot, and I have to admit that I've oked around with it as well. But it has started to annoy me a lot, I think I really have it, but I do not understand it, this is so complicated. I'm just going to write everything down (it's so much sorry) I honestly just have to write everything down somewhere, get it out because I do not know who I can talk to this about, it's so weird in every way, I feel pretty gross really . But would also like just a little help if anyone knows a little about this. And sorry if these descriptions are too graphic, weird story, weird emotions with again many perhaps unpleasant descriptions. But for the first time, I just want to tell everything, with all the details
until two years ago (have not met him after that either) I had not seen my father since I was two years old, he moved to another country when I was two. He was aggressive and threatening towards his mother, who was much younger than him, and he was cheating on her. He had a problem, I have three (maybe four we dont even know if there is one more) half-brothers and sisters, all with different mothers. We are all about the same age, I am the youngest and there are 6-7 years between me and my oldest sister I think, and only one year between me and my other sister, but since I was so small then all this happened, I dont remember much of it, so my childhood has been with mom, and I have not even cared that I did not have a father figure in my life, to just have a mother is normal for me, I think never think of my father .
I'm a lesbian and I'm not usually attracted to men. (I've starting to identify myself as homoflexible, a lot because of the feelings I'm about to describe, I'm not strictly attracted to just girls, but I do not think I can ever be in a long-term relationship with a man, im just open to experementing with men). Mens bodies are not attractive to me, men do not turn me on in any way. But in eighth grade I had a teacher, probably in my late 30s / early 40s. he was very muscular, he had a beard, he was hairy with a deep voice and he looked like a grown man, not the typical hot young teacher most teenagers would have a crush on. He was very strict, everyone hated him. But he always fascinated me in a way, he taught social studies, something I was interested in. I was always dedicated, I raised my hand a lot in his classes, and I may have seemed more mature than the others. I quickly noticed that he liked me, I honestly do not know if it was in a normal friendly way, as if I was just his favorite student, or that he had some kind of attraction to me (but he never directly did something sexual with me, or told me directly that was attracted to me, there was nothing very abusive to this). My classmates started noticing that too, he always gave me attention, compliments. There was a rumor that he liked me. I remember once, that I was going to pick up my books for his French class, in a different classroom than the one I was supposed to be in. The French class used to meet in the hallway to go together to the room we were supposed to be in, and if someone did not show up at time, he used to just go without them. But the one time I was late, and the classroom I was in was filled with other students, he came in and shouted out my name, angrily. Everyone heard it, and he asked me to hurry, as if it was SO important to have me in his class. A girl also once told me that he was staring at my ass in the hallway, but I dont know if that was true.
The weird thing is, I liked all of this. I really did, I crushed on him, but it was so much more complex than just a crush. He always complimented me for being mature. He was always strict with the others to talk in class and not pay attention, but always treated me like I was special. I felt really validated. He was so masculine, he had so much education, he had so much power. As a regular teenage girl with a crush, I had many fantasies, I thoughtabout staying after class, hooking up with him up and do sexual things with him. About me riding with him on his motorcycle and then going to his place after school, drinking wine and discussing politics together. Mature, just the way he liked it. I wanted do be like he wanted me to be, i started to act more mature at school. I alays walked around with a cup of coffee, i always watched documentaries when i had nothing to do, and i wanted him to be attracted to me, i started to wear more skirts and tight clothes. But it was about more than these (not normal I know, but you see) fantasies. Since I am a lesbian, I was not attracted to his body directly, or his appearance. It was more that I loved the entire situation, a big, strong, smart man with authority liked me. I always thought about him hiding me from his girlfriend, I liked that thought, I wanted him to choose me, risk his relationship, as if I was important to him. I wanted him to hide me from the other teachers, and risk his job, just for me, because I was important to him. (looking at it now, it makes sense, that I wanted him to choose me, unlike what my father did). I had sexual fantasies about him, but again, it was not about his body, I just wanted intimacy from him, something most people have with their parents now and then. Feel that he takes care of me, feeling loved, feeling that he liked my appearance, feeling that I had a man who took care of me and gave me love in such an intense way. It felt so good, imagening being close to him, he holding me in his arms kissing me and my forehead and telling me that he loved me, he was proud of me, saying that im his, complimenting me and saying that everything would be ok. That i could cry in his arms. Maybe sex felt like an extra intense way to show love, something I felt I needed from him, since I had not received anything at all from my father?. It made me feel so good, in a weird way I can not describe. And even though the fantasies I described now did not happen in real life, I still received so much validationand attention from him, something I loved. I thought (something I actually believe today too) that he was interested in me in some way. I ran into him a couple of years ago at the bus and he did not stop smiling or staring at me when he saw me, i was with a friend.
He stopped working at my school after eight grade. I have never forgotten about him, and my feelings for him have always confused me. Ok, and this is akward, but i need to mention it, but a while ago I started hearing more and more about arctic monkeys. Alex Turner (the vocalist) was very popular a period a while ago, he had a 50/60s biker boy style that everyone loved. That's why he was everywhere, I was not attracted to him at all when he had that style, but as a fan of their music I started watching interviews, clips from concerts and stuff. I quickly discovered what he looks like nowadays, he had changed a lot. He didnt look young, he had long hair and a beard, he seemed strong, masculine, grown up. I suddenly felt the weird kind of attraction I felt for my teacher. He actually looks a bit like my teacher. And it just made me even more confused again. I really wanted to find out what this is, so I started doing some research. I found out about daddy issues, but I havent found any detailed descriptions that helped me with these feelings.
After thinking and doing more and more research, everything has started to make more sense. Throughout my life, I have ALWAYS had special bonds to the men who had some kind of power over me, around my dad's age. Not that I had feelings for them, like with my teacher, but that I just really liked them and wanted validation of them. My 4.-7.
th grade teacher , my summer camp teacher, my grandmas boyfriend, my great grandfather. (Again the ones i just mentioned now were NOT sexual to me in any way AT ALL) It sounds so weird, but it felt so special when they when they were proud of me and cared about me. My female teachers always tell me how much potential they think I have. I am always grateful, but when a male teacher says the same thing, it hits me in a completely different way. I love punk and grunge, and there's a street in my city filled with guitar and record stores, there are lots of alternative people there. That includes men in their 40s / 50s who were punks in the 80s, and are out looking for new things for their record collection. I have thought about it a lot for myself when Im in those stores. that when I walk past them, I try to seem more edgy, show off my taste in music, put on black lipstick, to make them like me. But I couldn't care less about the female punkers who are out doing exactly the same thing. And I dont care at all about boys my own age, they annoy me. But men in their mid-30s-late 40s seems to be very important to me.
Again, I never cared a little about my father. It has always annoyed me that people ask me if I thought it was sad, everything that happened with my father or if it affected me, because I couldn't give a fuck. But I'm starting to see some weird patterns. Could this be daddy issues? Signs / symptoms I have heard of are attraction to older men, bad relationship with their father, relationship problems, tying to get validation from men. Even though I have never thought about it, it seems like I am looking for an authoritarian man in my life who gives me love, validates me and takes care of me? This is about so much more than just liking older men or being confused about my sexuality. I'm a lesbian, i know that. But my weird relationship with older men seems very complex.
I'm already so depressed and tired of everything, I just want to figure this out before it tires me out and makes me feel even more depressed
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