I don't know what to do about this relationship

I'm hoping y'all could shed some light on a situation.

I started dating this person, D, about four months ago. At first, it went really well. I thought he was really nice. Only a week after meeting me he let me stay at his house for four days when my state experienced an unprecedented winter storm and my power went out. He cooked for me, he was charming, funny, kind- I really liked him.

But there are some things that have bothered me. Namely, earlier this month, he didn't text me for over two weeks. Yes, I could have texted him, I am aware, but since I was the last one who sent a text and I don't like bothering people I didn't. I felt angry and upset that this was happening, because I feel if you're dating someone, which he says we are, you talk to them regularly. He texted me last week saying he was sorry and that he missed me. So we picked a date night and he made dinner and everything; it was actually really nice.

I found out that night, though, some upsetting news: he's moving in with another partner in August, when their leases are up. That's not what upsets me in and of itself; I like her and I am happy for them. I know I could still see him. What bothers me is that he's made this statement a couple of times that he "doesn't want to commit" during the pandemic. Like even though he's dating a few people he won't call himself our boyfriend. Which bothered me a bit, but, okay; I guess I get it. I just felt upset, though, that he wasn't willing to "commit" but he was willing to commit to getting a house with his other partner.

I've been talking to this girl from a dating site, and she's amazing. I complained to her about D earlier this week and she gave me some advice. Then today I was talking with her and she told me she was on the phone with this company and it had been frustrating. I said "Oh, D works for that company," and she was like, "wait....is it this D?" and showed me his profile from the dating site I met her on. I was like oh my god are you dating him and she said no, but he had asked her out on a date on Sunday and she didn't feel like going now. I felt a bit bad about that, like it's my fault she lost interest.

Then she said, though, that she thinks I should dump him, because he's either omitting me out of his relationships or he misgendered me. She sent me a text message where she had asked him if he was dating anyone else, and he said "I am dating two women that I have known several months." He's actually dating me, the girl he's moving in with, and a woman who was his best friend turned partner. So yeah, either he did omit me, or he was referring to me by the wrong gender.

This girl I am talking to, who is wonderful, says I should end it. She might be right. But I am really, really bad at ending relationships when there's still some good things about them and I am not super angry at the person or anything. D is a decent guy. He's taken good care of me. The sex is fun and I like spending time with him. But that text message, on top of ghosting me for two weeks, feels really rotten, and I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

[Rivière]

This is just my opinion and you don't have to take in anything I've said but... yes he may not have said anything for two weeks, and that's really awful, but there may be something else going on. It's so easy to look at the negativity first, especially if/when you've been in countless situations where something ends up going wrong. There may be a logical reason for why he didn't message for two weeks. Sure you're seeing one another, but I think there may be a combination of your personal expectations in what you expect of him, and whatever's going on in his personal life. Have you actually discussed these sorts of boundaries with one another? Have you established any 'if I don't message in X time' rules? If you haven't, it may be a good idea to.

I've been in a relationship before where my partner expected me to reply to them within a certain amount of time. However, we never actually discussed any time limits or anything similar. I wasn't aware that he had this sort of expectation for me to reply. Sometimes I could go quite some time without saying anything. Not because I didn't care about him or didn't want to talk, but because we simply hadn't established that sort of boundary until it came up a year later into our relationship.

I can fully understand why you feel sad for the girl you were talking to. It sounds like she likes you a lot and wants to look out for you by suggesting you dump D. However, again, there may be a lot of things going on. Sure D says he doesn't want to commit to a relationship, but moving into a home with someone is a little bit different depending on context. He may be moving in with somebody but it doesn't necessarily mean he's committed to the person he's moving in with. He may be moving in with this person because of convenience and/or costs. Sometimes these things just happen even if we say we don't want to commit to something. It's so much easier to make comments about what we do/don't want until we're presented with a situation where we may have to break our word.

Overall, I think it would be a good idea to try and spend time with D and find out what's going on. It sounds like he's put a lot of effort into being with you and so far it doesn't sound like he intended to omit you as such. As you identify as non-binary, he may not have been sure which 'category' for lack of a better word, to reference you as. Talk with him, establish some communication boundaries, and go from there.

Hey Sarah. Thank you for responding; I appreciate it. I thought I should clarify a few things, though.

It's true, we never talked about how often to contact one another. In the beginning we'd text every day, and slowly dwindled to once every couple of days. That was still going on up until the two weeks happened. I did approach him about it, cautiously. I didn't want to be confrontational because we never talked about it. But I did ask him what was up with that. His answer amounted to he simply didn't. He said he thought about it a few times, but just didn't reach out. There was nothing super stressful or pressing in his work or personal life; he just didn't text me. In comparison he revealed to me he's never gone more than three days without talking to the partner of his he's moving in with. Therefore, even though we technically talked about what happened, I still harbor some anger and upset.

As for moving in with that partner, I know it doesn't necessarily mean he's "choosing" her over me or any of his other partners. He's said to me flat out he would be happy to live with the partner he's moving in with (let's just call her G), his other partner (H), and "maybe" me. He and G are not in dire financial straights, there's nothing stressful happening; it's simply that their leases are up at that time and they've decided to move in together. I try not to compare myself to G, but I feel he compares her to me. He has said (warning: sexual content ahead)

Spoiler:

that G is the only person who can get him aroused again after he's masturbated or already had sex.

He's also said he likes his partners loud and outgoing (G is very extroverted) and I am not. So yes, I feel compared to his other partners a lot.

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I do want to touch on the omission thing. He did omit at least some of us. In addition to G and H he is dating me and another person. At the very least he omitted the other person, which means he probably omitted me, too. Even if he didn't omit me, and I'm sorry to be a stickler here, but there is no excuse to misgender me or anyone he's dating (I'm not the only trans person he's dating), especially when we've been seeing each other for almost five months. It's not even about "categories." He didn't have to specify he was dating women; if he was really concerned about gender and seem neutral about it, he could have said people.

I agree with you that he and I probably need to discuss all of this. But I do believe this goes beyond a simple situation of poor communication. I'm going to try to find the best way to approach it, but I still do feel very much conflicted. I do hope this new information I am sharing might also shed more light on the situation, or at the very least give someone more to go off of. Thank you, again, for your response. I'm glad to count you as a friend.

[Stacey]

Hi Eli,

When reading this, here are the things that stand out to me as red flags. Yes, the not contacting you for 2 weeks thing warrants some frustration, but as you've said you did not discuss any sort of communication needs with them before this, so beyond being slightly frustrating I think that's the thing about the whole scenario that's easy to latch on to and show frustration about.

The big things for me is not even that he potentially omitted you when discussing his partners or the people he was dating, it's just as you said - if he was referring to you, he purposefully misgendered you and/or other people he's dating when the question didn't even warrant a response specifying gender. To me that's a huge red flag in terms of his respect for you (and his other partners, really, aside from maybe G).

You also mention that you often feel he is comparing you in some ways to G, the partner he's moving in with, if that's the case it would feel to me like he's intentionally pitting you two against each other in some way. Either with a set intention in mind - spark jealously, incite some kind of change in one or both of you that he wants, etc. Comparison like this in open or polyamorous relationships is a quick and easy way to destroy any sort of foundation you build between partners/relationships/etc. It's verging on manipulation if he's doing this intentionally, which honestly some of the comparisons or comments he's brought up land that way to me when reading it.

Despite all the good, which can be easy to get stuck on in situations where you really like the person and the dynamic you have, you really need to consider why those particular issues are bothering you, why you're getting stuck on them, is it really about those issues or the deeper intentions/meanings/fears that they invoke?

At the very least, I think this requires a serious conversation about your feelings and boundaries if you choose to stay involved with him.

[Tennant]

It's easier for me to end a relationship than start a new one. We need to weigh everything for and against.