Female Advice Preferred: Scared but considering it

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hi,

So I'm 26 and never dated before. I have been avoiding it for the longest time. I might also be asexual. I don't know if it is the trauma or I was born asexual or what.

I've had quite some relational trauma from family members to unhealthy friendships, to harassment and assault.

Recently 2 different people from 2 very different parts of my life (live in different cities but I know both in person) reached out to me about setting me up with a guy. It is common in this community for the people to do dating matching which then leads to meeting each other and going on dates.

I declined both opportunities saying I'm not currently looking.

This hasn't been something I considered before. Up until now I was feeling frustrated with myself as though I'm not normal. Even friends have told me not having any desire is not normal at my age.

Part of it is I am too scared to try simply because the longer I go without trying it out, the more awkward I feel and less likely to break out of it and try it. I feel like maybe I could try and see if I want to stop or continue based on experiencing it first. This is a rare moment of me even thinking this way.

I'm thinking next time someone asks, I can have something more to say than "I'm not looking right now".I feel awkward. I have always wanted a platonic life partner and to raise kids with someone. I am just not so sure what I would be looking for.

I am so used to doing thingd on my own. It would take a lot of pressure off if I can be cared for by another human and care for that human. Like planning trips together, sharing values, having someone to talk to. It is strange but it can be nice. I had a roommate for almost 2 years and we were close and now that I moved away things are different. We are still friends, just not seeing each other day to day changes things. It would be cool to have a close friend like that who is within my age group and we are committed to one day living together and supporting one another.

I would want to adopt kids, it is something I have wanted for a long time. But I don't want to be a single mother.

Just assumed it is too late. And I guess you can say I get overwhelmed easily with friendships. I welcome new people but becoming close to someone is what I struggle with most.[/size]

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to TeenHelp. It's not easy to date and know exactly what you want in a partner as everyone is so different from another. However, you only know yourself the best.

When you decide to date, what is helpful is asking yourself; what are you looking for in a partner? It's a vague starting point. From there, you look at what your values are, your boundaries (what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with), what age group, the gender, would you consider your partner in a previous relationship and was divorced and possibly has a child?, or is still in contact with their mother of their child?, or completely single (never married or kids), unemployed/employed, their career.

These are some things that could come up with dating.

When dating there's flaws in the other person, we learn about them as we progress through the relationship. Would there be any flaws that you couldn't handle and would be a breaking point. Some flaws could be; they are simply a messy person and don't clean up after themselves, leaving the toilet seat up, crumbs on the counter, dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor and not in the hamper, so on.

When caring for someone, how much would you dedicate yourself? How much care would you expect your partner to do for you? There needs to be a balance in a relationship for it to be healthy. If it becomes you doing all the caring and your partner not doing any, it's not an equal partnership. Think about what kind of care you would want to receive and give.

Communication is very important in relationships, it's how everyone is able to give information back and forth or one another, it is the same in relationships. Honesty and communication are important; respect and caring are important.

I know I have given a lot of information, if you have any questions about anything that I have said, please let me know.

Take care.

[Mallika]

Hello,

Thank you for reaching out! I'm 23 and never dated before. I've experienced similar emotions as the ones you've described before, so I hope I can help a little.

Firstly, I don't think there's anything abnormal about not feeling like dating. We all operate on our own timelines, so the most important thing is to introspect and see how you're feeling about a certain thing. It's nice that you have slowly begun to consider dating - while I personally don't have experience with it, I too think from time to time that it would be nice to have someone in my life with whom I'd be able to do many things together.

I've come to realise that our thoughts and attitudes towards things change a lot over time. There are some times whereby we feel like could never do said activity (e.g. dating), but then, we're human at the end of the day. Our experiences and perspectives constantly change; we can be rest assured and confident in this regard and go with what our mind opens up to, so long as we aren't feeling overwhelmed. So it's good that you have reached out to ask for some advice regarding this - that shows that you've begun to embrace this changing aspect of yourself.

Like MsNobleEleanor has suggested, I think it would be a good idea to think of what you are looking for in a partner. That way, if someone reaches out to you about dating next time, perhaps you could ask them if this potential date might be somewhere close to your expectations - and if they are, that will hopefully make you feel comfortable about meeting the date. The world of dating can be daunting, but perhaps taking small steps might help, so that you aren't overwhelmed. Also, with dating, you can take things slowly - perhaps going on a date or two and seeing how you vibe with that person (or how comfortable you feel about dating itself) is a great idea, just like you suggested.

I really liked that you mentioned that you would like a potential partner to share similar values as you. I think that's a lovely starting point - say you have agreed to go on a date, you could strike a conversation with that person and ask them what values they bear close to their heart. That way, you might feel better about having this person by your side, knowing that you both share similar ideals.

I wish you the very best with this, and remember that you only have to commit as far as you feel comfortable. There's nothing wrong in going at your own pace for things like dating and relationships.

Take care