Co-worker

[Rivière]

I've been going back and forth on making this thread... but maybe posting about it will lift the curse and end my sleepless nights.

There's a girl at the gym who started work there as a gym instructor about a few months ago. She's an old client of my assistant manager a couple of years ago before she stopped accepting clients as a personal trainer.

She and I seem to get on really well together. We have a good laugh, make jokes we both find amusing. We've helped each other out a few times. Listened to one another's personal problems and provided help or a listening ear when needed.

Sometimes she'd make flirtatious jokes with me. I'd make the occasional joke back, but all in good fun. I never take any of her jokes or behaviour as more than it is. She has a boyfriend and is off-limits.

While she and I were chatting in the staffroom about the fact the gym was shutting. She suggested I come with her to her gym, and asked if I liked eating breakfast out. Granted I was a bit confused since she lives quite a few miles away and has to get the train to get to work because she lives that far away. I was confused as to why she was asking me to come with her to her gym when I could go to another gym nearby which is much closer. Shortly after, another co-worker comes in and overhears her asking me if I'd like to go for coffee sometime. He passes a remark saying, 'Just coffee..? What's next?' He grins and then leaves.

I don't know what it was about that whole conversation and the other co-worker's reaction, but I couldn't get the situation out of my head. Maybe I'd missed something and she kept meaning more than just her jokes?... I decided to ask my assistant manager the very next day. Very awkwardly. But I preferred that to a ton of sleepless nights and 'what ifs'.

The assistant manager said that for as long as she's known her (co-worker), she's straight and is pretty sure she's not a lesbian. She said that it's likely that she (co-worker) was asking me to hang out because she sees me as a close friend and thinks the world of me, and given that I've responded well to her jokes, deems it ok to continue. She said she felt like the other co-worker added fuel to a fire that didn't even exist and that I'm overthinking the situation. I was grateful to her insight and her advice, so left things be and continued behaving as normal with the co-worker.

Granted she could be bisexual, but it doesn't matter either way because she has a boyfriend. My problem is, for the first time ever, I feel like I'm crushing/having feelings for a straight girl. I'm trying to deny it because I don't want to fall into the feelings trap. I don't want to be hurt because of the fact she's straight, and that even if she weren't... she's taken and that's it.

Since lockdown started in Wales, especially over the past few days, I can't stop thinking about her. It's just stupid daydreams of spending time with her and all sorts of things. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried Googling it. I've tried distracting myself by playing computer games, exercising, working from home, going for a walk, listening to music (this just made it worse) and just trying to force myself to think of other things. They only provide short-term relief.

I don't know how to get past her and get her out of my head. I've worked so hard to get to where I am. I can't have feelings for anybody. Especially not a co-worker.

I don't know what to do.

[DeletedAccount53]

I'm sorry this has happened, making you feel confused, yet it is quite normal to be crushing on her, even as she is straight.

However, maybe your co-worker is unaware of what she's doing to you, so I suggest that you should leave her to make the next move. If she continues flirting, then as coolly as you can, ask why she's being clearly interested in you as it's obvious she asked you to her own gym that is several miles away. I'd be concerned and questioning, too.

Depending on her answer, ie. if she says she's questioning her sexuality, or, that her relationship is floundering, then I feel you'd best set a boundary with her because your feelings for her is affecting your everyday life.

It's a difficult situation. But much depends on why your co-worker is acting this way. If I was in your situation, I'd get straight to the point and ask her. In my dealings with people, I'm straight down the line and always have been. This way, at least you will know, Sarah, rather than continue being in emotional agony.

[Rivière]

My assistant manager did suggest that she could speak with her on my behalf, or I could speak to her directly. However, she did say that if I were to speak with her (co-worker), it could destroy the friendship that has already been so quickly built, and would make working together a bit awkward. I agree with her on both accounts.

Normally I wouldn't beat it around the bush and ask her up front what's going on. However, again, I work with her. I do not wish to place myself, or her, in an uncomfortable/awkward position due to my misinterpretation of her behaviour. I know, and have known, deep down that she has only been joking with me. Even my assistant manager makes jokes with some of her female friends but they are genuinely just jokes and nothing more.

I was genuinely taking her flirtatious jokes as just that, a joke. I was perfectly ok until the male co-worker made comments. I thought maybe I'd missed something in the situation between my female co-worker and I that he had noticed.

She has spoken to me privately about her boyfriend and they both seem to have a good relationship, however he dislikes the fact she goes to the gym a lot (not that it matters now with the lockdown and whatnot) when he wants to spend time with her. Though she stated that they've got things out in the open, she's made a compromise and all seems well. My assistant manager is confident that my co-worker does genuinely love her boyfriend.

I feel like I'm looking for cracks in a relationship when there aren't any, trying to give myself false hope. I know that I could talk to her, but again, I work with her.

[Mallika]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks so much for putting it all down. I hope it has helped to express it and not keep it all to yourself; you did the right thing.

Now, up till the point I read about you speaking with your assistant manager, I would have thought that your co-worker's behaviour seemed a little suspicious (i.e. that she seemed to be hitting on you) especially about making flirtatious jokes and about suggesting that you to travel all the way to the gym near where she lives. Your male co-worker's comment didn't help either; I would have also gotten confused in your position as well.

However, after reading what your assistant manager said, I think it would be best to give your co-worker the benefit of doubt for now. Your assistant manager has known your co-worker for a long time, and I'm sure she knows her well enough that you can trust what she said about her sexual orientation. So I think you can be rest assured for now. After all, like you said, you wouldn't want to sour your relationship when you're working together.

That being said, I think there would be no harm in observing your co-worker's behaviour towards you in the future. If you feel that she still speaks in a manner that is suggestive of the fact that she might have feelings for you, and you have some good evidence (e.g. a joke that is clearly intended for flirtation purposes), then you could ask her about it. Considering she has a boyfriend, it is technically not appropriate for her to be "hitting" on you.

Also, don't be too worried about your recent feelings towards her. We all go through this from time to time. I'm currently in this weird phase where I am crushing on and stalking a guy whose profile I noticed online and probably have no chance to ever get to know. It's weird and I don't know why I'm doing this, but I guess such things happen to all of us. When I was in school, I was crushing on a junior (girl) though I know that I'm straight, but what happened just happened because I was a hormonal teenager in a girls' school. Special feelings for people develop at some point in all our lives, you're not alone. You already know that she has a boyfriend, so you will not act on them or anything; feelings come and go, don't be too concerned by them

I hope things will get clearer and you will feel better

[Rivière]

Thank you for what you wrote.

An example of her flirtatious jokes have been when she was doing barbell squats at the gym and I pointed out (we were both in the gym together but I was working and she wasn't so we were messaging back and forth across the gym) two men behind her kept looking at her (she works her butt a lot so it's only natural). We went back and forth on her squatting technique and I commented it's ok and not to worry about it. Her remark was because I was watching her from behind, I'm 'almost as bad as the men ' (emote included). I just ran with the joke saying, 'HELL YEAH GOTTA CHECK OUT THAT BOOTY!' And she replied, 'You can check out my booty any time xo' I honestly didn't even know what to reply.

She comments that a lot of guys in the gym are 'quite cute actually', and even remarked that a male co-worker's girlfriend was 'quite cute actually'... all these jokes and comments are exactly why I honestly felt she may not be straight. I wasn't bothered either way, nor did I take her jokes as more than just a joke.

I'm going to continue being there for her as a friend, because I do think she needs one. And perhaps as my assistant manager commented, because I responded well to her flirtatious jokes, she feels it to be acceptable in continuing.

For now, as you've said I'll observe her behaviour and go from there. If she does keep going with the jokes or whatever, I'll jokingly make a remark in the hopes she responds accordingly. In the meantime, I hope these feelings subside. -_-

[Mallika]

Hi Sarah,

I think that booty joke seems like a pretty big giveaway that she is being really flirtatious, or more like hitting on you actually. This makes me think that she might have feelings for you, or else why would she tell you so openly that you could "check out her booty anytime" But then again, it's interesting how she's checking out many people in the gym considering she has a boyfriend whom she seems to be in a happy relationship with. I wonder if she's behaving the same flirtatious way with others too

I think it's really great that you're taking her comments in your stride, but remember that if you're feeling uncomfortable that she's crossing the line, you may always politely tell her so

[Rivière]

That's actually a good thought. I haven't seen her make flirtatious jokes with others, though perhaps it's because I haven't been around when she has. When the gym reopens, I'll have to keep an eye out for that. Thanks Mallika!