Poly relationships

I would like to know more about poly. I am in a relationship and my girlfriend is Poly but I am not. I know she loves me, sometimes I think she loves me less than others because I am the last one she got with. But in my heart I know she loves me so much.

I know for her. Her husband is her husband and I have nothing to do with him unless I have to. Her girlfriend is my “sister” because I age regress and so does she and our girlfriend is our caregiver and I call her mama.

Anyways I guess I am just wonder what it’s like for other people and how many partners do you have at once and is it casual or do you fall in love with all of them?

[Mallika]

Hi Frankie,

Thanks for reaching out!

I opt for monogamous relationships too so I wouldn't be the best person to give you insight on polyamorous relationships; perhaps someone else would be able to guide you more on that.

However, I can say one thing with certainty - monogamous or polyamorous, you shouldn't be in a relationship where you're feeling less valued and doubtful about your partner. Relationships should complete you, not make you feel worse. The very fact that you're having this question implies that there might be some areas of the relationship you're not happy with. You say that you know she loves you deep in her heart, but remember that she needs to exhibit that through her behaviour as well.

Perhaps you could have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about this? You deserve better, remember that

I have no problems what so ever in this relationship. I have abandonment issues so I would think this way in any relationship. She knows this and we talk about it. I’m not doubting the relationships at all. Just sometimes I get insecure.

[Just Peachy.]

Good morning.

I do not participate in polyamorous relationships, but I know a lot of people who have. I had a co-worker. She has two partners. Her primary (who she married) and another man. The primary partner has two as well. And her other boyfriend is married, with a daughter. So everyone in their circle has two partners. They've made this work so beautifully that they all live together.

It wasn't always easy for them, I'm sure. The biggest part of their success is their communication. That wasn't always there. Poly relationships have the potential to yield a lot of hurt feelings if there is lack of communication. Each person needs to be up front and honest about their expectations from the relationship, what would be a "deal breaker", and boundaries. I think in their case, the love is there. For sure. I know that one of the partners has casual flings. But that was communicated. I have talked with my friend recently about her relationships, and she talked about how it is rough sometimes. Communication takes vulnerability and some people aren't ready for that. However, they grow together. They work on things together. But like any relationship, trust and communication needs to be established. The thing to remember is that, much like monogamous relationships, no two polyamorous relationships are the same.

As far as feeling like you're loved less because you got there last, I would talk about that with your girlfriend.

I've been actively polyamorous for the last eleven years, so I hope I can be of help.

Poly/mono relationships can be difficult. I think a lot of people (especially the monogamous ones in the relationship) experience at least some of the feelings you are currently experiencing. I am glad you recognize she loves you. A lot of people (myself included early on in my poly experience) don't have that as a solid belief and it sours things in the relationship, sometimes even resulting in the end of it.

Polyamory takes a LOT of communication to work successfully, as Lynds said. Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations with one or more of our partners or our metamours and that can be hard. But in the end everyone comes to a better understanding of one another and it means things can be better going forward in the relationship.

To answer your question, I practice non-hierarchical polyamory, meaning I don't have primaries, secondaries, or tertiaries. Everyone just fits in where they do. For me, I experience different levels of involvement. I have serious romantic relationships that may involve cohabitation, but at the same time I also have casual sex (with my partners' knowledge, of course). At one point I had three romantic relationships, which was honestly a bit much. I've learned I do better with two relationships and either lots of casual sex or a couple of friends with benefits.

Love in polyamory is a beautiful thing. I came into it when I fell in love with two people at once, many years ago, and realized that it was, in fact, possible to have lots of love for more than just one person. It's so vast and it gets shared around and it just feels beautiful. Compersion is one of the best feelings in the world, in my opinion, which helps lead to my favorite part of polyamory: building a family of choice. We all care for each other and look out for each other. It's wonderful.

Try and remember that, oftentimes, people look at love as a pie: there's a finite amount of pieces that get passed around and once they're gone that's it. But in truth, love is an infinite, untapped source. The restrictions in polyamory, I've found, come less from love and more from time and resources available. The love is always there, though.

I hope this helped. Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions.

Thank you so much. I have always said I would t mind being in a relationship with two people but we all date each other. But just never wanted to have a partner. This helped a lot. She is the same way. She told me there is no order in her loving us all. So this really did help thank you.


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[RebLinn]

I have nothing against polyamory when it comes to my personal relationships. However, I always want a relationship to be honest. It is imperative to say these things out loud before the other person is attracted to you.