Breakup

[Starseeker]

So, uh, my boyfriend broke up with me after acting strange and cold for a few weeks. I think the awful way he's been treating me recently and how he broke up with me makes me way more upset than the breakup itself. I mean, I understand he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, I guess that happens. But I hate the fact that I'm always gonna remember my first long-term boyfriend & simultaneously the first person I had sex with by the way it ended, not by all the happy memories I have with him.

I guess I mostly wanted to say it out loud, but any tips on how to deal with a breakup will be appreciated. I'm in the middle of a depressive episode so things aren't exactly looking good for me.

Thanks
S

[Rivière]

For the times I've been in relationships and there's been a bad split, I try to keep in mind that it's all experience. Experiences we have are worth so much in life, and even though some of them aren't the kinds of experiences we want, they're there, and they teach us a lot about ourselves, and other people.

Try to look at it from a positive angle. Yes, your first long-term and first intimate relationship didn't go as planned, but the recovery, getting through it, and moving forward will show you just how strong a person you really are.

[Dawn.]

Hi there Sue,

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. It's never easy, especially when it's your first partner.
The only advice I can give you is to take your time when it comes to the recovery process. Do what you need to do in order to feel better such as watching a movie, listening to music, etc.
If you ever wish to chat, my inbox is always open.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello Sue,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I hope that you will be okay soon. When we are dating someone for however long and then we are not together anymore, we will think about everything that has happened between us. Please try not to get upset or feel down about this, you are a lovely person inside and out. One day the right person is going to come and will be the best person ever. It may take a little bit to see who they are, but you will soon and when they come, they are going to be so sweet to you always. When you are having a hard time with this try to find something to get your mind off of this for a while so that you are not thinking about it so much. Try going for a walk or listening to music or drawing or painting or calling a friend or family member or writing or putting on a funny movie or TV show or something else that you enjoy doing and hopefully you will feel a little bit better after. I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you hugs to help you to be okay soon.

[Clarent]

The feelings you have about the breakup, and memories of him will eventually stabilize, and you'll learn to remember the positives about the relationships as well. It's normal to be angry and heartbroken right afterwards.

For now, focus on yourself. Take care of your health in every aspect and let the pain leave on it's own.

[Celyn]

Sorry to hear about your break-up, especially since it was your first and quite a difficult ending. But I agree with the response about seeing it as experience. It might not feel it right now, but when relationships end, you can also use it as thinking about what went well and what didn't and use that to improve your knowledge for future relationships.

But for now, it's okay to cry and rant and express your emotions in a healthy way. You will pull through this

[Starseeker]

Thanks for all your replies.

[Mallika]

Hi Sue,

Thanks for reaching out! It must be a really confusing and painful time - my heart goes out to you.

A quote by this children's author comes to my mind as I write this - "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr Theodore Seuss Geisel. Our minds have this tendency on focusing on the negatives and overlooking the positives... but it need not always be that way, as our outlooks can also change to look at the brighter side of things. Whenever you're feeling down about this, remind yourself gently that you had many great memories with him, and things turned out this way for the greater good. Over time, you will begin to look back on your relationship with a greater focus on the happy memories rather than all the painful incidents.

We don't always realise this in the present moment, but in reality, things do happen for the greater good. If you think about it, he didn't treat you right. Staying with him for longer would have made life worse for you. Now that you're no longer attached to him, you have the time and space to channelise your energy on personal growth and other healthy pursuits. Give yourself time to heal; I don't want to sugarcoat this, but the only way to get over breakups is to face it right through all the pain and tears. It will hurt for the time being, but slowly, you will be able to move on. Cliche as it sounds, time does heal all wounds, and getting over a breakup is probably one of the best scenarios where this saying applies. I've learned this the hard way - but sometimes those relationships and people we invest all our hearts and souls into don't end up staying with us. In many cases, sadly, these relationships don't work out. You're not alone. We cannot challenge fate - what's not meant to be will not happen, and likewise, what's meant to be will most definitely happen.

I advise you against rushing into a new relationship to fill the void from this previous one, because you've not given yourself enough time to recover. Once you are faring better from a mental health point of view, you can think of finding love again. That will also help you put this behind and move on.

For now though, focus on your health. Especially your mental health. If you're feeling depressed, now is the time to seek professional help/therapy. You can also take this time to do those things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't due to the constraints of being in a relationship. It could be as simple as taking a solo hike in the nearby mountains, or a hobby you've had to sideline because of other commitments. It's time to heal internally and grow.

Remember, you are special and deserve to be treated with love, care, respect and dignity. If this boy couldn't treat you this way, he doesn't deserve to stay in your life. Someone better will come along someday, so believe in that firmly.

Also, an amazing way to get over something is to talk about it with someone else. I'm glad you've let it all out here; feel free to DM me if you'd like to vent! You may also talk about this in person with a trusted person, like a good friend, or a sibling or even parent.

You deserve the best! Take care!

[Dawn.]

Originally Posted by Matter

Thanks for all your replies.

I hope you are OK.

[Starseeker]

Originally Posted by Mallika

I advise you against rushing into a new relationship to fill the void from this previous one, because you've not given yourself enough time to recover. Once you are faring better from a mental health point of view, you can think of finding love again. That will also help you put this behind and move on.



Remember, you are special and deserve to be treated with love, care, respect and dignity. If this boy couldn't treat you this way, he doesn't deserve to stay in your life. Someone better will come along someday, so believe in that firmly.

These words really hit home for me. Thank you for such a sensible yet subtle piece of advice. <3

[RebLinn]

Only time helped me and nothing else. A couple of weeks pass, then a month and the experiences become less acute. This is something that needs to be experienced one way or another.