Our relationship is going down the drain

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 years. He is my first boyfriend, my first everything, even the first real friend I’ve ever felt like I had all through out high school. I don’t have any friends of my own, but I have him and that’s enough. However, lately we just keep fighting. I feel like a lot of the issues stem from the past and my own insecurities. We were kinda opposite, before he started dating me he talked to tons of girls. In 2 years he dated so many I honestly lost count. His first kiss was one of my friends, it was just a lot to work through in the beginning of the relationship but I kept everything bottled up. He would say mean things to me in the beginning and I would just smile and shrug, I was so in love and happy to finally have someone who showed an interest in me. He has changed a lot in the almost three years, he doesn’t say things that are a bit rude as much and he acknowledges what a “jerk” he used to be to me. But it’s like I feel like he starts losing interest. He won’t make as many plans, I see him about once a week, and when we are together it’s just bland. All he wants to do is watch movies, and I don’t want to sit around all day watching movies, yet I can’t think of what else to do. He rarely even calls me anymore unless he’s driving to work because the phone conversation is mostly just him talking about his interests ( which is pretty much just books he’s reading that are science fiction, that’s all he ever wants to talk about ) our phone conversations will consist of him telling me about a book and me maybe getting a few sentences out in half an hour.

We fight all of the time. He tells me that I’m boring and have no hobbies. I am starting to feel hopeless for the relationship, but breaking up would absolutely destroy me. He’s the one I was supposed to marry, we have talked about our future the last three years. Every time we fight I end up crying and texting him trying to get him to talk to me and me apologizing. Last night we were arguing and after 6 he didn’t even bother texting me the rest of the night, he was playing video games. ( I know because I was getting discord notifications saying they were talking) so last night I was up most of the night, crying myself into a headache that’s the worst I’ve ever had and unable to sleep, even melatonin couldn’t help, while he’s up all night in a game. This morning he texted me at 6:55 ( he worked at 7 ) telling me good luck at my interview today and nothing else. I’m not even going to respond, for once I want him to be the one coming back to me. I can’t live with all of this pain it will cause me if we are really over.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

I want you to stop and ask yourself an important question: what are you getting out of this relationship? Seriously. Based on what you've said he doesn't listen to you, doesn't take an interest in you, belittles you, ultimately neglects you...what are you getting out of it? My guess is that it's a way not to be alone. To have someone in your corner, no matter if it's not always ideal. I am making that guess based on the fact you have no other friends and, in fact, he was your first friend. I am also guessing that's why it would "kill you" to let him go.

You can't glom on to one person and expect everything to be okay, *especially* if that person doesn't even really respect you. He is mistreating you, based on what you've said here, and you deserve better than that. You don't deserve to be crying all night because of mean things he's said to you. You deserve someone who wants to do more than just watch movies, who will make an effort to talk to you not just when they're bored. You are missing a LOT and I guarantee you when you find it, it will be a difference like night and day. Suddenly you will see how much was missing. Your soul will feel nurtured, not just your body and mind.

Breakups suck, but everyone goes through them. I know you got attached to the idea of a future with this guy, marriage and whatnot, but things don't always work out as we plan. Do you really want to marry someone who calls you "boring" and says mean things to you? That's not love, and if it doesn't end now it will fall apart down the line. That's just the nature of these things. You can't hold a cracked foundation together with duck tape, and pretty soon the whole building will collapse. It's going to hurt, but you can get through it, and you can come out stronger.

My suggestion would be to make some new friends. I know it's scary, and I know it's hard, but it's not healthy just to have one person. Look into clubs your groups to join in your local area. Join online forums like this one to talk about interests and cultivate new ones. Spend time outdoors, if that's your thing, just enjoying the environment. Find a cause you're passionate about and volunteer.

You're going to be okay, but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet, and to ask for what you deserve: respect.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.