Sexual tension vs platonic relationships

[Jennaholt]

Just looking for some clarity here.
There's this guy I'd been seeing for the past few months. Initially we used to talk a lot about our lives etc. Then our relationship got very sexual. We sexted all the time, made out whenever we met. And then we decided we want to be good friends and a sexual relationship isn't going to get us there.
I like him a lot. Like really like him - he's the best person I've ever met. It's hard not to like him. When we meet, you can cut the sexual tension between us with a knife. But we've decided not to make out or sext anymore. We want to get to know each other more, on a much much deeper level.
He doesn't like me the same way. But he likes me as a friend. And our friendship is amazing.
But is it possible to be extremely good friends with someone, talk to them about everything AND be sexually attracted to them but still not want something romantic?
He's told me a few times that he's not ready for a relationship right now. And I'm very respectful of that. So I'm not sure if it's the fact that he's focusing on himself that's stopping him or if he really doesn't like me the same way I do.

To answer your question, yes, it's possible to have a strong friendship, engage in sexual activities, and not have any romantic feelings. I have had a friend with benefits for over a year now and that describes our relationship perfectly. We are close, we have sex, but we just love each other as friends. Now, take this with a grain of salt, because it's often hard to do that. Usually at least one person develops romantic feelings, which seems to be where you are at and he isn't, so that's a rough position to be in.

If I were you I would just focus on the friendship. If he's as close as you say he is I think he will communicate with you if and when he feels he wants to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with you. Regardless, he's not ready for anything right now, and the best thing to do is building your friendship. After all, that's why y'all stopped sexting and making out, so maybe that's what you should do.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have any further questions.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thanks for reaching out! I think Eli has already made some great points and answered your question.

I definitely second that the relationship you have with this person seems to be a friends-with-benefits relationship. FWB relationships are quite common, so don't feel like you're alone. Sometimes, even best friends suddenly get romantically interested in each other, so I think it's natural that you feel this way towards him, particularly since you've had sexual relations with him already. Also, feeling sexually attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with that person romantically. I know it sounds a little counter-intuitive, but romantic feelings are a whole different thing, whereby being with that person is the main focus and sex is simply an aspect of it. You might want to consider whether the feelings you have for him are only along the lines of sexual attraction, or if you actually feel romantically interested in him.

It is clear that he wants to keep the relationship to a friends-only level at this point, even to the extent that both of you have agreed to cut out on intimacy. I think you're doing the right thing by respecting his boundaries. So you can continue with the relationship the way it is going. However, if you feel that you are starting to develop genuine romantic feelings for him, it would be good to confess that to him, not immediately perhaps, but rather in a few months' time or whenever you feel the time is right.

Take care! I think the best advise to you would be to "live in the moment". Since you feel that he is a great guy and you enjoy his company, it might be a good idea to let it all remain as it is now and take things as they come.

[AlwaysGoing]

Don't spend all your time on this person since they're not interested. In fact too much just makes it more complicated for you. It sucks but this is totally common. Only keep it going as friends if they're willing to invest as much as you are, like they show up when they say they will etc.