Confusion and Confessing to Crushes

[Uhmsir]

I've been talking to this guy online recently who is really amazing. Unfortunately we live a long distance away from each other but I still somehow feel really connected to him. It feels like if we met in person, we would just click immediately because we have so many values in common and mesh together so well. We've been internet friends for a few years now but have just started really getting to know each other recently. Now, for the past few weeks, we text each other throughout the whole day (off and on). He responds to me really well (something that's really important to me) and seems like a super caring and thoughtful person. I normally don't really love texting for long periods of time, but with him, it's fun.

We talked on the phone for the first time with each other nearly one week ago, and we both admitted that we were really nervous. We talked for a few hours and it felt really easy and fun. We've talked a few times since and I've felt happy each time. The biggest problem is that beyond reading into his actions, I don't know how he feels about me. And I'm struggling to know how I feel about him.

Due to mental illness and some pain/trauma that I have, I'm finding myself feeling more and more numb and confused about how I feel about him. I talked to my therapist about this numbness, and she thinks that I begin to unknowingly numb my feelings when I'm scared, especially when I'm really longing for something. This sucks, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think I really want him, and I want to be closer and more intimate with him. But because I've been through a lot of pain regarding intimacy and vulnerability, when I begin to think about those things being a possibility, I begin to feel numb and confused. Us only getting to know each other through technology seems to add to this confusion and numbness. So, as of right now, telling him that I like him feels wrong because I can't really completely feel it within myself.

I think if he were to be more vulnerable with me (maybe letting me know how he feels or affirming me in some way) maybe some of that fear and numbness would go away and I would be able to better understand how I feel about him. I think I really like him and if that fear were gone, then I would be able to feel that. But asking him how he feels without telling him where I'm at feels wrong.

I don't want to feel numb anymore, and I don't want to lose him. I feel like if things don't progress in some way, we might just drift apart. I think he likes me, and I think he is really scared to be vulnerable too, which doesn't make any of this easier. Any advice on how to deal with this? I just want to move forward and believe that I really do like him (behind all the numbness). I just don't know how to get through this right now.

There's nothing wrong with uncertainty in relationships of any type, including friendships. It's common, especially in the early stages, when you are developing something new. I think it's smart that you want to listen to your therapist. Trauma and mental illness are no joke and they can have a huge impact on relationships and how we feel about them. I think it's good that you're cautious and wanting to work on yourself.

However, I also believe in creating vulnerability and asking for what you want. What you said above is quite elegant and open, and I don't see why you can't approach him with it like you told us. I know vulnerability is scary, especially if you're the one to go first, but it shows an example of openness that could impact your relationship in a good way, whatever that may be. You can tell him you aren't sure how you feel. You don't have to have everything figured out before you approach someone you care about. Maybe he can even become some of your support team as you heal and grow.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything.

[Mallika]

Hi Kayla,

Thank you for reaching out. I second Eli - though this is a very confusing time emotionally, I think it makes sense to put your foot forward about your feelings.

The very fact that you've reached out to us here means that you already feel a special way about him. Due to previous experiences, it is natural that you are feeling numb while processing the feelings you might have for him, but the fact remains that you do feel this way about him. Sometimes, especially when we are planning to tell someone how we feel about them, we may not completely understand our own feelings fully. Many people confess to their crushes just after a week or so of knowing them - in those cases, I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't have thought through all their feelings or contemplated if they really like that person, but they still go ahead and confess. Like Eli said, you can even tell him that you're still processing your feelings, but you wanted him to know that you feel a special way about him. You can also tell him that you want to take it one step at a time, if you prefer. There's a lot of charm in honesty, especially when it comes to confessing our feelings to someone.

One thing I've learned is that it is pretty liberating to tell someone you like them. It gives you an interesting sort of confidence, even if the person rejects you. You've no doubt been through a lot in the past, but this might be an opportunity, even if it's a small one, to regain some confidence regarding matters of love and relationships. For all you know, this might even contribute to your healing and give you that little push to put behind the numbness. You said you don't want to feel numb anymore, and so going ahead and telling him how you feel might just be the solution to acknowledging those feelings that the numbness is trying to mask from you. Sometimes, the best way to confront our demons is to face them head-on.

I wish you the very best of luck. Remember that you can always PM me if you'd like to chat about anything