Concerns over new relationship

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]First of all, thank you for reading in advance!

I have begun a relationship with a guy I know from university. However this began over lockdown and we have only spoken over Zoom or Facetime and havent met up in person. (We obviously have spoken in person at university, however in a dating capacity it has only been over FT)

It has seemed to be going pretty well, but in the last week I've suddenly been feeling all these doubts and concerns. He compliments me ALL the time, which was nice but now is feeling really excessive. The other day when we spoke he told me that he doesn't deserve me, which made me really uncomfortable as I feel like he is putting me on a pedestal. I also feel guilty for not wanting to compliment him back, I sense that he is waiting for me to return the compliment which I dont want to do as it feels forced, but often I do anyway as I dont want him to feel insecure. I realise this i shouldn't do this if it isn't sincere, however I feel I have done it so much now that if I dont return the compliment, he will start to think that I dont like him.

A part of me wants to stop the relationship, but as we havent met in person i feel that is unfair because it could work out really well. Obviously FT is quite an intense way to continue a relationship as conversations are one on one staring at each other. I also am aware that up to last week we have both been happy to plan a bit into the future and think about what our year will be like as a couple. He has said several times that he is worried I will get bored of him, which I have reassured him I wont, but I now fear that I will.

He is a really nice person and we get on well, so I dont want to prematurely end something that could be really good. But similarly I dont want to drag this out and hurt his feelings. My fresh concerns feel very abrupt- a frew weeks ago I sent him a bday card and was happy to talk about the coming academic year, now I feel like I don't want to talk to him.

I really dont know what to do, any advice would be hugely appreciated. Apologies for this very convoluted post! Many thanks in advance [/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Mallika]

Hello there!

Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm glad you've found us and reached out to us.

Like you've very accurately pointed out, face-to-face interactions are very different from FaceTime/Zoom calls. Hence, people might come across very different from what they really are in person, especially now that you've started dating this person (though you've known him as a friend before). While it's good that you've noticed his excessive-complimenting behaviour, it would be worth it to wait till you can meet him again in person and see if he keeps up this habit. And once you both finally meet, you can again make an assessment on this habit of his. For the time being, it could just be that he is using every opportunity to compliment you while being unable to meet you, so it might be a bit too early to tell. It could be that he might get more comfortable when he actually sees you as his girlfriend face-to-face, and that things go on smoothly from that point.

That being said, you're not wrong to have this question as to why he's complimenting you so much. Too much of anything isn't good. You know this guy from university - which means you have met and spoken to him in person. This also means that you will have a rough idea of his character/personality. Is he a generally easy-going guy? Is he kind and approachable? From your previous dealings with him, do you feel that he's the type to say nice things to people, and so perhaps his habit of constant complimenting is not unexpected? It might help to think back on how you viewed him while you were still just friends.

Another reason I say this is because you might also have an idea of his past relationships. If you know (perhaps even through word-of-mouth) about his previous relationships, that could be one underlying reason behind his behaviour. You never know - perhaps in his previous relationship, he just didn't give his ex enough attention, and he wants to make up for it. I'm not saying this must have definitely happened, but we are all ultimately moulded by our pasts, so you might want to consider his overall character and past relationships and see if you can think of any plausible explanations behind his behaviour for your own mental clarity.

But overall, the best solution to this would be to directly ask him about it. Whether you wait till you both hang out in person and notice that his over-the-top complimenting doesn't change, or if you're already bothered by it to keep going this way, voice out your concern. Since you guys know each other, you can just bring up the topic casually (e.g. on one of your video calls if you don't want to wait till you meet in person), especially right after he compliments you (and you feel it's excessive). You could just be like, "you're really nice to be giving me all these compliments and I'm flattered. But, if I could tell you nicely, you don't have to compliment me all the time. Is anything up that you want to chat about?" and take the conversation from there. Alternatively, you can begin by talking about your vision for your future as a couple and ask him directly if there's anything he's insecure about/anything worrying him that he'd like to get off his mind. If there is indeed something bothering him, at least it will do you both good to talk about it. Finally, I agree that you shouldn't have to compliment him in return when you don't feel like it but have no other choice but to do so. Which is why directly talking about this to your boyfriend might help clarify matters.

So, to sum up, you can do two things:

1. Wait till the lockdown is over and meet in person. Observe his complimenting habits and see if he's any different. If not, bring up your discomfort to him. If you feel his complimenting behaviour is not excessive as it was during the lockdown, then all's good - good luck with your relationship

2. Bring up the topic one of these days casually over one of your phone calls. It's also a good idea to get these questions off your mind, so if you're the kind that likes to clarify matters without waiting around too much or if you don't want to keep worrying until a time you can meet in person, this option might be better for you.

Hope this helps - and good luck!