Female Advice Preferred: Why would ex girlfriend block everything apart from viber?

[bigwheel]

My girlfriend of 6 years dumped me (I made a thread on it). She blocked me on facebook, blocked my number from calling/texting her - but she didn't block me on viber.

The reason she dumped me was as follows:

1) She's Filipina and her cousin doesn't speak very good English at all. Her cousin was wearing an expensive t-shirt/watch so I said, as a joke "I should have dated you hahaha" - the cousin then told my girlfriend's mum and said I was flirting (I damn well wasn't. It was a joke, albeit a bad one that I didn't think about before I said it).

2) My ex-girlfriend said I was controlling her money. She likes to buy Louis Vuitton products but I said if we want to live together, we need to stop wasting money and save money.

She thought I was controlling her money when I was trying to help her save and stop blowing loads of money on Prada, LV and other branded products.

I tried explaining that to my ex and she said:

"I'm not going back to you whatever you say and don't even try to explain. I had enough since last year."

I replied: "That's your choice but I know I did nothing wrong"

She said: "Given you so many chances, but you've wasted it all. It's my choice yeah, so please leave me alone and stop pestering me"

Today I messaged her asking if she received the money I owed her for her laptop. She almost instantly replied: "yes"

Why has she blocked me on everything apart from viber? I'm so damn confused. Her reasons for dumping me after 6 years seem really lame.

Hey there,

Her reasons do sound ... petty I suppose ... but it sounds like the two of you all might have been having problems for a while because she said that she's given you a lot of chances and she has had enough since last year. Those two comments lead me to believe that while her reasons may seem petty they were likely exacerbated by issues that you all were having throughout the relationship.

You said you did nothing wrong and in most relationships the break down is due to both parties there are some relationships where it is primarily one person over the other such as in abusive relationships or with cheating etc. She said that she gave you numerous chances but did she effectively communicate exactly what she wanted/needed changed. Did the both of you assess the relationship and try and look into ways to resolve any issues because any long term relationship is going to have issues come up but if those issues are ignored or not handled/being handled ... the relationship can fall apart.

I can give an example, in December my boyfriend and I pretty much broke up. We had the talk and I told him I couldn't do the relationship anymore. The reasoning was because we were having a lot of issues and they were not being resolved. He talked about couples counseling and individual counseling for himself and myself ... but the issue had been exacerbated and we were dealing with other stressful things so I just had enough. I admit I was a mess and I had to take some time and than we talked a bit more about it and decided on couples counseling but we are actually making an effort to discuss long and short term goals with the counselor and when we have an issue with the counselor or our progress we are being active in voicing it. My point is, the issues in my relationship came up and just became too much because we were both ignoring it. I have a bit more insight now almost 4 months later as to why I wasn't coping well and I am glad I ended up not walking away.

However, for your girlfriend ... whatever her issues are she might feel like she cannot continue to deal with them and if she see's no resolution in sight ... than it is unlikely she is going to want to stay. The reason I stayed with my boyfriend and am glad I made that decision is because I am starting to see that there might be a resolution to some of our issues that a lot of it will take time but some of it was due to stagnation and neither of us attempting to make the changes.

I think that one thing you should do is really look at the relationship and think back on times your girlfriend might have voiced issues she had and think back to your response; did you try and acknowledge her complaints and work through it or did you put it on the back burner. I think that if you can try and gain insight into the issues from the relationship that might have led to her walking away it could help you deal with the break up a bit more.

I can't really say why she didn't block you on the app you were talking about. I am not sure what that app is but you could ask her I suppose.

Now, if the two of you didn't have problems that were ignored and became overwhelming for your girlfriend than you might want to think long and hard about if you want to be with someone who would break up with you over those things without communicating.

For example, the joke was inappropriate and I definitely would be upset if my partner made that comment but I can say I would voice that frustration or hurt to try and work through it. I mean, I have a really sarcastic sense of humor and it's dark and dry. Most the time my boyfriend is similar but I check in with him and there have been times when his jokes have unintentionally hurt my feelings. We did argue because I misunderstood but we talked through it and he apologized and we discussed how sometimes certain things get joked too much and we have tried not to do it too much. However, that has taken practice for both of us since we are naturally sarcastic etc.

Also, regarding the money how were you approaching it? If you were being objective and pointing out that spending habits needed to change to move in with one another that's actually an important conversation to have because when you move in together there will be financial changes even if you both make decent money. If she was not open to discussing that or changing her habits than there isn't much you can do. However, reassessing how you worded things might be a good idea because sometimes if we don't effectively communicate things can come off wrong.

I don't really think there is a solution to this because it seems like your ex is intent on the relationship ending. It is likely that she blocked you on facebook and other places because you were contacting her too much.

I mean, the only real thing you could do is ask her to break down what she wanted to change but she might not respond and depending on how often you contact her on the app ... she might end up blocking you. You could, potentially, look into seeing if she would be open to couples counseling to try and figure out where things went wrong but if she is truly done with the relationship she probably won't be open to it. I know it is hard but there are a lot of people who eventually get to a point where they know they are done and they don't want to work through it. If your girlfriend has reached that point than she probably won't want to do anything like couples counseling.

I am rambling but I suppose it comes down to this; it's likely that you both don't see that you did anything wrong in the relationship and due to that she got to a point where ... she was done. If two people struggle to acknowledge what they could work on in a relationship or what they are doing wrong ... there are going to be less attempts to fix the issue and there will be stagnation and built up frustration.

While you might not be able to get this relationship back it might be a good idea to try and assess where things went downhill. You shouldn't obsess over that but sometimes acknowledging where you both went wrong can actually help you in future relationships because you can work on making the effort to not do it again etc.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but if she is truly done you need to respect her boundaries. She seems to be asking you to stop messaging her and it might be best to try and do that. Getting closure after a long term relationship ends can be difficult and it will take time.

Best regards.

[bigwheel]

Basically, she was addicted to buying luxury items e.g LV, Prada etc etc. I was telling her to stop buying them because when she sells them, she was losing huge amounts of money. And she works extremely hard for her money.

The problem is, when she gets angry, she stops contact. She is a bit childish really. She did that throughout the relationship. I put up with it because I was blinded by love and thought that it was kinda cute how she'd get into a strop. But as the relationship grew longer and longer, I got tired of her blowing money that we should be saving for a house.

I think she wants to stay with her own "kind" if that makes sense. She's filipina and doesn't mix with anyone who isn't filipino. It's actually weird that I began dating her. She was trying to get me to speak her language from the get-go.

I'm making it sound negative - we had a great relationship and I genuinely didn't see any problems before she dumped me. I have no idea what I did to annoy her because even if I asked, she would never tell me. There was no communication whatsoever in the relationship. If I did anything that annoyed her, she'd not speak to me for a few days then come back like nothing happened.

I think i'm beginning to understand it's over. It's a huge shame because I didn't cheat, and I don't believe I was a bad boyfriend. I bought her flowers regularly, I took her on dates, I really did love her. She was my entire world. I just don't think she felt the same about me.

Hey,

So I appreciate that you provided a bit more insight and I can understand why you don't know what you did wrong if she did stuff like that. I fully admit that I struggle to communicate with my boyfriend when I am angry. It is something I have to work on in individual therapy because the issue goes back to my child hood.

But, we do end up communicating about it definitely not in the way either of us wants because I leave the room and then if I feel it's a big enough issue I text him. We are working on moving the arguments to face to face but it's something that will take time.

If she never voiced her complaints and essentially cut off communication than she never gave you the chance to understand or change things.

I think that some people don't want to change though and it's possible that was partially her issue? You wanted to save money for a house and she didn't want to etc.

If the two of you never really had effective communication throughout the relationship than that's probably a big contributing factor but if she was the one who was unwilling to work on it than it's on her. Like I said, usually a relationship falls apart because both people but there are exceptions. Also, if one person is willing to make necessary changes but the other person is not ... there will be stagnation and resentment.

Relationships grow and change over time and people have to learn to grow and change with them. However, some relationship do grow stagnant. I can't say why but it does sound as though your girlfriend stopped putting in effort. It's possible she wanted to stick with her own or it is possible that she let her families opinions get in the way of her decisions but you can't really speculate.

I know it's difficult but maybe you can learn from this relationship. You said there was no real communication so when you feel ready to get out there and date and you find someone ... you will know that if the relationship is having communication issues it's something that needs to be worked on instead of ignored because it will lead to a collapse eventually.

Communication is really hard. It's one of the biggest issues in my own relationship but we both recognized it. It seems like maybe you recognized the lack of communication but your girlfriend did not or chose not too and so it was not something that can be worked on.

It does sound like you did a lot to be a good boyfriend. Sometimes relationships don't end because the person was a bad partner. I think that's one of the things we don't learn when we watch romance movies. A lot of the time relationships end because there is a break down in communication etc but both people aren't bad partners.

It is possible that she didn't feel the same about you. I cannot really speak for you. It would be a shame if she did that to you but I know that there are people who make those choices to remain in relationships where they aren't committed. Something to remember is that relationships aren't always equal. I think there are times when one person loves the person a bit more but I do think that changes...the one thing about that though is that if both people are invested they won't let it fall apart.

There was a person who told the story about how an old couple who was married for 50+ years or something was asked how they did it and the response was "We never fell out of love at the same time". And, I think that's something I have learned with relationships...sometimes one person loves a bit harder and sometimes the other does...but in those cases the people still realize they want to be with that person or are invested.

A friend of the family actually told me the same thing about his 40+ year relationship back in December. He said that him and his partner had their moments where they weren't sure about the relationship. There were times when one didn't feel the same but they ended up coming back to one another because the love and commitment was there.

So, even if she didn't always feel the same that doesn't out right mean she didn't care but it's possible that she didn't feel invested.

Long term relationships are hard. It also doesn't sound as though she is going to give you a reason as to why it ended so it might be best to try and gain closure in another way.

If there was a break down of communication and you did all you could to work to improve it than that's that and it's on her.

I think I made assumptions in my last post that I shouldn't but if she never actually told you what you did to piss her off or upset her than there is no way you could fix it. You cannot read her mind. She needed to communicate and she didn't so it doesn't really sound as though it's on you too much.

I do think that you can learn from this though because as I said it shows how important communication is so hopefully in your next relationship you will be able to discuss it with your partner and work it out. I do think sometimes we can be blinded by love and than issues don't seem like issues until the relationships progresses. Some people can get past that and work on it and others cannot. Having a lack of communication can definitely lead to a relationship not working out.

Best regards.

[Honeybadger40]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear that you guys didn't manage to repair the relationship

Her reasons for ending the relationship, considering you'd been together for six years, do seem rather silly but obviously she doesn't see it that way. It seems very sad to end a long term relationship for those reasons to me, but ultimately it's up to your ex. I can understand you feeling it's petty, but from what you've told us I think her mind is made up and you just have to respect her feelings from here on.

I don't think you were controlling her, it seems to me that you just wanted to encourage your partner to make more sensible financial choices so that you guys could buy a home and start a life together. As I said in my response to your last post, you might not have done that in the best possible way, but I think your intentions were good and your reasoning was fair. However, it seems to me that you're ready to make some really positive moves in your life (e.g. buying a home, saving for the future) that she's not quite ready to follow you in. I think perhaps you need to be with someone who is ready for these things too, because it doesn't seem to me that this girl is. Even if she says she wants to buy a home with you soon, she's clearly not ready to get serious about that goal like you are. If she was, she'd have started saving up already. Sometimes two people love and care about each other and seem compatible in every way, but if their goals and the time lines they create for themselves don't match up, it's difficult to maintain a relationship.

Your ex has made it very clear that she doesn't want you to contact her and has no intentions of trying to mend the relationship now. As hard as it Is, I think you need to stop contacting her and begin the moving on process. Even if you feel it can still be salvaged, you can't do it alone, both parties have to be on board to repair a relationship and I don't think your ex is. Unless your ex contacts you, or you find yourself in a situation in which you have no choice but to contact her, I'd give her space now as she obviously doesn't want to speak to you for the time being. It's really hard when you've not had any closure as she's refusing to communicate with you, but in time you will find yourself closing that door alone. I was in a similarish situation to you years ago, and I still don't understand why he broke up with me even now, but as I've moved forwards in life you just gradually find yourself becoming more and more okay with what ever happened and more accepting of the fact you will never really know. It just sort of got to a point though that I didn't feel I needed to anymore because I'd moved on.

It seems to me like you did try to be a good boyfriend but that this girl has difficulties communicating and managing her money. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do to change that. The decision to improve in these areas is one she has to make and take responsibility for.

I've put some tips for coping after a break up below just in case they help.

All the best,
Honey

1. A new hobby
Do something new. Trying something new will give you something to enjoy, something to keep you busy (which will keep your mind off your ex) and it'll give you a sense of achievement. If it's something your ex didn't want you to do - even better! As it'll remind you of at least one good thing about no longer being with your ex. You could try cooking, swimming or reading.*

2. Write a list of all the things you dislike about your ex*
And feel free to be ruthless. Now isn't the time to be forgiving. I know this isn't the most constructive thing, but it will help you to see that your ex isn't as perfect in reality as she seems in your mind at times, and that there are reasons you can be glad to be free of her now. Keep this list somewhere safe, and come back to it when you're feeling low about the break up.*

3. Spend time with your family and friends
Not only will this keep you busy, give you something to enjoy and give you people to share your feelings with and get support from, but it will remind you that even though you've lost an important person in your life, there's still plenty of other, great people surrounding you.*

4. Creative expression
I think its very important when you're going through a break up to let all the feelings of sadness, anger and loss you experience out. You could try writing a song or a poem. This will give you a healthy way to let go of your feelings. Though I recommend not sharing these poems or songs with anyone, at least for a while!*

5. Consider the lessons you learned from this relationship
No relationship is a waste of time if you learned something from it. Your relationship with this girl hasn't worked out, but I'm willing to bet that there's a least one or two things you learned from this relationship which will help you to have better relationships in the future. Thinking about these things may help you to see the brighter side of the way this relationship played out.*

6. Remove hope, and live in the present
This one is definitely easier said than done. But whenever you start imagining getting back with your ex, close your eyes, count to ten, tell yourself that its over now and start focusing on something else. I think the reason some people find a break up even harder to get over than a bereavement is because of the presence of hope that exists after a break up, so doing all you can to accept that your relationship with your ex is done with is the best way to start moving forward. Remember that the past is the past for a reason, and that we cannot go back and live there. There's no point in wishing that you could, or in wishing that you could change something that's already happened for one simple reason - you can't.*

7. Do some voluntary work, or fund raise for a charity
This one really helped me. This gets you out of the house, gives you something else to focus on, and surrounding yourself with people who are less fortunate than you also puts your situation into perspective.

8. Exercise the blues away
Exercise is not only good for your body, but your mind too. Exercise releases chemicals that boost your mood. Set yourself some exercise goals to focus on, and it will give you a great sense of achievement when you reach them.*

9. Avoid social media stalking.
Seeing your ex will only make you think of them even more. It might also make you angry or upset if you see she is having a great time (or seems to be, social media pages are essentially just highlights reels of people's lives and are rarely a true reflection of their situation). Unfriending and blocking is normally the best course of action.
*