mental illness+dating?

[gloves123]

So im a second year university student, and Ive never dated anyone before (if were not counting elementary school 'dating') but recently I told some of my friends that i like this guy in our program and have for some time now. They've been trying to set us up and have been being my wing men, but I don't know how to tell them I'm scared of dating this guy no matter how much i like him.
I've had a lot of issues with my mental illness in the past, something which I manage to keep my friends out of because I don't want them to worry about me. But Ive heard from other friends in relationships that it isn't good to keep that big of a secret from someone you're dating. the thing is, my stance on my mental illness is that I don't want to drag anyone I care about into it.
Not only the mental illness, but I have severe abandonment issues and have successfully sabotaged three romantic relationships within the past four months because I was so afraid of them eventually leaving when they find out about my mental illness history and realize I'm more trouble than I'm worth.
And even if I manage to keep him out of the mental illness aspect, He'd eventually see my self harms scars and ask about them.
Does anyone else deal with this sort of thing? If so, any words of wisdom?

Honesty is ALWAYS better.

You can't hide you mental illness forever, as it impacts your daily life. You will eventually have a rough period and it's going to be hard to make up excuses so it seems like you don't have mental illness. When people care for you, they care for YOU. All of you, and that includes your mental illness. It can be scary to share that with someone, but in the end you'll feel better than you will if you hide it and, inevitably, sabotage yet another relationship.

Allow me to share a bit about my own life: (triggering: SH)

I was diagnosed with mental illness at the age of nine. I've been hospitalized many, many times for my psychiatric condition. I started self-harming when I was fifteen to cope. My scars cover most of my body. So for me, hiding my mental illness was never an option. I tried, but it didn't work out, and the scars made it obvious.

I was scared of what my partners would think, if they would judge me. I'd warn people before meeting that I had a lot of scars. And you know what? Not a single one of them judged me for it. They were all understanding. With the people I eventually ended up in relationships with they were there for me when I had breakdowns. They supported me. They didn't see me as a burden, or too much to handle, because they cared about me, all of me, and they wanted to be there for me.

You might be surprised by how people react to you. Most people will want to help and support you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I ever got was to view you and your partner as being on the same team. You face life together. You work through everything together, and you have each other's back. When you have that solid foundation of trust and reliability there's nothing you can't face.

So be truthful with him. You don't have to tell him everything all at once, but as time goes on and your intimacy grows I suggest opening up to him about your struggles. Chances are he'll be supportive and caring.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything else.

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

Honesty is ALWAYS better.

You can't hide you mental illness forever, as it impacts your daily life. You will eventually have a rough period and it's going to be hard to make up excuses so it seems like you don't have mental illness. When people care for you, they care for YOU. All of you, and that includes your mental illness. It can be scary to share that with someone, but in the end you'll feel better than you will if you hide it and, inevitably, sabotage yet another relationship.

Allow me to share a bit about my own life: (triggering: SH)

I was diagnosed with mental illness at the age of nine. I've been hospitalized many, many times for my psychiatric condition. I started self-harming when I was fifteen to cope. My scars cover most of my body. So for me, hiding my mental illness was never an option. I tried, but it didn't work out, and the scars made it obvious.

I was scared of what my partners would think, if they would judge me. I'd warn people before meeting that I had a lot of scars. And you know what? Not a single one of them judged me for it. They were all understanding. With the people I eventually ended up in relationships with they were there for me when I had breakdowns. They supported me. They didn't see me as a burden, or too much to handle, because they cared about me, all of me, and they wanted to be there for me.

You might be surprised by how people react to you. Most people will want to help and support you. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I ever got was to view you and your partner as being on the same team. You face life together. You work through everything together, and you have each other's back. When you have that solid foundation of trust and reliability there's nothing you can't face.

So be truthful with him. You don't have to tell him everything all at once, but as time goes on and your intimacy grows I suggest opening up to him about your struggles. Chances are he'll be supportive and caring.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything else.

I agree with this. Dating used to be hard for me because I was worried about talking to people about my mental illness and self harm. I was terrified that I would get to like them and they would leave. A number of they guys I dated, I didn't open up to right away, however I didn't really know them or trust them so opening up didn't seem like something I needed to do.

However, when I met my boyfriend, we talked a lot about his mental health issues and my own. I suppose, his honesty about his own struggles helped me but there were things I kept from him for a while because I was scared.

After we had talked for a while I admitted to him that I used to cut and I have extensive scars. He didn't care.

The truth is, that there might be people who will care but I don't think that those people will be in the majority. And, in all honesty, I think it is better to know before getting serious if they are going to care.