Triggering (Abuse): My boyfriend physically hurt me

[Jess~]

We had a long 3 day fight over something last week and ever since then things have been really tense and I've felt like I can't even communicate things to him without being afraid of getting him mad. Last weekend, he was supposed to meet my parents, who still don't know about him. But honestly throughout all of those arguments, I was definitely considering ending it. Or maybe not me ending it myself, but I definitely, in my heart, thought that we weren't going to be together after this. So I wasn't planning on even hanging out with him this weekend, I didn't tell my parents about him, nothing. And honestly, I really didn't want to see him this weekend. It sounded kind of nice just staying home.
Throughout Saturday we talked, he kept trying to hang out, I'd come up with excuses, he'd get mad, etc. But we finally got on good terms and he came up with an idea for us to hang out that night and the next morning.
I eventually told him that I wanted to, but explained how I just knew my parents wouldn't believe me. He got mad, of course, because what doesn't get him mad. And so I panicked and said, "Alright know what, I'm sick of this, do you wanna come meet them right now so we can just get this over with?" I was BSing completely, even though I am tired of living like this. I think a lot of the stress in our relationship is coming from the fact that it's all about lies and sneaking around, and if we could just relax without any pressure, maybe it'd be easier to judge whether we should be together or not.
But he got really happy that I was being so bold about it, finally, and said he was about to leave to meet them right now. Of course, as soon as I went to tell them, they said they were going to the store and wouldn't be back for a few hours. By then it would be too late.
I told my boyfriend this and he got pissed yet again and just said, "Fuck it, see you next weekend."

I guess he got over it again, though, because this morning he said he wanted to hang out. He lives like 30 minutes away, and I didn't tell my parents I was "going to the mall with my friends" until after he had left. Well, when I told them, they said that since the shoes they bought me for work were the wrong kinds, I need to go with them to the store tonight to try some on.
After I met my boyfriend up we went to breakfast I hadn't told him I needed to leave earlier. So when we got to some park to hang out, I told him. He got mad that I wouldn't tell him sooner, because then he wouldn't have driven all this way just for a few hours. But I told him I didn't know until he was already on his way. We just sat there in silence for a little until he said, "Alright well, come to the car for a minute." So we got in the car and I thought he was going to try and turn this into a positive, by making the most out of the few hours we had together and that we were going to drive somewhere else or something.
But instead he told me to lay my head in his lap, so I did. Then out of nowhere he started choking me with both hands really hard. He does sometimes, but never that hard. It's a kink for both of us, but this time was out of pure anger. It was so bad that there was no way I could breathe, and I tried to tell him to stop multiple times but I could literally feel my throat touching the other side when I tried to talk. Usually when he chokes me and it gets a bit too hard, I'll just tap his arm and he'll keep going for a few more seconds then stop. But this time I was straight up hitting and scratching his arm and he didn't stop. At one point he let his grip loosen a bit, to give me a little breath, until he kept going again, for longer.
I started crying almost immediately because I was so fucking terrified. Even now reliving that, I'm crying hard. It was probably one of the scariest physical moments of my life, only second to being raped.

The scariest part is, my rapist choked me hard too, but even he didn't choke me like that. He just did it enough to hold me down. But my boyfriend, I could literally feel how angry he was with me.
I sobbed for almost an hour after that happened. Like the deep, hiccuping sobbing where your breaths are staggered and it's almost like a hyperventilating kind of crying. The panicky crying, I guess.
He didn't seem too sorry after. Like he let me cry for obviously a long time, and I wouldn't look at him I just stared out the passenger window. But finally he made me look at him. I honestly am just rambling right now because I truly don't remember what he said after that or whether he said sorry or not. I want to believe that he did, but I don't remember. I think I might've had a panic attack.

A few hours afterward, he asked why I was crying for so long after it. Part of the reason was because, you know, I felt legitimately fucking afraid for my life. Part was because I was horrified someone who "cared" about me would hurt me like that. But a big part was the powerlessness I felt. I think that's already a terrifying feeling, but after experiencing it in a traumatic situation like rape, to go through that similar feeling of not being able to do anything to save yourself is hell, honestly. It took me back to that moment and I think that's the biggest reason I started panicking and sobbing uncontrollably.
The thing is, once I told him it was because when I was raped the guy did that to me too, he didn't say sorry. He didn't say he would never do it again. This motherfucker said, "Well, I'm not that guy. Don't associate me with him. Just know that his situation wasn't your fault, but this one is. So when I do this in the future, just know it's because of something you did. Most of the time."
Anything I started to feel for him before that moment has completely vanished. I just feel numbness for him. I lost all trust I have gained in him up until this point, which isn't a lot. I don't have feelings for him, but I still think losing the "boyfriend" figure would hurt me a bit.

Obviously if you judge our entire relationship on that, any reasonable person would be telling me to break it off immediately. I called a close friend right now and he and his girlfriend both begged me to call the police. Even my parents, a long time ago, said that if a boyfriend ever hits me, to just run as far as I could and get him out of my life, because if he would hurt me once, he would hurt me again. But he didn't hit me. I know this is obviously some kind of abuse though, right?

But what's confusing me, and the main thing holding me back from breaking up with him, is the good things he does. Like, he looks like the best boyfriend on the outside. He buys me gifts and today he brought me flowers out of nowhere. Yeah we just had our fight over the threesome, so maybe it was an apology or a peace offering. But I was still really surprised. He always wants to treat me to nice food places and when I told him that my parents were helping me buy my work uniform stuff, he got mad and said that I should've told him, because he would've bought it for me.
Aside from tangible items, the things he says are gushy gross things from romance movies. The shit I thought nobody in real life would ever say while taking themselves seriously. Stuff like, "I want you to be mine" and "I want to do everything I can to make you happy."
At first he made me happy, I think because he was a new thing and new things are always exhilarating. But honestly, now when I hang out with him, since he rushed me to say yes to dating him, I feel like I'm dating a complete stranger. I realized that I hate this way of dating, because now I feel trapped with someone I don't even have feelings for.

The most concerning thing to me is that today he dropped the L bomb. Towards the end of the day, after we kissed he hit my arm playfully and said, "God dammit I love you." I didn't even know how to respond, because again, only dating a month. It took me a year to realize I loved the first guy I said it to. Now I try to avoid saying the word at all, outloud. I think he was surprised he said it too, because he started stuttering and then said, "Well I mean, I love you this much" and held up his fingers to make barely a centimeter.


So yeah, sorry for the long post, but I think that's everything. I really don't want to see him next weekend. Honestly, I feel like I just want a break. But now he's emotionally invested and I'm terrified he'll get mad at me. I think he was afraid I would break up with him after the whole choking thing, because he joked like, "what if you just go home and delete my number and cut me off because of this." Honestly I was considering doing exactly that. But then he said that wouldn't work because he has my address so he'd just show up.
I'm also terrified that if we took a break he'd start having sex with other girls. As stupid as it sounds, even after what he did I still don't want to lose him to some other bitch. I don't think it's so much the "losing him" that would hurt me, it's more being left yet again for someone who's better than me. Yet again being second best. Yet again being "cheated" on.

I don't know, I'm so scared.

[TheAtomicBlade]

Hey there,
I'm so sorry to hear what your boyfriend did.
Honestly, my advice is dump him. No man ever hits a woman to hurt her. If you signalled the choking was beyond the kink zone into dangerous territories he backs off. End of story. What he did, in my view, is unacceptable.
Honestly, I understand where you are coming from in terms of him being affectionate etc. However, in my eyes, it really feels like manipulation. To me it seems he thinks he can buy your affection via presents and saying romantic things. The fact that he hit you would signal to me that he isn't serious about the relationship.

I understand your fears about being cheated on or left. However, like I've told you before, you deserve the best. If he is abusive, etc he is not the best. He doesn't have the right to abuse you period.
My advice, again is to end it.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

[Jess~]

It's just hard to break up with him because there's good things about him too, even besides the things I talked about in this post.
My number one concern right now is to stay safe and make sure my family's safe, so I'm kind of scared to proceed with anything until I know all my options and can think about the situation with a clear head. Right now I'm still just trying to wrap my head around it.

I've told my two closest IRL friends and my two closest online friends. The IRL friends and one online friend said to go to the police, one said not to. Personally I don't feel like the incident itself was enough to warrant starting a whole new report and case all over again. I mean, I literally just got done with the fucking rape case. To go through all that legal shit again would be exhausting.
There is a fingernail mark in my neck from where he broke the skin from grabbing so hard, and I think there's a small bruise appearing as well. I talked to someone on a domestic violence hotline and she said to get checked at a hospital, because apparently choking can cause damage that kills you even weeks later. I don't think what he did to me was the worst case of choking by any means, and realistically I don't think I'm going to die from it. But even if I thought I was, there's no way for me to get medical help because we don't have insurance and I don't know of any free options for going to the doctor.

I'm obviously going to break up with him, but I just want to do it safely. My friends are most concerned about the fact that he said if I cut him off, he'll just show up at my house. I could tell he was joking when he said that, I know he doesn't have a gun, and I really doubt he'd actually come do something to me. But I'm just terrified of downplaying the situation and then something really bad happening to me or my family and it'll all be my fault.

I really, really wanna talk to a counselor about this. I even branched out, since my rape counselor is booked for awhile, to my college's mental health counselor. But my appointment isn't until next week, and he wants to hang out every single weekend. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to hang out this weekend without making him suspicious or super mad again.

I guess I just feel like the situation is a ticking time bomb and so I don't want to make the wrong choice, because I feel like any wrong move could get me into an unsafe situation.


So I just really need to know if this is bad enough to the point I should tell the police. I don't think it really is, but then again I didn't think the rape was at first either. I don't want to decide it's not, then shower and have the marks heal, and then have a professional counselor tell me I should report it.

Your boyfriend is following the typical pattern of an abusive partner. Episodes of violence, be it physical, sexual, or emotional, are followed by a period of consideration and affection. The partner may dote on you, may say sweet things, may buy you gifts; anything to look redeeming in your eyes and make you doubt the legitimacy of the abuse that happened. It's manipulation to make you stay so they can continue the cycle of abuse. You're left questioning who is the real "them" and who isn't. Your left questioning what's wrong and what's right. The whole time you are vulnerable to their attacks until the cycle is broken, whether that's by you or outside forces.

Your boyfriend choked you well beyond any "kinky" point. You did not even give consent of any form in the first place. You gave the signal to stop and he kept going. That's assault. Go to the police. Talk to a domestic violence hotline and shelter, do research, and find ways to leave safely. You're right; it's not always safest to just up and leave, contrary to what many people tell you when you tell them your partner is abusive, so you need resources to decide what steps to take in leaving him. I also wonder if, in addition to your counselors, you might talk to your parents. Parents aren't stupid. I'm sure they've suspected you're dating someone, and even if they haven't, any anger they might have will be secondary to the danger you, their daughter, are in, and to the fact that someone hurt you. They may be able to help.

Yes, it's serious, and yes, you deserve help. You also deserve to be in a healthy, supportive relationship, and I would suggest once you leave this one that maybe you take a little while to decide what that looks like for you. Generally there needs to be mutual respect, consideration for boundaries, and clear, open, and healthy communication. Fights don't need to happen, especially fights that lead to violence of some sort. You deserve better.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.

The most concerning thing is that he said "Just know that his situation wasn't your fault, but this one is. So when I do this in the future, just know it's because of something you did" He is blaming you and saying that it will happen again. He isn't trying to apologize and say how sorry he is like a number of abusers do he is letting you know that it will happen again but when it does he is not to blame.

I know he might have done some really great things for you in the past but please get away because this will continue to happen and it is likely something that will get worse. The fact that he is letting you know that this is going to happen again is also concerning because it shows, without a doubt, that he does not see anything wrong with his behavior and does not have any intention of changing. While I personally do not think an abusive person can ever really change ... I do think that if there is any chance of the abuser changing ... they have to know they have a problem and be willing to seek help. He is not going to be willing to see it as a problem and because of that he won't change.

No matter how good he has been to you in the past; the moment he put his hands on you like that was the moment that those good things stopped being important.

[Jess~]

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

Your boyfriend is following the typical pattern of an abusive partner. Episodes of violence, be it physical, sexual, or emotional, are followed by a period of consideration and affection. The partner may dote on you, may say sweet things, may buy you gifts; anything to look redeeming in your eyes and make you doubt the legitimacy of the abuse that happened. It's manipulation to make you stay so they can continue the cycle of abuse. You're left questioning who is the real "them" and who isn't. Your left questioning what's wrong and what's right. The whole time you are vulnerable to their attacks until the cycle is broken, whether that's by you or outside forces.

Your boyfriend choked you well beyond any "kinky" point. You did not even give consent of any form in the first place. You gave the signal to stop and he kept going. That's assault. Go to the police. Talk to a domestic violence hotline and shelter, do research, and find ways to leave safely. You're right; it's not always safest to just up and leave, contrary to what many people tell you when you tell them your partner is abusive, so you need resources to decide what steps to take in leaving him. I also wonder if, in addition to your counselors, you might talk to your parents. Parents aren't stupid. I'm sure they've suspected you're dating someone, and even if they haven't, any anger they might have will be secondary to the danger you, their daughter, are in, and to the fact that someone hurt you. They may be able to help.

Yes, it's serious, and yes, you deserve help. You also deserve to be in a healthy, supportive relationship, and I would suggest once you leave this one that maybe you take a little while to decide what that looks like for you. Generally there needs to be mutual respect, consideration for boundaries, and clear, open, and healthy communication. Fights don't need to happen, especially fights that lead to violence of some sort. You deserve better.

Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~

The most concerning thing is that he said "Just know that his situation wasn't your fault, but this one is. So when I do this in the future, just know it's because of something you did" He is blaming you and saying that it will happen again. He isn't trying to apologize and say how sorry he is like a number of abusers do he is letting you know that it will happen again but when it does he is not to blame.

I know he might have done some really great things for you in the past but please get away because this will continue to happen and it is likely something that will get worse. The fact that he is letting you know that this is going to happen again is also concerning because it shows, without a doubt, that he does not see anything wrong with his behavior and does not have any intention of changing. While I personally do not think an abusive person can ever really change ... I do think that if there is any chance of the abuser changing ... they have to know they have a problem and be willing to seek help. He is not going to be willing to see it as a problem and because of that he won't change.

No matter how good he has been to you in the past; the moment he put his hands on you like that was the moment that those good things stopped being important.

Thank you so much for this. After it happened I ignored his texts almost all day, so of course he got suspicious and eventually he called me. I told him I just don't know what I'm going to do, and he was terrified I was going to go to the police. So that tells me he knows it was wrong. I made a report against my rapist because I felt like it was the only power I had left against him, like the only thing I could really do to punish him for what he did. With my boyfriend, he honestly truly seems devastated that I'm "considering" breaking up with him. I dated my rapist for a short time a few months before the rape happened, and he was abusive too. But he never showed any emotion about it when I brought it up. Of course, I was a much less assertive person back then. But still, when I brought it up on the phone with this guy, he actually sounded like he was holding back tears.
I recorded parts of the phone conversation, just in case. Even though I definitely need to break up with him, I don't think I necessarily need to bring this to the police. After talking to him, I felt a little bit better.

I'm in a really complicated and scary spot right now, because as a person I have a lot of empathy and I often want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to know both sides of every story and above all, I want to help people when they're struggling.
And hearing my boyfriend on the phone with me, about to cry because I was about to break up with him. As terrified as I felt when I thought I was going to die, I almost felt the same amount of emotion, if not maybe a bit more, of sadness because I knew I was hurting him. And that's so scary to me, because the logical side of me, who knows what an abusive relationship looks like and the tactics that the abusers use, knows that he could just be trying to tell me everything I want to hear in order to get me back with him. But the sympathetic side of me really, really wants to believe that he realizes what he did was wrong and that he's not going to do it again.
I just don't know.

I really want to make it clear that I appreciate your advice so much, and I know that you're both right and that I need to get away from him. I just never imagined it would be this hard on me, to get away from the person who hurt me like that. I'm not trying to delegitimize what you said by any means, and I really don't want my confusion to come off that way. Just making that clear.
I still actually haven't broken up with him, to be honest. We are on a bit of a "break" now, which means we're not hanging out at all in person but still texting and talking on the phone sometimes. Sometimes he's still really fun to talk to and he still makes me laugh. But whenever I bring up what happened, he says stuff that I'd be stupid to not consider a red flag. One time he asked why I'm "bringing up old shit" and how he just wants us to get past that. He said that exactly a week after it happened. Another time he asked how many times I want to hear him say sorry, and I joked and said 1000 times. Then he said, "Well people in hell want ice water." And finally, on the phone tonight, he said he thinks I'm over it. I'm definitely not. Every time I go back to that moment where he was choking me, I can still feel how scared I was and a lot of times I'll cry just thinking about it. That tells me that I'm not "over it".
Thinking about meeting him up again is terrifying. Even though I don't really believe he'll do it again, I'm just even more scared of it happening again. Because he knows that if he ever does something along those lines again to me, we'll be done for good. So I'm afraid that if one day he can't control himself and he gets angry and hurts me again, he'll realize that I'm going to break up with him, and he'll be so upset about it that he'll just kill me then and there.
I know for a fact he doesn't have a gun, but I just keep running different scenarios through my head where he gets mad at me or tricks me into meeting him up again and then he pulls out a gun and shoots me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm so scared of the worst that could happen, but I'm also so lost when it comes to just ending it. I've never broken up with someone before, so I feel double lost as to how to do it.


Oh also, as some sort of "revenge", since I for some reason can't bring myself to break up with him, I have kinda been "cheating" on him. I haven't met anyone up yet, but I did go back on Tinder and have been talking to multiple people. I also have been exchanging pictures with one guy. So that makes it even worse, because I'm afraid if I do see him again and he finds out I "cheated" (idk if it really counts as cheating to be honest) he'll hurt me and maybe do worse, for sure.


I know this all sounds really stupid, because how hard can it be to just break up with someone who abused me? But I just don't know, I guess there's maybe some part of me that still wishes he could be a good boyfriend. Maybe deep down I'm really not ready to go back to feeling like I'm only good enough for sex. Even though he hurt me once, and I really have no feelings for him at all, there's still something to be said about someone actually wanting to be with me.
I don't know, I think I just really don't want to believe that all the relationships I've been in have been abusive or incredibly devastating.

Originally Posted by Jess~

I know this all sounds really stupid, because how hard can it be to just break up with someone who abused me? But I just don't know, I guess there's maybe some part of me that still wishes he could be a good boyfriend.

I highlight this part of your post because this is exactly how I felt about my abusive boyfriend before I broke up with him. There were so many indicators that I should leave him, that he was manipulative and controlling and was actively harming me on a daily basis, but I wanted to believe that he was maybe able to be a good partner to me because he had promised me that he would be. I desperately wanted to believe that because I wanted to believe I was worth something, that I had value, because I didn't feel I had value by myself. I don't know if you feel you don't have value, so that may be where our stories differ, but I can understand some of your feelings.

No one can get you to leave him except you. But I STRONGLY advise you to look at the facts you yourself have presented. You're not over the abuse, and you're unhappy he's saying it's "old stuff" and pushing you to "get over it." You're terrified of meeting him in person again. You fear that he may possibly kill you the next time he's angry if you've done something "bad" enough.

This is a toxic, manipulative, unhealthy, unsafe relationship. In all blunt honesty, I don't think it should matter that it makes you "feel like you're worth more than sex," because that's not true, and you're telling yourself that at the ]expense of your own live and wellbeing. You're not worth more than sex to him.To him you're a thing to use, control, manipulate, overpower, and he can get away with it because he's playing on your sympathy. DON'T give him another chance to hurt you.

I don't know whether you're technically "cheating" or not, but I can tell you this: I've seen your threads over the last months. I've seen you struggling feeling like you're worth something, seen you jump from relationship to relationship with Tinder guys and honestly it's not healthy. You are NOT at fault for being harmed, and I want to be clear that that's not what I'm saying. But you don't have a basis, a foundation, for healthy relationships. Your communication in them tends to be unclear and dysfunctional. When you break up with this boyfriend (as I believe you absolutely should), I suggest taking a break from sex and relationships. You're searching for your value in how other people see you and you will never see your true worth that way. If you keep at it you'll only get hurt and disappointed. Try to take the time to develop your own self-worth. I promise it'll make you feel a huge difference, and then you don't have to rely on other people to make you feel something.

Good luck. PM me if you need anything else.

[Jess~]

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

I highlight this part of your post because this is exactly how I felt about my abusive boyfriend before I broke up with him. There were so many indicators that I should leave him, that he was manipulative and controlling and was actively harming me on a daily basis, but I wanted to believe that he was maybe able to be a good partner to me because he had promised me that he would be. I desperately wanted to believe that because I wanted to believe I was worth something, that I had value, because I didn't feel I had value by myself. I don't know if you feel you don't have value, so that may be where our stories differ, but I can understand some of your feelings.

No one can get you to leave him except you. But I STRONGLY advise you to look at the facts you yourself have presented. You're not over the abuse, and you're unhappy he's saying it's "old stuff" and pushing you to "get over it." You're terrified of meeting him in person again. You fear that he may possibly kill you the next time he's angry if you've done something "bad" enough.

This is a toxic, manipulative, unhealthy, unsafe relationship. In all blunt honesty, I don't think it should matter that it makes you "feel like you're worth more than sex," because that's not true, and you're telling yourself that at the ]expense of your own live and wellbeing. You're not worth more than sex to him.To him you're a thing to use, control, manipulate, overpower, and he can get away with it because he's playing on your sympathy. DON'T give him another chance to hurt you.

I don't know whether you're technically "cheating" or not, but I can tell you this: I've seen your threads over the last months. I've seen you struggling feeling like you're worth something, seen you jump from relationship to relationship with Tinder guys and honestly it's not healthy. You are NOT at fault for being harmed, and I want to be clear that that's not what I'm saying. But you don't have a basis, a foundation, for healthy relationships. Your communication in them tends to be unclear and dysfunctional. When you break up with this boyfriend (as I believe you absolutely should), I suggest taking a break from sex and relationships. You're searching for your value in how other people see you and you will never see your true worth that way. If you keep at it you'll only get hurt and disappointed. Try to take the time to develop your own self-worth. I promise it'll make you feel a huge difference, and then you don't have to rely on other people to make you feel something.

Good luck. PM me if you need anything else.

i just want to thank you so much for this. even though it's a harsh truth, i feel like it's what i really needed to hear, and too many people are afraid to tell the truth these days. so thank you, so so much.

i agree to a point with what you said about developing my self more, but honestly, part of me feels like i've done a lot of that already. in the several months i spent at counseling after my sexual assault, i definitely gained a lot of self-esteem and motivation for life. i feel like i know what i need to focus on in my life and i'm trying to get it all together. i actually even reconnected with an old ex/friend and now i can see what a shitty person he is. i still care about him, but even though he did tell me how much he missed me, i didn't fall for it because i knew he wasn't right for me, relationship wise. i went back to counseling for the choking incident and even sitting there, i feel a lot more comfortable talking about my thoughts and feelings, and more like they're valid.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i can see it's obvious i need to work on something about myself or my life, but i just don't know where to start. i never really knew how to develop standards, and i honestly am not sure what you mean by a foundation for a relationship. i just don't know what to work on.

i do 100% agree with your suggestion of taking a break from guys and dating and sex. i actually posted on my social media that i don't want anyone asking me to constantly hang out or anything, because that distracts me from my own life. even though i feel more stable now that i have a job and am getting my shit done at school, i still need to find a balance between it all. so i guess i'll start there.

is that what working on yourself is? just finding a balance and getting your stuff together and becoming a whole person again?


and yeah, i have made up my mind for sure that i am going to break up with him. i still don't know what to say, and i feel like the longer i carry it out the worse it's going to be. part of me wants to see him one more time just to be sure, even though that's really stupid. but then a big part of me feels this disgust and uneasiness at the thought of even looking at him again. ugh, it's just one of those things that i keep going back and forth on. i'm sorry that i keep dragging this out. i'm so uncertain of everything. i do know, however, that i have a good reason to break up and a good reason to explain to him why i'm breaking up with him. a friend was telling me that since it's been a couple weeks since it happened, it doesn't even matter anymore. but i think i'm going to tell him that ever since he choked me, i lost all feelings for him, and i can't keep going on in this relationship. that way he still knows it's his fault, but maybe won't aggravate him as much? i don't know.

I recommend you avoid seeing him again, especially if that's what your gut is telling you. Intuition is a strong thing, and you could only be giving him the opportunity to hurt you again, possibly even worse. I think it would be smart to try and break it off another way. If you're in counseling I would recommend asking your therapist for suggestions. I don't feel comfortable advising something in this situation since I don't have enough information and I don't feel qualified. Hopefully your therapist is someone you're comfortable with that you can trust with this matter.

I understand it's hard to know what to work on. I would say sit down and make a list of the best life you could possibly lead for yourself (that's reasonably attainable). Once you make those goals, write down the steps you need to take in order to achieve them. Break the steps down as small as your possibly can, and then set yourself on a path to attain those goals. You can give yourself a timeline if you want, but remember that life happens and you may have to stray from it, so try not to be too hard on yourself if you do. The point is to feel like you're making progress and that you have a sense of purpose.

I would also suggest making a list about yourself. What do you like about yourself? What don't you like? What would you like to change about yourself? What resources can you access to make those changes happen? Do you need to talk about it in counseling? Do you need to work on having a different group of friends? Things like that.

And, finally, I would suggest making those standards for yourself, especially when it comes to boundaries. When someone has been abused it's often difficult to set healthy boundaries, so you're not alone in that. I suggest making a venn diagram and throwing out ideas: what boundaries do you need to set for yourself, what boundaries do you need to set for others, and where do they overlap? Overlapping is the zone where it's more fluid but the farther out you get from the center the more solid the boundaries need to be. Think about what feels good to you now, but also what you think might be a good addition.

A foundation for a healthy relationship is based on mutual acceptance and respect. Try and view it as though you and your partner are on the same team. You want to treat your teammate well and you want to work together, even when there's conflict. Though each of you are bound to hurt one another at some point, you try not to forget which team your on. And, because you're on a team, you can work on intimacy and meeting the goals you both have for yourselves and each other.

Working on oneself means different things to different people. To me, it's empowering myself and working to be the best me I can be. You may need to find your own definition. But I want to stress that you are never not a whole person. It can definitely feel that way, but you're still you. You don't have to let your abusers steal that from you.