Boyfriend's drunken stepdad wanted sex, wife in denial, I feel so alone

[CheekyMonkey98]

I was sleeping round my boyfriend's house in a separate room from him per usual because of rules (he's 16 and I'm 17) & suddenly my boyfriend's bedroom door (where I was sleeping) was open and light was pouring in and the stepdad was standing there and I knew he had been drinking so I thought he was thinking I was his stepson and so was checking up on him. He started asking weird stuff like "Can you keep a secret? Just between you and me?" And I just blankly stared at him and politely asked him to go away as I was tired. He left and then I fell asleep and woke up about twenty minutes later and he was standing there staring at me and I was really creeped out so I asked him if he was drunk and he kept asking me if I could keep a secret so I told him more firmly to go away as I felt uneasy. He left but opened the door literally minutes later and said that he was horny and wanted oral sex. I was extremely creeped out and told him to go away and I wasn't going to do that and that's something he and his wife should be doing. He kept going, telling me to spread my legs and saying really disgusting things and I was starting to get really scared so I started trying to call my boyfriend on my phone but he wasn't answering. Everyone else in the house was drunk (the stepdad and mother went out to the pub and my boyfriend's older sister had celebrated her birthday weekend with her boyfriend so they were both asleep in her room). The stepdad walked out and then came back in, actually stepping inside the room and I was freaking out and he was repeating what he was saying and I guess I must have looked really scared as he sort of mumbled and walked off.

My boyfriend finally woke up after my endless calling & came to get me & he is disgusted & angry & tried to demand what his stepdad was doing & his stepdad went to physically attack him but yet hasn't even apologised to me. My boyfriend's mother was more angry that my boyfriend was swearing than the fact her husband wanted to have sex with his stepson's underage girlfriend. Everyone else in the house knows what happened but they are too embarrassed/ashamed & his wife (my boyfriend's mother) is in denial as after I told her everything, she saI'd "He wouldn't do that. He's not like that when he's drunk" & she claims he doesn't remember it but I know he does because nobody had said anything to him first thing in the morning but he couldn t look at me. She keeps trying to catch me out by asking for specific details like what he was wearing & why I didn't call her (I know she can't handle her drink and was passed out so it was pointless to call her) but I called everyone else. I am terrified to be around this man & his wife seems totally okay with the idea that he wanted to force himself on me & cheat on her. She told me that she doesn't know what to do about it but they still both seem happy as hell and not affected by this at all. I love my boyfriend but I know this is greatly going to affect us and I am too scared to visit him do I would invite him to mine but my dad is ridiculously overprotective and won't let him come round even if my dad is present in the house. Because my dad is so overprotective, I know he won't let me see my boyfriend ever again if I tell him about the stepdad's behaviour, despite my boyfriend having no control over it. I feel so unsupported by my boyfriend's family as they're in denial or just trying to ignore it. My boyfriend has no power as they are alienating him when he tries to defend me and not allow this to be ignored.

[Always *]

I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. That must have bee very so scary. And while I can empathize with your boyfriends moms reaction (imagine finding that out!) I'm sorry that her somewhat understandable reaction is so invalidating to you, it's unfair.

If you're not comfortable talking to your dad, I won't press the matter. What you need right now is an adult who you can trust to react in your best interests and sometimes a parent, while they have your best interests in mind, aren't necessarily going to be helpful - jumping immediately to effectively insisting you end your relationship isn't the only solution. But you really should talk to someone, such as a school guidance counsellor. It might help a lot and you can keep asking around until someone can help you out. For example, someone can help you to keep your relationship healthy while still maintaining boundaries to keep you away from his family (because if the stepdad is there it'll orobsblyne pretty toxic for a while) and that requires some fine handling that might not come easily to you.

How does your boyfriend feel about this situation? It sounds like he's on your side, but he still has to live in that house where he might feel uncomfortable and unsafe now. Is there anywhere else that he can stay? With another relative for example...

Again, I'm sorry that this happened.

[CheekyMonkey98]

Originally Posted by Always *

I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. That must have bee very so scary. And while I can empathize with your boyfriends moms reaction (imagine finding that out!) I'm sorry that her somewhat understandable reaction is so invalidating to you, it's unfair.

If you're not comfortable talking to your dad, I won't press the matter. What you need right now is an adult who you can trust to react in your best interests and sometimes a parent, while they have your best interests in mind, aren't necessarily going to be helpful - jumping immediately to effectively insisting you end your relationship isn't the only solution. But you really should talk to someone, such as a school guidance counsellor. It might help a lot and you can keep asking around until someone can help you out. For example, someone can help you to keep your relationship healthy while still maintaining boundaries to keep you away from his family (because if the stepdad is there it'll orobsblyne pretty toxic for a while) and that requires some fine handling that might not come easily to you.

How does your boyfriend feel about this situation? It sounds like he's on your side, but he still has to live in that house where he might feel uncomfortable and unsafe now. Is there anywhere else that he can stay? With another relative for example...

Again, I'm sorry that this happened.

I just don't understand how she can sit there and not be upset by it? My boyfriend told her I was scared of her husband and she literally said "Well don't invite her round then?" She is so okay with it that it disturbs me. I really don't think she believes me even though her oldest daughter said that when she was slipping in and out of consciousness, she heard my door opening and closing repeatedly around the time I reported.

His stepdad has went to attack him before, and my boyfriend's own father was abusive to him in his childhood so he has nowhere else to go. I've asked him to keep his head down but that I appreciate him defending me so much. It's a really messed up situation but my boyfriend and his family have asked me to keep it quiet as they are so embarrassed so I don't know what to do.

[Always *]

That's really bizarre that she's not at least panicking. I'm so sorry. She might just be in denial - imagine being married to a guy and finding out he's actually a scum bag - but that's still wrong an incredibly unfair to you, there is no real reason to put yourself on the line like that if it weren't true, and I hope she'll realize the error of her ways and come around to be supportive.

You don't need to like, advertise this on social media, but you deserve to be able to reach out for help. I get that their embarrassed, but you shouldn't have to turn away you're feelings just because they don't want to admit to having a scum bag in their mix.

There are a number of reasons why his mom might be choosing to respond this way. She might be financially dependent upon the stepdad and if they break up she'll be destitute. She could be afraid to be alone. There are so many reasons that people choose not to leave in situations like this.

I will tell you that you have every right to be angry at the family's reaction. I am glad your boyfriend has been receptive and has been trying to support you. I think that the two of you need to figure out other ways/places you can hang out because being around his stepdad would endanger you.

If you want to talk feel free to message me.

[jade92]

I think it would be better for you not to be in that house again. But you should be happy that your boyfriends support you.
The families denial might be because they are scared of him or he is the one who is financially helping them.
I would appreciate the way you acted in this situation. Don't worry about all these things.