Male Advice Preferred: Boyfriend getting close to female friend

[chloereedy]

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months now, and we've been together since we were 15 (He's now 17 and I'm 17 in June). We met through a friend, but he goes to a different school so we don't see each other very often, maybe once a week? His school is a private school with only about 125 students aged 3-18 and a lot of them are foreign, so there aren't many people his age to be friends with. There's a girl in the year below him (let's call her A, and him M) and they talk occasionally at school as there's pretty much no one else.

Basically, in March his school held a skiing trip in Italy, and both M and A went on it. Over the trip they got closer, and as he was abroad he couldn't talk to me very much due to text cots/bad wifi. When M came back from the trip things were pretty weird between us - conversations were short, arguments started pretty easily and it just wasn't nice. During an argument he said that he didn't 'feel the same anymore', and me, being the jealous, insecure girl that I am, asked him if it was because of A - I knew they'd been talking a lot, and I saw that he'd been putting kisses on the end of messages to her, (oh and I found out that she had admitted to people, including M, that she liked him!) so I had been a little bit worried - which kinda started a big argument (our biggest one probably) and we almost broke up. We didn't, as both us said that we wanted to be with each other and we just needed to see each other again as it had been a while - plus, I was due to go on holiday to Luxembourg with him and his family at the end of March, so things had to be sorted.

Things were good for a while. We went on holiday, we had fun, things were a lot better. Then around the middle of April, things started to go weird again, the same as before - short, empty conversations, arguments. Then on the 21st April, he told me he was unhappy with the relationship. He said that he didn't like the arguing, he felt we didn't have much to talk about any more, he didn't feel the same 'nervous spark' that he felt at the beginning of the relationship (I just thought this was just down to being comfortable with each other, not a bad thing??) and then he felt like things should change. So I asked what he wanted to happen and he said he didn't know - in the short term he felt like being single would be best, but he wanted to be with me in the long term. I got extremely upset and told my parents because I didn't know what to do - they just told me to ignore him, let him realise what he's going to lose, and just go to bed (it was about 10PM). The next day, I didn't talk to him until after school, but then I had work at 5 so we couldn't carry on the conversation until 9 when I finished work. After work we carried on our conversation and it didn't go to well - we basically both got very upset and emotional, things were said and then he asked me if I would meet him in town so he could basically break up with me to my face. I just asked him if we were over at that point, and if we were then there was no point in waiting until the next day seeing as we both knew it wad going to happen? Then he was pretty rude to me, so I just said to him, as much as it broke my heart, 'Fine, I'll say it for you - it's over'. I'd never been so upset in my life.

After that he asked me to still meet him in town the next day so we could talk, and not end an almost 2 year relationship by text. So I met him, we both cried a lot and surprisingly we got back together - we came up with three options: one, we split up for good. Two, we get back together. Three, we wait until after the exams (we're both doing our AS exams at the moment) and then see how things are then and maybe get back together. We went for option two - we both realised what we actually wanted was each other, and we didn't want to lose what we had.

Like I said before, we've started doing our exams and my dad is pretty strict - he makes me revise A LOT, I can't go on my phone until 8:30PM and I'm not really allowed to leave the house much, so I've only seen M once since we got back together. Anyway, on Snapchat you can the little heart emojis to show who your best friend is? Well I found out that M and A have got the red love heart on each others names, which means they've been mutual best friends for two weeks - they talk to each other the most on it. I know this makes me sound extremely petty and jealous, but it really annoys me and kinda upsets me that they talk to each other the most. Like, every time I go onto Snapchat it's like a constant reminder that he talks to her more than me, and I find it hard to understand how they can have so much to talk to when a typical conversation between me and him goes something like : 'Hi' 'Hi' 'how are you?' 'I'm okay, how are you?' 'I'm okay, how was your day?' 'It was okay, how was yours?' 'It was boring, wyd?' 'Nothing much, wbu?' 'Just watching tv' and that's pretty much it, it dies after about 10 minutes.

I just don't know what to do because I trust and love him, and A is actually a really nice girl which makes it a lot harder to not like her, but I'm just really worried that he's going to start liking her and he'll leave me for her - he's said that it won't happen, but I can't help but worrying about it, and it's going to start causing arguments and I really don't want that to happen. He really makes me happy, but I really don't know what to do.

Sorry about the length, but any help would be really appreciated. x

[Fallingforyou]

Hey there!

You don't have to apologize for the length of your post, it actually makes it easier to understand your situation and I see why it bothers you so much.

First of all, I think it's impressive that you and your boyfriend have been for together for more than a year and a half, even though it wasn't always easy. Most relationships between teenagers that I know of don't last that long and I believe that if you can make it this far, you must really have a connection and it's worth a lot to have such a person in your life

To me it seems like that's also the reason why you are jealous, which is fine, because if you weren't it's almost like you didn't care if he chose someone else over you. I'm sure you both trust each other very much, but it can be hard when the person you are in a relationship with is also close to someone else of the opposite gender. At the beginning you said that your boyfriend went to a private school with not a lot of people to talk to and that's probably why him and A became friends in the first place. We all act different around the people we see on a daily basis and those we only get to meet on certain days, but that doesn't mean that we appreciate the second group any less. It's difficult to explain, but what I really want to say is that you should try to trust your boyfriend with differentiating between female friends and his girlfriend and if he really can't it's completely okay for you to point it out to him

Another thing I have noticed is that some people are easier to talk to in real life whereas in text they are extremely reserved, so I doubt it has anything to do with you guys not having to say anything to each other anymore. I realize that's only a small part of the problem, but it might calm you down a bit and please don't worry too much about it

Hopefully this could help a little and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best for the future

[Coffee.]

Many people besides my partner have been my best friend on Snapchat; if my partner were to care about each and every guy I've befriended or spent hours on end talking to, he'd be a very stressed out man. He made a friend of the opposite sex. Could they be more than friends? Of course, but you're going to have to choose whether or not you trust him.

To be honest, this relationship seems to have a large amount of problems outside of A by the amount of breakups and fights happening in a short amount of time. What is the cause of these fights? What is the issue you two are arguing about? I think addressing all issues is more important than talking to him about the girl. Is it all about communication? Can you get him to elaborate on no longer feeling "connected?" Do you think spending more time after exams will fix this, or do you think you two are growing apart?

[chloereedy]

Originally Posted by Fallingforyou

Hey there!

You don't have to apologize for the length of your post, it actually makes it easier to understand your situation and I see why it bothers you so much.

First of all, I think it's impressive that you and your boyfriend have been for together for more than a year and a half, even though it wasn't always easy. Most relationships between teenagers that I know of don't last that long and I believe that if you can make it this far, you must really have a connection and it's worth a lot to have such a person in your life

To me it seems like that's also the reason why you are jealous, which is fine, because if you weren't it's almost like you didn't care if he chose someone else over you. I'm sure you both trust each other very much, but it can be hard when the person you are in a relationship with is also close to someone else of the opposite gender. At the beginning you said that your boyfriend went to a private school with not a lot of people to talk to and that's probably why him and A became friends in the first place. We all act different around the people we see on a daily basis and those we only get to meet on certain days, but that doesn't mean that we appreciate the second group any less. It's difficult to explain, but what I really want to say is that you should try to trust your boyfriend with differentiating between female friends and his girlfriend and if he really can't it's completely okay for you to point it out to him

Another thing I have noticed is that some people are easier to talk to in real life whereas in text they are extremely reserved, so I doubt it has anything to do with you guys not having to say anything to each other anymore. I realize that's only a small part of the problem, but it might calm you down a bit and please don't worry too much about it

Hopefully this could help a little and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best for the future

Yeah I completely understand why him and A became friends, and I'm really glad he's got friends - I don't want him to stop talking to her for me, I just can't help worrying/getting jealous. I do trust him , I really do, I think it's just a big part of it IS the fact that I'm jealous of her spending a lot more time with him than I do. I get that I can't change that, but it upsets me that there can be days when all I need is a hug from him but I can't have one

And yeah, I also understand that talking is different in real life, when we're together it's so relaxed and happy and I seriously wouldn't change anything - apart from the fact that the days I get to spend with him are so few and far between.

I get to see him on Saturday though, which I'm extremely looking forward to!

Thanks for your advice, it means a lot.

[chloereedy]

Originally Posted by Coffee.

Many people besides my partner have been my best friend on Snapchat; if my partner were to care about each and every guy I've befriended or spent hours on end talking to, he'd be a very stressed out man. He made a friend of the opposite sex. Could they be more than friends? Of course, but you're going to have to choose whether or not you trust him.

To be honest, this relationship seems to have a large amount of problems outside of A by the amount of breakups and fights happening in a short amount of time. What is the cause of these fights? What is the issue you two are arguing about? I think addressing all issues is more important than talking to him about the girl. Is it all about communication? Can you get him to elaborate on no longer feeling "connected?" Do you think spending more time after exams will fix this, or do you think you two are growing apart?

A few of the arguments stem from me getting annoyed when he won't open up to, I'll admit that - if I notice he's upset or annoyed and I ask him what's wrong, he won't tell me, which leads to think that he doesn't want my help, or I can't help him. Other times I think is just mainly because we don't see each other for a while - it often happens, when it gets to the point where it's been a couple of weeks since the last time we've seen each other and there's quite a bit of tension, but it disappears when we see each other again.

After exams I do plan to see him a lot more often which I think will fix things - we used to see each other every weekend and things were always great during the week. From my side of things, I do believe that the tension does come from missing each other, but I could be wrong.

[Coffee.]

I'd recommend talking to him about it. With the opening up, this is also a socialized thing. Men are not socialized to be as open with their feelings as women are, and this can be very obnoxious, but he's not meaning to be reclusive.

I also want to put out the idea that it's okay if he trusts talking to another person about his problems more than you. If my partner is having issues surrounding his career, I'm not the best person for him to talk to about it, his best friend is. They're both in the same field, his friend can give him better advice. Sometimes, he goes to a friend who is a girl about advice, maybe even advice about me. That's okay. Your boyfriend might be going to that friend of his (or another friend, for that matter) with things he does not tell you, and I don't think that makes him a bad boyfriend. If you're not okay with that, you need to tell him, but personally, I feel humans naturally use other humans for their best skill sets. If this girl has experience with parents divorcing, for example, and he needs that advice, he may go to her.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

[chloereedy]

We have talked about it in the past and we have come up with some agreements.

That does make sense and I completely understand, thank you for giving me that look on things, I've never thought about that way before.

I've come to realise that a lot of the problems that crop up are non-existent until I imagine they are, so from now I'm going to try and not get jealous as easily, and I'll try not to overthink things as much - that't what MY problem is.