Triggering (Grieving): Girlfriend's mom passing soon

[Adalia Rose]

I haven't really posted in a while. I just need to get my feelings out there though because I can't see my counselor for 3 weeks and life got stressful.

My girlfriends mother has had cirrhosis of the liver for a few years. We've all expected her to pass at any moment and were amazed that she continued living and functioning despite the fact that she refused to give up drinking alcohol.

She's recently been put on Hospice. She's gotten really bad. Her eyes don't spark anymore. When she's trying to be enthusiastic about the presents my girlfriend brings her, she just looks like the tiny sentence saying she loves the present drains all of the energy out of her. She normally reacts like a kid in a candy store (literally. The cirrhosis has made her have more of a toddler mentality over the years).

Her mother has been having seizures according to her hospice nurse (we live an hour away from her mother. We are both college students. We don't have our own car because we live in a city and our school pays for us to use the bus. My point is, we don't get to visit very often. I think our visits average about once a month; we are currently in our hometown. I'm at my mother's house babysitting my niece; My girlfriend is with her mother. I will be joining her after my mother gets home). He explained there are different types of seizures. The type her mother is having involves just randomly stopping breathing; there is no convulsing. She had a seizure last week and the nurse resuscitated her. Her mother signed a DNR last night. The nurse said what is going to kill her is one of those seizures so she will be passing soon. Her urine is also black.

I am sad that she's going to be passing. I'm not sure if my girlfriend will be able to handle it. We both have mental health problems that we are still trying to find the best treatment plan for.

I've also had 3 deaths of people I was close to in the past 6 months. It feels like I just can't catch a break. I love my girlfriends mother.

On top of this situation, my girlfriend decided to stop being friends with her best friend of 7 years. It was coming for a while because she treats my girlfriend badly, but I feel like this is super bad timing. Her ex-best friend(?) and her girlfriend (she has to get involved; she can't just let her girlfriend fight her own battles) also proceeded to blame me for everything. So, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. Logically, I know they're using me as an excuse for being horrible people and they're trying to drive a wedge between my girlfriend and I, but I cannot get the other half of my brain to understand that. (One of my mental health problems tells me that I am an inconsiderate jerk to other people and that everyone hates me for it.)

I know this post is all over the place and I'm sorry for that. But thank you to whoever reads this. I hope you are having a good day; if you aren't, I hope it gets better!

[Dawn.]

Hello Adalia Rose,

I'm really sorry to hear of your girlfriends mothers passing as well as the other 3 deaths.

I understand that it can be hard to lose those that are close to you.

My condolences to you, your girlfriend and her family.

I'm only a message away if you need anything.

[hocus pocus]

I am really sorry to hear about this. I know hospice is difficult, because watching someone you love slowly die is an emotionally draining process.

Limited visits must be hard and I'm sure you wish you could visit more. Just remember that you're doing all you can and I'm sure your girlfriend's mom appreciates your kindness, even if she is too ill to express it right now.

Your sadness is completely understandable. I think it's important for you to let yourself feel what you're feeling, and get it out of your system. Try not to keep it inside. You've lost a lot of people recently and that feeling of not being able to breathe between losing someone must be intense. I do hope that things eventually begin to cool down for you and your girlfriend so you can both begin to heal from this.

It can be really hard in between sessions sometimes. Are you allowed to contact your counselor out of session? Some counselors allow that, and if you're able to, I think you should take advantage of it. You might be able to call the office and see if you can get put on the cancellation list so you can get an early appointment if someone cancels. In the meantime, it might help to type things out as though you're writing to your counselor.

I agree with you in that the friendship stuff your girlfriend is going through is also bad timing. I'm glad you know the end of that friendship is not your fault, despite not always feeling that way. It might help to keep reminding yourself of that to kind of drill it in your head.

I hope you and your girlfriend are hanging in there.