Supporting boyfriend who experienced extreme childhood abuse?

[leighmarie]

My boyfriend, whom i've known basically since the abuse started (i swung in when he was eleven, he was ten when it started) is now out of his situation. He's almost seventeen, as well am I. I don't know very much, except he pushes it away so much. He doesnt let himself think of it. I asked him about it, and he gave me some details. It was pretty bad, and as someone who's known him a very very long time, it hurts me. I just want to know how to help him. He was physically abused by his father, his dad would padlock the fridge so he couldnt eat, Andrew (my boyfriend) would come to school in middle school with long sleeves covering bruises and ace bandages for makeshift treatment of sprains. He was so scared until recently. His dad beat him so bad, he was hurting for weeks after. During this incident, he told me he gave up. He quit. He was going to let his dad kill him. His stepmom stepped in and stopped his dad from killing him. He was choking him. He ended up leaving and going to live with his mom, and that scared him too, because when he was about twelve, he went there, and then a babysitter his mom hired sexually abused him and raped his little brother. He never has told anyone that the man abused him too, even though they asked. He feels like he needs to protect his mom.

I just need to know how to help him. I'm honestly clueless. I've suffered emotional/sexual abuse, neglect, and rape as well, but i never dealt with much physical abuse. I just dont know how to support him, or what to say when he gets down. He gets so down. He worries so bad about me he refuses to worry about himself. it kills me. He wont go to counseling, not right now. We agreed that when he was eighteen that i'd go with him, cause he doesnt want to go alone. But i'm afraid it'll be too late then..

[hocus pocus]

Seeking help is something your boyfriend has to do when he is ready and I am glad you offered to go to counseling with him for extra support. Counseling does help for a lot of people. In the meantime, encourage him to find some outlets and ask him to talk about what he's been through. Maybe you can encourage him to journal or blog about his abuse because just getting it out helps a lot more than you'd think. Keeping it inside is unhealthy and talking about his experiences and getting validation will help him begin to accept it.

I think just letting him know you're around if he needs anything will help a lot. It also helps if you're there just to hang out. You don't necessarily need to talk about his past. You can talk about anything or do anything because your presence will help him.

[leighmarie]

Originally Posted by Cassado

Seeking help is something your boyfriend has to do when he is ready and I am glad you offered to go to counseling with him for extra support. Counseling does help for a lot of people. In the meantime, encourage him to find some outlets and ask him to talk about what he's been through. Maybe you can encourage him to journal or blog about his abuse because just getting it out helps a lot more than you'd think. Keeping it inside is unhealthy and talking about his experiences and getting validation will help him begin to accept it.

I think just letting him know you're around if he needs anything will help a lot. It also helps if you're there just to hang out. You don't necessarily need to talk about his past. You can talk about anything or do anything because your presence will help him.

I try to hang around him a lot but his mom is super disliking of me, it's just bad blood stuff. She wanted my dad, my dad didnt want her, she's bitter. It's complicated. He's essentially grounded because he's with me, so our main form of communication is via letters, but some weekends he gets his stuff so he can play games and lowkey talk to me. I'm definitely holding him to the counseling. He says I help him, by being around him. It makes me happy that I do but theres just so much time when I cant be around him because of his mom and its frustrating.

[hocus pocus]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation between your dad and his mom. That's unfortunate and it's no excuse for her to treat you badly. I can definitely see your frustration. Does he have internet access? Maybe you can show him TeenHelp and talk to him here or Skype with him.