Is my boyfriend's behaviour normal?

[Chevalelena]

Is my boyfriend’s behaviour normal?

He cheated on me about 8 months ago with my best friend. When he told me three months after it happened, I stood up to leave him and leave his house. He fell to his knees and grabbed my legs and cried, telling me he had cancer and that his dad beat him until I felt so bad I told him we could make things work again. I am convinced by now that he does not have cancer at all.

He has never physically hit me. Once he punched a wall beside my face so hard that his knuckles broke and once he roughly pulled me back after I wanted to leave during an argument. He said he would never hit a girl, but his ex-girlfriend told me he almost hit her once.

Our arguments keep getting worse. In the beginning, he used to hold back and try to solve the situation. Now he hurls a bunch of spiteful, hurtful words at me and each time, he raises his voice more than before. And afterwards he tells me that he is so hurt, but that he will never stop trying. Then he says that even though it is my fault because I hurt him, he will make a change. He apologizes and becomes very affectionate, telling me he needs me and loves me.
He tells me I need to tell him when something is wrong immediately. But when I complain about anything, no matter how calmly I do it, he sits down and dejectedly tells me how much that hurts him when he always does something wrong and that he feels like such a failure and that he was just trying to hold on tightly and to love me, but that he guesses he can’t even get that right. I’m not sure if that is a form of manipulative behavior or guilt tripping, but afterwards I always feel like I’m the problem.

His ex and him had a complicated relationship. He always made her look like the problem, like she was the crazy, toxic one. But I talked to her in recent days because she noticed that I was facing similar problems as her. We compared our relationships and noticed many similarities. He would guilt trip both of us after arguments, tell us we are all he has and treat us like queens when everything is fine. He even proposed to her the same way he proposed to me. When I look at how their relationship went, I wonder if ours is going down the same road. She broke up with him, but he guilt-tripped her into getting back together. Then he found another source that could comfort him and make him feel loved (me) and dropped her like a hot potato. I know he might as do the same with me, but he promises he won’t.

He moves so fast. He told me he loved me on our first date. Within five months, he forged me a ring and proposed to me. He showered me with affection in the past: he painted me things and gave me valuable family artifacts.

He always tries to twist the words I said into the words he interpreted. After every crisis he tells me that I treat him like an option, even though he can’t produce any evidence to back his statement. He says he sacrifices so much more than me.

His words and his actions often don’t correspond, but when I try to point it out he accuses me of not trusting him and ignoring all the good things he has done for me. When I tell him that I do not trust him because he cheated on me, he calls me unreasonable of bringing up something that was 5 months ago and that he has ‘more than made up since’.

He always tells me that I am all he has. But I know that that’s not true. As soon as I’m out of town, he has twenty friends over, girls and boys. He keeps a very close relationship with one girl and two boys I think. And he brags about the girl to his friends and often compares me to her. At his wish, I have given up quite a bunch of my hobbies and friendships. Boys that I used to be friends with don’t talk to me anymore. I know that he ‘talked’ to some of them. He is a boxer and has a bigger build than all the other boys I know. He always tells me that he wishes me to have good friendships, but then he takes up all my time in school and I hardly see even my girl friends. Once, when I asked for space, he turned the situation back on me and told me how much he was hurt that I didn’t want to see him anymore. He distanced himself from me completely then.

Everyone tells me I need to get out of the relationship. I don’t know why. Is his behaviour normal?

[Eternal]

He cheated on me about 8 months ago with my best friend.

He fell to his knees and grabbed my legs and cried, telling me he had cancer and that his dad beat him until I felt so bad I told him we could make things work again. I am convinced by now that he does not have cancer at all.

Now he hurls a bunch of spiteful, hurtful words at me and each time, he raises his voice more than before.

Then he says that even though it is my fault because I hurt him, he will make a change.

This was all just in the first half of your post. Your boyfriend has been lying to you about pretty major things such as cancer, won't admit when he does anything wrong, and is very manipulative. These are all red flags of an abusive relationship, and I agree that you need to leave. Why would you want to stay with someone who puts you down and almost hits you when you can find someone who will treat you with respect? And I think you know that, this whole post was pointing out his flaws and the bad parts of your relationship. I did not see much good things said about him at all. This behavior is definitely not normal, and it seems you may have been with him for a long time but that doesn't mean you have to stay. I highly recommend leaving and blocking him on all forms of social media. After all, you talked to his ex and he did all the exact same things to her and she finally left. You really should do the same and get your friends and hobbies back so you can be your own person again, and I promise you'll feel a lot better.
You should check out loveisrespect, it has a lot of good information about abusive relationships and some helpful resources.

[Forging Galaxies]

I highly agree with Eumoirous, your boyfriend is far too toxic to be near any girl. Excuse my language but he's a bastard, plain and simple as that.
His behavior is vile and he simply got no love and respect for you.
I advise you to leave him, seriously.

I know these kind of men, they use any means necessary to be manipulative against you to gain what he wants from you. So he's simply using you, there's no love and respect in that.

I hope you'll do the right thing here.

I'd like to point you to the link listed below:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

The link describes the cycle of abuse in relationships. Several of your boyfriend's behaviors you have listed fit the profile for an abuser. From the sound of it your boyfriend's behavior hurts you and leaves you feeling worse about yourself rather than better. He promises good things but his actions say otherwise. He either blames you for everything or says he is a failure in order to get you to stay. He lied to you and manipulated you. He dismisses your concerns and feelings. These are not loving, positive actions in a relationship; they are hurtful and destructive. I agree with the people in your life: you need to get out. The choice, of course, is yours, but it seems this relationship seems to be doing you more harm than good. I highly suggest you reconsider whether you stay or not.

[TheTameLion]

No, he sucks. Leave.

[Haunted]

his behaviour is not okay at all, and from what you've written it sounds like this relationship is far from healthy. He's being manipulative and abusive towards you. Maybe you can handle it right now, but I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. If I were you, I'd leave him. Do you have any close friends/relatives? Maybe they can help you through this, as leaving him might be a quite hard thing to do for you.

Relationships can overcome pretty much everything except abuse. His behavior seems abusive. I would suggest that you leave him as soon as possible. Don't continue putting up with this behavior. I know leaving someone can be hard but at the end of the day you physical and mental well-being are the most important thing.

[xcloudymindx]

As all of the above have already flagged out, this relationship is an abusive one, and extremely unhealthy for you.

The thing is - when your in this situation, you kind of become immune to it, like you know its happening, you feel it happening, but you block it out with the 'affection' he's used against you; to keep him right where he wants you 'needy' and 'un-capable' of leaving him. You feel like you can't leave, either under threat, or you just cant be without him. 8 months is a long time. Especially if he's your first 'love' - You kinda don't wanna let all that time slip, and you try to hope "If I hang on a little longer - maybe he will realize and improve" those thoughts, that keep you dragging along with his schemes. But you are worthy of more than he is putting you through. No women deserves any abuse/nor male) even if its not physical, mental abuse can damage you just as much, its a very painful thing to go through, get through, and get out of.

All those lies are disgusting especially the cancer one - its sickening he's going to those measures. If anything, he needs help himself!

I'm not good with advice but I feel you, and I hear you.

I've just been through similar to you, for 2 years from 15 to now 17. & I never thought I'd get out of any of it. I loved him far to much to realized what harm he's done to me, it kills inside now that I see clearly. But believe me when I say; you are strong! You can get a move on with life and leave him behind! You can do it!

It's only week 3? Since I've ended my ex, (I was distant for a month, seeking interest in another guy) and the thing is: He destroyed my friendships, my closest relationship with my special best friend - I love my girl to utter bits, and he almost dragged that away completely for wanting me to himself. But I got lucky, she was willing to understand! She held on even though she hated me with him; and I spoke to her, spent some days with her, and same with my other best friend he tried taking of 13yrs, I chilled with her - and I realized in those moments; it's them I need - not him. & They've pulled me along, its still early days, and I can't deny how empty and sad I have been, but it's a relief, I can re-build everything and I have people who care about me and love me, and respect me. I chose my friends when he made me decide; you will ALWAYS need your friends and I think you should arrange a sleep over with yours and literally talk all of this out to them; even his ex like you have done, you two seem pretty close, and she'll understand you more because she faced him to!

You can find someone who will appreciate you. I've met a guy, and it's all early and fresh but he's seen some of the worse sides already, listened, my ex exposed pictures of me to him, and he's stuck by me still. I thought i'd never meet anyone ever again, but I have, and I'm happy about that, and it's just the case of getting through in steps that you can bare. Its totally your decision if you end him or not, and I know coming to terms and facing that you are in an abusive relationship can be alarming, and a shock, it still hasn't hit me yet, but you can reach out for help and get yourself some support. Its just finding your feet and gaining the security to face all of these things.

If you ever wanna message you can? I know I'm rubbish with advice, but I took 2yrs of similar to what you've described, and sometimes having a connection can really help to know your not alone and just help you to feel stronger about situations.

Please stay safe! <3 xx