My boyfriend cheated on me

[Awakening]

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and we moved in together about a month ago. The first part of our relationship was a little rocky. We met online and decided to meet up, and after doing so I knew almost right away that I was interested in him. But only a couple weeks after this my living situation got complicated, and I was forced to move a few hours away. I was so scared that things wouldn't work out since we had just met, and I couldn't drive so it would be very difficult to see each other, but he spent so much time and money coming to see me and trying to make it work. Somehow, amazingly, we get through that and had soo many good times together, and ended up moving in together.

Since moving in together things have been great for the most part, aside from a few arguments regarding our financial situation and things like that. But I was convinced everything was great. A little over a week ago, though, I logged onto my boyfriend's computer where he had left up his email account and I noticed some messages from a dating website. Turns out he had been messaging many different girls, sending them sexual messages and asking to meet up, saying "He couldn't meet in the evenings but could meet during his lunch break," and inviting one girl over to our new apartment before I had moved in. I was obviously really upset about this and confronted him about it right away. He told me that he was sending these messages more out of boredom than actually wanting to be with these girls. He told me that he had not met up with any of them. I messaged the girls he had been in contact with and I do believe that this much is true. None of them said anything about meeting up with him. But he did tell me that earlier on in our relationship, after I had went on a trip with him to spend Christmas with him and his family, he went to a party with friends, got really drunk, and had oral sex with another girl.

He told me all of this through messaging while he was at work, and when he came home he was visibly upset and obviously very very apologetic. I told him that I forgave him, and for the most part I do. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I can't overlook the amount of things that he has done for me. He helped me move out of a bad living situation only a week after I had met him. He paid for the apartment that we are in completely on his own because I was in yet another bad living situation but could not afford to do anything about it. He was my rock through the most difficult year of my life, and that outweighs any bad thing that he could have done. It was really never a question whether or not I would forgive him. He is still an amazing person to me, and I feel that I love him unconditionally.

But even though I feel that I have forgiven him, it still hurts in other ways. When we go out somewhere and there happens to be an attractive girl I get really insecure and feel like he wishes he could be with her instead of me. I feel uncomfortable not wearing makeup in front of him. I feel like he must not find me sexy. I have been feeling very depressed, and even when good things happen (I was hired into a new job today!) I am not fully happy, like there is just this weight over me. The anger and feeling of betrayal has faded away a little bit, but there's just still this awful hurt that remains. And I'm kind of scared that it won't go away, that I will never fully trust him again or fully recover from this.

I'm sorry this is really long and rambling, but I was hoping that someone might have experienced something similar and could give me some insight on how to deal with this. I truly love my relationship and I don't want this to have to harm it too badly. I can't imagine loving someone else this much and I would honestly do anything to make this work. I used to feel like our relationship was so perfect and that nothing could hurt it too badly, and now it just feels like this really fragile thing, and I want to feel the way that I used to. I really really appreciate any advice you can give.

[Kindred]

Hey,

First of all, I want to say good on you for making the decision to forgive him. Forgiving after betrayal of any kind is by no means easy, so good on you for being willing to do what you can to save the relationship. What I will say is this is a two way process; he has to be willing to work to fix this relationship just as much if not more than you are. You mention he's being apologetic, which is a good sign, and I'm sure he already knows this, but I thought I'd just mention it to be sure.

I've been in a similar situation a few times and so I'll draw on that. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, there's been multiple times in my relationship where I've felt betrayed but I've wanted to work through it and it's been by no means easy. It will take time, and you need to understand that throughout this process, you are entitled to feel however you feel at that moment. Don't try to talk yourself down by saying "I shouldn't be upset because of x" or "I should be over this by now" or anything like that. Feel the pain. It sounds horrible, and it is. You'll be feeling awful right now, but the important thing is that it will pass- if you work through it. I know you probably already have, but make sure you talk about this with your partner repeatedly, as many times as you need to. It'll help you get over it that little bit faster. Even months from now, if something comes up that you want to say to him, tell him. I wouldn't advise being nasty about it. I wanted to call my boyfriend every name under the sun, and for the first few days I did. I don't think it helped, to be honest. Tell him how you feel, not how you think of him. Chances are your mood will swing rapidly regarding this. One minute you'll be fine, the next it'll hit you. And that's okay, it might be like that for a while. Keep busy, but don't push away those feelings too often. You need to feel the pain in order to heal, and it will go away eventually. You can get through this.

You've said he shows remorse for this and that's a good sign- it would be a warning bell if he did not. Whatever you think will help fix the relationship, discuss it. Trust has been broken here and that needs to be rebuilt. Focus on spending some quality time together. Following a betrayal this helped me remember why I was with this boy. I live with my partner too, but I found a lot of the time when I'm sitting relaxing at home I don't feel like I'm spending time with him. Set aside some quality time, just for you two. Date nights, cooking a meal for each other- go back to basics, "date" again. You say you feel unsexy- make him show you how damn attractive you are. Treat yourself gently for a while, too. This is going to hurt, and now is the time to spend some time working on you, as well as your relationship.

I'm studying psychology at university, and although I don't like bringing it into advice, I thought I would mention one thing: research suggests the part of the brain responsible for falling in love, lust, desire, wanting to start a relationship with someone- whatever- is a different part to the part that is IN love. Just because he did what he did doesn't mean he didn't love you. Obviously this doesn't excuse what he did, but I just thought I'd mention it- it helped me a little.

I really hope you're doing okay- message me anytime. I know how hard it can be one bad days when you can't stop thinking about it.

Best of luck,

Laura