Boyfriend... Another guy... his girlfriend

[xcloudymindx]

I just wanna type this little ramble to get it off my chest.

I'm literally so mixed up about feelings these days, if anyone read my previous post in this category (Love my boyfriend... attracted to another guy?) you'll already know that the relationship I'm in is unhealthy.

I'm just in this really difficult rut, and it's like the hole is getting deeper. I can't decide what I want anymore, I love my boyfriend I really do, but I keep thinking is it 'in love' or just fear of never finding anyone because I'm super unattractive and been with my bf upcoming 2yrs - who put's me through some very horrible times but then treats me amazingly after.

This only mostly started when I went on to college and there's one lad out of 14 girls on the course, and I was instantly attracted to him.

But he asked a girl out 3rd week, she said no. Then yeah. then dumped him after 2 days. I was fair taken aback for some reason - it bothered me.

So then we keep making eye contact & i kinda just push away, my anxiety beats me up like crazy. I've small talk to him, asking about his dog and horses and things like that. And joking around saying he was taking drugs cause he was taking paracetamol (If the word isn't allowed then medication for his foot injury?) Then spoke some more on way to my bus stop.
'
But then there's a girl friends with him Kayla, and > Ally is who he 'fancies'.

But Kayla and Ally keep falling out, and Kayla fancies him so now Ally has suddenly decided to go back with him.

He rang her today and Ally answered saying "Be quick little druggie" ?? I don't get it at all - She overheard me other day messing around, then finds out Kayla fancies him & Then decides to go back with him and then calls him after what i was calling him ...surely he'd have had to explain "why" i had been calling him that to her?

I really shouldn't care but I'm just so mad and I have no idea why its bothering me so much! Today they was a trip, i didn't go, but he did, and literally he's been on my mind all day, wtf is that all about... It's as if i missed seeing him! And i can't bloody wait until Monday to see him.... :L

I feel awful both ways and atm i don't want him knowing I'm taken - which is also extremely selfish and wrong of me, but i need to just think into all this. Is 2yrs worth giving up over something that will probably never happen...

I was thinking like this a few month ago before college cause my bf been treating me so horribly and all i could think is if he broke up with me i'd have the need to jump into a new relationship asap or ...sleep around. < Pathetic but it feels right in mind frame, everything is becoming nightmares.

I'm not sure if this could because my relationship has died down its spark, he never asks how i am anymore, how my days have been, asks what I'm up to, doesn't send sweet messages back when i send them he just says "whatever" or "ok", he doesn't say he misses me, he nags for photos (rude) and so many things, could this be toying my emotions? Or causing me to crave for affection or something more heated?

I'm now just feeling like crap because their back together and it's like i cant sort myself out... its a real messy situation inside my head, my heart is crippling into pieces of confusion and its actually aches to know either way I'm just gonna be hurt...

Sighs, just needed to get this out or something

[Thereishope]

In my opinion it might be best to cut all contact with him. (as some have mentioned in your previous thread about this) Also it might be best to just lay low for a while and get yourself sorted out before attempting to get into another relationship.