My boyfriend and I

I'm on my phone so if there are mistakes forgive me.

My relationship is difficult right now. My boyfriend is pressed for time. He's gone from his house M-Th 530am to about 530pm. Fridays he goes to his parents and has to wake up just ad early and gets home at random times. He's exhausted all the time and stressed out constantly. Its impacting us or me. It's kind of embarassing to say but he never wants to have sex and that bothers me. We haven't had sex in about two months and it bothers me. I've never wanted to have sex with someone like I do him. I've been attracted to people and thought about sex but I was never able to initiate anything. I want sex with him but it's not happening. I feel so shallow for being upset about this but it feels like all the romance and desire has gone from our relationship. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me in that way. He tells me all the time that isn't the case but its hard to get him to do much of anything. I've talked to him about my desire to have sex. Told him about my desire to be more physical in general. He's tried working on it. He initiated contact more the last time we hung out and it was nice.

I've stopped initiating sex because I got turned down a few times and that's never fun. It's kind of discouraging. I asked him to tell me when he wants to have sex but since that conversation there has been absolutely nothing.

I know sex isn't the most important thing but I do desire it. I love his companionship and when we are together I feel pretty happy.

He keeps saying when he isn't stressed with school or his meds kick in it will get better. I want to believe that but it's hard because he never wants to do anything. It's a big changes from when we first started dating so I really do think that it's stress. But, life is always gonna be stressful.

I don't really know how to work through it. I'm willing to but its hard when it feels like someone doesn't desire you anymore. I talk to him about it and get told to give it time. He'll be done with school soon. But, sometimes I feel lonely. I don't know how to explain it. This relationship is worth fighting for. He's a great guy and I could see us having, potentially, a future. I just don't want this to be a constant issue.

I never really thought lack of sex would be an issue for me. I've gone without it for years. I don't need it but I want it but that want isn't being met.

Sometimes I feel unhappy with the way things are but I'm hopeful it will get better. There really is no way to solve this. I just have to give it time and hope for the best.

I don't know what else to say to my boyfriend. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse by mentioning sex and other things. He's trying and I'm thankful for that but I feel undesired or wanted right now. And, I'm worried this will always be an issue. I want us to have a healthy sex life but I have no idea how to get there.

And, this is the most embarassing post I've ever made. I don't really think there is any advice anyone can give but I needed to get this out somewhere. Don't feel too good about talking to my friends about this. I don't think they'd give the best advice.

[Moyshi]

Hey there,

Sorry this reply is a few days late, I just saw this thread and didn't want to let it go unanswered! Not sure if my advice will be any good, but I thought i'd give it a go anyways.

First off, there's no need to be embarrassed about this post! It's completely normal to want a healthy sex life and to be concerned when things have suddenly changed. Second, I don't think you're shallow for wanting sex. For most people, a healthy sex life with a partner is a very important component when it comes to a relationship. I think it's great that you feel confident and comfortable enough in your relationship to bring up your concerns about the lack of physical contact/sex. Communication is really important when it comes to working through any sort of issue. And I completely understand your point of view on this situation right now.

This is tough to deal with. I know you're already showing patience with him and trying to be understanding to his situation. I'm sure he appreciates that. Constant high levels of stress really is a mood killer. And unless he finds a healthy way to maybe channel that stress, things may not change much. My advice would be to talk to him about trying to find ways to deal with the stress he's feeling and to let him know you're there to support him and be there for him when he needs you. In terms of him being exhausted, maybe suggest that he start focusing on creating a new sleep routine if he doesn't already have one. I would say try to focus on helping him come up with a plan to help fix the main reasons why he may not be physically or mentally able to engage in physical activities right now.

Another bit of advice would be to try and re-frame this situation. Because it's not that he doesn't desire you. This current lack of a sex drive is about him. Try not to worry about this too much, and again, be open with him and talk to him about your worries if it does get to be too much. I'm sure he'll be able to reassure you that this has nothing to do with a lack of attraction for you.

Sounds like you're really committed to your relationship and that you're happy being with him. It's great that you're trying really hard to be empathetic to how he's feeling right now. Like you said, even though it's frustrating, time and communication are your best bets right now. Hopefully his situation will get better (either his busy schedule changes or he finds healthy ways to cope with his stress) and that he gets to the point where he's able to meet your needs relationship wise and physically.

Hope this helped a bit. Take care! :]

Firstly I want to say thank you for responding it really did mean a lot.

I talk to my boyfriend about this too much and it isn't healthy. I know I do so I've told him I would try and stop but it's like the lack of physical contact brings up a lot of questions and I have no one else to talk to about it and, half the time he is the only person that can answer the questions I have. I just don't want to push him away by talking to him about it too much and there really isn't much more that he can offer other than he doesn't want it to be like this it's just his issues.

I've tried talking to him about his issues and explaining that a lot of the things he is worrying about are things he doesn't need to worry about. That doesn't help. I don't really know what kind of things he can do to not stress. He, finally, completed all his homework for the session so that's one stressful thing out of the way. However, he has a lot of things he has to get done in class and I am pretty sure he is kind of behind. I know he is stressing about that even though he won't tell me.

These aren't things that can be solved. He says that when he gets done with school and is in his externship things will improve but I am having a hard time believing that which is one of the reasons I find myself obsessing over it.

I don't really know any healthy ways to handle stress so I can't be of any help. There really isn't anything that works to help me manage my stress. It just doesn't effect my desire to have sex.

His sleeping isn't something he can change. When he started school he talked about wanting to go to bed at around 9pm because of how early he wakes up but that didn't happen. He didn't sleep all night last night and he is taking a medicine that is supposed to help with sleeping.

I think that's another thing that is frustrating about this situation because there really is nothing I can do to help him. He just has to work through this on his own and there are no guarantees of when that will happen.

I honestly don't feel like I am being that patient and I still feel bad/shallow for being bothered by this. I think the main issue we are having right now is the lack of sex. We communicate great although I worry that I am going to drive him away with how much I talk about things/confide in him. We get along well. We just kind of connect. But, there is this elephant in the room. It's an issue, we both know it's an issue but neither of us know how to solve it. His constant thing is getting done with school. But, if this is how he handles stress, by shutting everything off, there are no guarantees that it will be resolved and that's why it turns complicated.

[Kindred]

Don't feel shallow. This is a perfectly valid concern

I can empathize with him: when I'm stressed, or worried, or even the teensiest bit upset it can be really, really difficult for me to get in the mood. I can even want sex (I'm very physically attracted to my partner, that's not the problem) but when I initiate my body just goes...nope. It probably has nothing to do with you, and although seeking reassurance can in the short term work, the feelings probably won't go away until you yourself believe that. It's a perfectly understandable way to feel and it can be really hard to get over. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things go when he's under less stress.

Distract yourself when the feelings get too hard. It should pass my lovely <3