Boyfriend said he feels like a therapist or caregiver sometimes?

[daintypetal]

Hey all,

Long story short my boyfriend and I got into a heated conversation last night. In that conversation he said that sometimes he feels like a therapist/care giver to me more than a boyfriend. I mean.. I can understand that.. My depression and anxiety is a HUGE factor in our relationship. Sometimes it feels like it's a third person, just ruining everything. Now I don't know what I could do to make him not feel this way? It hurt me, but he said it was his honest feelings (and he never wanted to tell me that in the first place but it came out.)

So my question is, has anyone else ever faced this issue? What did you do? And if you haven't, what would you do if you were me? Stop telling him some of my issues? Stop being so open and hide my feelings? I'm so confused.

(P.s sorry for any typos I'm on my phone.)

[Amandaapandaa]

Hey,

Yes I can. I've heavily depended on a boy for the past few months that we've known each other and I can honestly say that he is also my therapist, too. But his feelings towards it is quite the opposite. He actually likes to be there for me (which is a first for me).

If I were you, I think I would just openly tell him or that you plan on limiting how much you tell him about your depression and anxiety and work from there and see if it makes him feel more relaxed. It may just backfire and he might decide that he was overreacting and he would end up missing hearing what's going on with you mentally and emotionally. I'm not saying close him out entirely, I'm just saying to try that for a week or so and see if he feels more at ease with it. If he does, maybe you could just confide in your therapist (if you have one) or a close friend that you know you can trust with what you tell them.

I hope I helped a little bit and I hope things go better in your relationship. I hate to see relationships end.

I'm always here if you need me,

~A

[Always *]

I've experienced this from the other side with one or two friends, both of whom had significant mental health problems and their personal/social lives fueled it. I can totally understand how your boyfriend might be feeling, because when you care about a person, you don't want to make them feel like they can't talk to you or that you don't care (he likely cares A LOT!) but constantly having to take the burden of someone else's problems can begin to wear on you and cause a lot of stress of your own.

I feel like (based on experience) the solution isn't to just stop telling him stuff, but if your mental health is starting to interfere with your everyday life, then maybe it is time for you to see a therapist. Lets say you're having to talk about it every day, you guys can't go anywhere cause you're to "sick" to want to go out (and by "sick" I mean "insert symptoms of depression / anxiety"). It'll likely become a lot easier if you're able to address what you're dealing with and begin treating it. That way you're getting the outlet you need and your boyfriend doesn't have to carry the burden.

I know therapy can be expensive, but it might be covered by your insurance and sometimes it'll be covered for a much reduced cost (if not free) for minors.

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey Isabel,

I think it is natural to vent about our issues and our problems to our partners, it's only natural to want to lean on the person you are with for support. I think you should still be honest with your boyfriend about the way you're feeling.
Maybe you could consider also seeing a professional as well. It's good that you look to your boyfriend for support but maybe there are times where he feels like he is not able to offer any good advice. Having a therapist or a counsellor could help you to be able to vent to someone who is outside of your life and can give you an outside opinion and it's also someone who is there for the purpose of helping you.

Communicate with your boyfriend and see how he feels about you speaking to him, maybe he feels like you look to him a little too much for support. If you have friends to speak to then maybe you could also speak to them for some advice.

Best of luck,
Paige

I've actually faced this issue, not just in my romantic relationship but also in my family relationships and with my friends. I used to have severe depression and self-harmed a lot. My therapist told me that I had become what's called the IP- the Identified Patient. When I was depressed people felt like they had to crowd in and support me or rescue me from myself. This took a toll on them and eventually it can cause conflict in those relationships when the other person has difficulty always being in the caretaker roll.

Honestly what helped me was owning my emotions. I realized that I had difficulty facing my emotions and that I was taking them to other people to "fix" them or to give me reassurance or to make me less depressed. Some reassurance is fine, but it's important to be able to process your own emotions, find ways to cope, and give/show yourself reassurance and compassion. These can be hard skills to learn but they are possible. Working with a therapist on these skills can be incredibly beneficial, and therapy is often helpful for people with mental health issues. A therapist would also be a third party who could help you talk about things with someone other than your boyfriend.

It's okay to be open with your emotions. Being open with your emotions is very important. However, there's a difference between being open with your emotions and asking others to solve your problems or make you feel better. Let me be clear, I am not saying this is what you do, but this is something I have often observed in myself and in others, so it's pretty common. It's okay to ask for help, but I would begin to differentiate the times when you REALLY need help and when you can handle it yourself. Maybe you could start by handling small crises on your own. Instead of automatically going to your boyfriend, you could instead try to use therapy skills to handle your depression before turning to others.

You could also phrase the way you say things differently. Instead of saying "I'm depressed, help me," you could say "I want you to know I'm feeling depressed right now and I'm trying to handle it on my own, but right now I'm really struggling. Could you maybe suggest a skill I can use to be more effective at managing this?" That way you do ask for help, but you ask for them to help you help yourself. It shows responsibility for your emotions.