I don't feel good enough for my boyfriend

[Wings]

I have always struggled with a low self-esteem, this is my first relationship and it is the reason why I haven't dated until this point. I am no longer in high school so I was hoping that I would've outgrown my insecurities by now. This hasn't been the case though. I am considering whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend. I don't really think it's fair that he should have to deal with my lack confidence. I feel incapable of giving him a loving relationship because I am too distant and fearful.

We have been dating for a while now and I still feel unable to maintain eye contact with him for very long because of my shyness. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and, until now, I have been pretty much isolated from other people. I would like to have physical closeness with him but I become so nervous that it's uncomfortable for me. I know that we should be having sex by now but I don't think I am attractive enough to let him see me undressed and I would be so inexperienced that I'd probably make a bad partner.

While I desire sexual relationships, the idea of being rejected is crippling. I start trembling and blushing, the fear is so intense that I always distance myself physically from him. I don't know why I fear it so much but the low self-esteem only leads me to believe it is inevitable he will reject me if we become too close. I really like him as a person, we have a lot of fun together and were friends for a while before this. I don't want to break up with him as I fear that I might regret it but, despite my longing for close relationships, I don't feel capable of giving him that and it isn't fair to keep him at arms length.

I have talked to him a little about all this but he really doesn't know how to help and many people don't so I understand. I feel very trapped in my current situation. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

It sounds like you're projecting a lot of your own fears onto your boyfriend. Based on your post your boyfriend has not expressed any feelings of dissatisfaction. Relationships are built on trust, and you need to trust that your boyfriend is capable of deciding if he is happy in this relationship or not. It's not your place to break up with him just because you don't think he's getting out of it what he "should" get out of it. That's just your insecurities talking. If you act on them and break up with him you are going to end up in a relationship cycle- you get with someone but your insecurities get the best of you so you break up with them, which reinforces the idea that you don't deserve to be with anybody, and on and on it goes.

Let your boyfriend decide if he is happy or not. If he hasn't expressed any issues, then I don't think you need to be concerned about things. Your insecurities may resolve themselves in time between building trust with your boyfriend and doing some personal work on addressing your insecurities, perhaps with a therapist.