Non-PG13: My boyfriend is sexually irresponsible.

[LANIKA]

Hi, alright so -- I made this account several years ago specifically to discuss an issue I was having. I really didn't post much after, and eventually stopped logging on all together. It was another problem that brought me here again, initially, but I went through my posts to reminisce and am beginning to understand that I ignored valuable advice given to me and never actually fixed the problem I was dealing with then.

Alright, so . . . Last month, on memorial day, my boyfriend and I had vaginal intercourse for the first time. We had been engaging in manual and oral sex before that, so it wasn't really a very big landmark in our relationship; except that, I'm now eight days late for my period.

At the time it seemed so unlikely that there was any chance at all I could get knocked up; See, my boyfriend? He's kind of sexually. . . Impaired, I would say. Well, that's a bit unfair. Alright, well; he can't ejaculate during sex of any kind other than masturbation with stimulating videos. So I thought we would be fine. I know that pre-cum can carry sperm, but it's usually really rare that it does. And to add to that, we used a condom.

It really does seem like it's all in my head, just by reading that, but, I'm not so sure. . . See. It turns out I was likely to be ovulating on the day we first did it. Added to that, the condom kept slipping - not completely off, but, it slipped quite a bit a few times. And after taking the condom off it was evident that there was pre-cum left behind. I still didn't think much of it, until a few days ago when I noticed my period was late. I mean, it's always a little irregular, but it's never off by more than two or three days. Not always spot on but . . . Right around that.

Now . . . I'm freaking out right now. I can't really say that I would make a good mother; and neither would he as a father. I've told him about it and asked him if he would help me out if I decided to keep it, he said he would "try." He didn't sound very convincing, though. That's fine. I don't plan on keeping it, if I do have to carry it then I will give it up to adoption. However I would really prefer not to have that happen; an abortion would be the best option for me. I have an eating disorder, and pregnancy messes with the heads of those sufferers. My mental health would be even worse than it is now. And I'm absolutely terrified of telling my family. But on the flip side, neither of us could afford an abortion. And even if he could, I doubt he'd help me; he wouldn't even help me buy a pregnancy test. He wouldn't even look at them with me. He wouldn't even walk to planned parenthood to get a free one done for me.

I just don't know what to do. Honestly, the later it gets the more worried I get and the less doubt I have. Can somebody tell me of any other early signs of pregnancy, other than the whole missed period thing? Or any other advice, really.

On June 19, 2012 I made the above post -- I was fifteen and quite scared. I had was almost certain that I was pregnant and despite the calm demeanor reflected in those written words, I was panicking and had cried myself to sleep the night before. I placed a lot of blame on my boyfriend in that post ( and yes, I was a bit of a cunt to belittle his lack of ejaculation ). In reflection, I shouldn't have been having sex if I wasn't comfortable enough to look at/buy pregnancy tests on my own, etc. I like to think that I've grown up quite a bit since then and consider myself a lot more sexually independent. I was not ready to handle a potential pregnancy, but I am now and am more than capable of buying that particular test on my own - Even more so, I understand that pregnancy really isn't the only thing to worry about. I practice safe, consensual, sex and think about not only my best interests but the best interests of my partners. I do believe that we BOTH could have acted a lot more responsible in that situation. I learned from that experience.

I've been in an on and off relationship with the person described above since. We broke up just a month or so after the pregnancy scare, though remained close friends/friends with benefits, and have become "official" a few times since. All together, we've probably only dated for an accumulated six months, but even when unofficial/"just friends" there is emotional intimacy between us. I've been in other serious relationships with women while not together with him but the link I share with him has never faded completely. I consider myself a lesbian and struggle with differentiating whether or not I love him or think of him as a very good friend - In the end, I don't feel that it matters very much, as we do both care very intensely about each other and work well as a couple. He is sympathetic towards my struggle with sexual orientation and understands that the way we feel might be slightly different - He is nothing but supportive and means the world to me. As we stand now, I occasionally picture a future with him ( though I know it is premature to do so ).

There is something incredibly wrong with the dynamics of our relationship, however.

While I moved forward and learned from the scare we had, he didn't, and he is/can be incredibly sexually irresponsible that it frustrates and scares me. We've been dating for a few months again now, and have only had PIV sex once. Mutual/oral has occurred more often. The issue is this: He will continuously ask me to have PIV sex without a condom. He will not wear condoms that are the right size for him. He will not wash his hands before ATTEMPTING to manually simulate me ( I do stop him, but it feels like negligence on his part regardless ). He knows that none of these things are things which I'm comfortable with.

It was pointed out to me in my initial "scare post" that the talk I should be having with him is not just one about the ( potential ) pregnancy, but about how we interact as sexual beings. I neglected this suggestion heavily at the time because I was, of course, 15 and more worried about having a baby. It's been three years. I don't know if I should still be with him. It's been keeping me up at night - His whispered pleads of going "raw" and his insinuation that a magnum will fit him. I can't breathe. And I don't know what to do.

He isn't getting it, I don't think, how these things are quite risky - I don't know if it's worth trying to explain it to him, or even how to. I don't know if this is a relationship that I should be in.

Originally Posted by LANIKA

While I moved forward and learned from the scare we had, he didn't, and he is/can be incredibly sexually irresponsible that it frustrates and scares me. We've been dating for a few months again now, and have only had PIV sex once. Mutual/oral has occurred more often. The issue is this: He will continuously ask me to have PIV sex without a condom. He will not wear condoms that are the right size for him. He will not wash his hands before ATTEMPTING to manually simulate me ( I do stop him, but it feels like negligence on his part regardless ). He knows that none of these things are things which I'm comfortable with...I can't breathe. And I don't know what to do.

It sounds to me like you and this person do not share the same sexual values regarding hygiene and safety practices. You've set boundaries with him before, and yet despite the fact he knows those boundaries he still pushes them. This is not only a partner who doesn't share the same values as you, but one who doesn't respect your boundaries. A good sexual relationship requires respect and communication to work. If your partner can't respect you, then you can't have a good sexual relationship. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled in your sex life, not scared and kept up at night by your sex partner's disregard of safety practices. That's not healthy.

I would say have a talk with this person. Reiterate the boundaries you have set and cite examples where they have ignored those boundaries. Let them know that until they can respect your boundaries and value the same safety practices that you do you aren't interested in having sex with them. If they agree from this point forward that they can do those things, great, but if they can't, or the next time they violate a boundary, then it may be best to end your sexual relationship together.

[Age of Ignorance]

I don't know if the Magnum that comes to my mind is the same as the one you mentioned in your post. Here in Australia, a magnum is an ice cream - not sure if that is something he would want to put on his penis.

Humour aside, a sexual relationship is one of mutual respect for boundaries. A penetrative experience is just plainly not enjoyable if the boundaries are stretched to their max or breached in any way (I'm oddly reminded of the time my ex-girlfriend attempted to jam her finger in my anus, on multiple occasions, despite my protest). Neither is having someone around that is consistently looking to cross the line. Yet, my advice isn't to end the sexual relationship all together, if you enjoy it in principle, but ensure that he maintains a realistic approach to these things. He needs to take a look, long and hard, at himself and his actions. One way to do this is to cut him down off his high horse - he might think he can fit into a "magnum", but have you told him that he is just not big enough for it?

The pregnancy issue is a little more difficult. The point where I started to think about safe sex (because I was impervious as a kid, though I still used condoms and ensured safe sex was practiced) was when my sister, two years my junior, fell pregnant at 15 - a product of no contraception and a lack of experience. It's experiences like those that make you think about the possibility that it could happen to you. You've obviously had a similar experience, but he doesn't seem to have caught onto that. I would advise you to sit him down, talk to him about that, and re-evaluate where you stand after that. Perhaps he'll understand if he hears the scare you had at 15 and how you don't want to go through that again.

If not, dump his ass.