Frustrated with my girlfriend

Warning: mostly a rant

I've been dating my girlfriend for seven months now. When we first began dating things were very exciting. I wanted to spend all my time with her, I thought about her constantly, I wanted to talk about her to others- all normal parts of a new relationship. But somewhere in the last two months things have just gotten kind of...dull. I know it's natural for things to cool down in a relationship, but I've never had it happen this fast.

The thing is I've known for a while that my girlfriend loves me more than I love her. I feel a lot of warmth towards her, but my passion for her comes and goes. I don't just mean physical passion, although that's a problem, too, I mean my passion about spending time with her. It's not something I'm excited for anymore, most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I am spending time with her just to have something to fill my life with, more than out of a desire to actually spend time with her.

Lately we've just been...off. Every little thing she does has been frustrating me. And I know I'm quite possibly being an asshole about all of it, but that doesn't stop it from being annoying. I've been going through a tough time lately and I don't want to talk to her about it. I just don't. But every time I tell her I don't want to talk about it she gets very upset and quiet. I want to move on from the subject and enjoy our time together, but I can still see it in her face.

She's also been depressed lately. I have a problem dealing with depressed people, especially when I'm going through my own depression. I spend so much energy trying to keep my own life together that I don't have it in me to try and pull her together, too. She keeps wanting me to tell her happy things and why I love her, and I do, but it feels clingy and I end up saying the same things over and over. It gets repetitive. Plus I'm struggling to find my own happy things, so it's not like I have many to tell her.

There are other, smaller things, too. For example, the other day I told her I didn't want to do a certain sexual activity anymore. In seven months we've done this sexual activity ONCE. Maybetwice. And she starts crying about it. It frustrated me. She's acting like I'm taking something we do on a regular basis off the table, not something we tried once and I had mixed feelings about, anyway. Speaking of sex, sometimes I don't even really want to have sex with her. I don't really want to kiss her much anymore. Sometimes the only reason I have sex with her (and this sounds horrible) if because I want to get laid, and she's available. To be fair, this has how sex has been for me recently in general, with other people, too (we see other people, too).

Basically I guess I feel like I'm not able to give her what she wants right now, which is a supportive, passionate, loving girlfriend. I love her, I really do, and I don't think any of this is grounds to break up. But every little thing she does is frustrating me and I don't know how to get past it.

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

The thing is I've known for a while that my girlfriend loves me more than I love her.

From my personal experience, this is just another way of saying that you're falling out of love.

What if your boyfriend were to turn around and say that he doesn't love you as much as you love him? You'd be hurt, in a way, because that's assuming two things:

1. They know how much you love them.
2. They know they feel even less than you do.

That's a problem. A relationship isn't best spent trying to compete on who loves who more; it's mostly spent by expressing love towards each other in general. If you believe that you don't love her as much as she loves you, then you're saying that your love for her is limited. You admit that it's possible to love more, but you don't love her at that magnitude because of X and Y.

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

I feel a lot of warmth towards her, but my passion for her comes and goes.

This is like saying "I love my car, but sometimes it starts and sometimes it doesn't." Yeah, the car starts sometimes, but just because it starts sometimes doesn't mean there's not a problem. You can't and you shouldn't wait for the car to stop starting completely before you decide to do something about it. You've gotta recognize that there is a problem in order to figure out a solution. And if things aren't working out between you and her, well...there's always someone better.

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

I don't just mean physical passion, although that's a problem, too, I mean my passion about spending time with her. It's not something I'm excited for anymore, most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I am spending time with her just to have something to fill my life with, more than out of a desire to actually spend time with her...She's also been depressed lately. I have a problem dealing with depressed people, especially when I'm going through my own depression. I spend so much energy trying to keep my own life together that I don't have it in me to try and pull her together, too. She keeps wanting me to tell her happy things and why I love her, and I do, but it feels clingy and I end up saying the same things over and over. It gets repetitive. Plus I'm struggling to find my own happy things, so it's not like I have many to tell her.

For the record, when you mention that you are "going through [your] own depression," I'm assuming you're actually going through depression rather than feeling "sad or gloomy" when something bad happens. If that's the case, then I can see a connection. I think when we're depressed, or maybe going through a period of time where we feel like shit, we tend to grab hold of whatever we can. If we are in a relationship, they tend to be the best option because they can fulfill a lot of our needs, and they're more than likely willing to do it simply out of love. So if you are to say you're going through depression, then it would only make logical sense to cling onto something that keeps us up, so to speak. And since your boyfriend is temporarily gone, someone you potentially plan on spending the rest of your life with, of course you're going cling onto whatever you can. And I believe that the only reason why the relationship has been "off" lately is because, well, she's the next best option. You potentially don't connect with her as much as you do your boyfriend. But when your boyfriend gets back, everything goes back to "normal" in the sense that you push the problems back under the rug. The problems aren't gone, of course, but now that you're back to having your boyfriend satisfy certain needs and your girlfriend satisfying certain needs, you can lay off your girlfriend with certain topics on your life because now there's other people to grab onto. So what I believe is essentially happening is that you've turned on the lights, and turned down the music in a dance club. You're exposing the truth about your relationships that you're potentially biting off more than you can chew. You mention that your boyfriend is going to eventually be gone for three months. With him being gone, it seems to put a strain on your other relationships and interactions. Your sex partner potentially compromising your sexual health has angered you, and you see it leaking into your other relationships. If you want to have relationships with other people, that's fine, but if you are dealt bad situations with other partners and it's affecting your other relationships, then that's potentially a problem.

Because in a monogamous relationship, if a woman comes home stressed out from work everyday, claiming that she's underpaid from being overstressed, then it's my prerogative to say "well, maybe you should find a new job honey." And if you're being an asshole to your girlfriend, there's probably a reason why. People don't be assholes to other people without having a reason why. And I will say that that reason is never justifiable. And as a girlfriend, or a partner, they're a part of your life. If you're withholding information from them and you don't want to talk about something, then that's just another sign that it ain't workin' out. There's a right time and place to talk about things, but if you are consistently rejecting her advance to talk about things that have upset you, then you are essentially rejecting her as a partner. And yeah, that's not what lovers do regardless of how many you have. You know what I'm thinking? I think you've reached the climax of the relationship, and now you're on your way to the "termination" of a relationship. All the magic has passed, and now it's all just a matter of time until someone realizes that the incompatibilities are starting to come out of their hiding places, and you're not willing to settle for those.

How you've described you and her's interaction is cruel. Sometimes you use her for sex just because she's available, you don't want to talk to her about things that are upsetting you because you just don't (where's the logic in that), she's annoying you possibly to the point that you're being more of an asshole, you don't do certain sexual activities with her that she enjoys, and sometimes you don't even want to kiss her anymore. You say that you love her, but you have basically said nothing to ensure that you do.

You've basically solved your own problem by stating this:

Basically I guess I feel like I'm not able to give her what she wants right now, which is a supportive, passionate, loving girlfriend. I love her, I really do, and I don't think any of this is grounds to break up. But every little thing she does is frustrating me and I don't know how to get past it.

With my experience, I see a million red flags. Sexual incompatibilities, annoyances, lack of communication. You said so yourself that you're not able to give her what she wants right now. Why would you claim to say that it isn't "grounds for a breakup" when you admit that you can't give her what she wants? If that's not grounds for a breakup, then most relationships shouldn't have ended because I believe most of the problems that occur in relationships that lead to break ups STEM from those issues. Big time.

And if you don't see that, then I'm going to reiterate what I've previously mentioned, which is to take a step back and figure some shit out.

[BreathingIn]

First, try being empathetic with her. Put yourself in her shoes, try to understand things from her perspective.

If you cannot do that, that's a red flag to break up. You're not wrong, she's not wrong, but you two just don't match. You do not understand each other. Again, that's not a problem and no one is wrong, it's just not a match.

All the best.