My girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting sex.

[Jesicca333]

I am in a Lesbian relationship, is that the politically correct way to say it?I don't know. When my girlfriend and I first got together I told her, I don't like sex. I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex. She told me she felt the same way so, obviously I didn't think she would press the issue. Moving on, she and I were at our friend's house for a party. After about two hours and several beers, she started hanging all over me, kissing me and just in general being inappropriate. I pulled her out of the room to clarify that I don't like PDA. As for her reaction, I remember word for word what she said to me. "I know you're cheating on me. I see the way you flirt with other people. Are you having sex with them? I'll bet you are. Am I not attractive enough? Is that why you won't jump in bed with me? No one hates sex so you're either a liar or a freak of nature." After she had finished her speech I felt kind of bad (although, mind you I was not and am not cheating) So of course I said sorry and that I hadn't known she was so upset, told her I was not cheating and she shouldn't worry about that. After I finished apologizing she started to "feel me up", I think that is the correct slang. I pushed her away and said "This is neither the time nor place. Let's go back out and we can talk about this later." As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" That made me feel pretty bad about myself because I know I am a "prude". I didn't really have a response for her though, so we just returned to the party.



My dilemma here is trying to justify her actions. I have been over this conversation in my head, what seems like a million times. She was a bit drunk. I had upset her by being negligent of her feelings. After all that I rejected her when she tried to be affectionate.



My questions: How do I fix this? We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting. I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine, right? I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Thanks for reading.

[*CatchingStars*]

First your feelings are what they are and she doesn't seem to get that. Also she drinking we all say things inappropriate while drinking. And although she said she doesn't want sex she may have just been saying that at the moment and you in no way should have been treated that way. Also in no way should she have hit you. You guys are in a relationship that is not ok. And if she loved you she would accept your views on sex. Don't ever reeled pressured. I suggest to just sit and talk with her when you are both calm and rested. Let her know again your views and if she repeats her comment from that night I don't think that's a healthy relationship to be in. But if she says something like she doesn't feel loved. Try to find common ground which you both are COMFORTABLE with don't do anything you or she isn't comfortable that will put more stress. Pm or vm me if you need more advice. Best of luck -Corri

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey there,

If you're not ready to have sex or don't want to for any personal reasons then that is your choice. You've explained you don't want a sexual relationship and she was fully aware of that when the two of you got together. I don't condone your girlfriend's behaviour in slapping you, yes she was probably angry, feeling a little rejected but that is no excuse to hit someone. When people have a drink sometimes they say things that they don't mean, but unfortunately they can't be taken back. Have you spoken to your girlfriend for the reasons that you don't want to have sex. Maybe your girlfriend is having a difficult time understanding your side of the argument? I would speak with her and explain that you are attracted to her and it has nothing to do with that. Different people have different attitudes to sex and maybe when your girlfriend understands yours she may stop trying to pressure you into having sex with her.

It doesn't matter what your reasons for not having sex are, if that's the way you feel then your girlfriend needs to respect your wishes, once she understands a little more then maybe she will stop trying to pressure you into having sex.

I wish you the best of luck,
Paige

First of all, being drunk is never an excuse for physically lashing out at another person. Your girlfriend exercised very poor self-control in both saying hurtful things and in hitting you. Her behavior was abusive and unacceptable, and there's no need for you to apologize for her bad feelings. She's capable of and should be responsible for dealing with her own emotions. It is not your job to make her feel better. You have set a boundary with her and if she can't respect your boundaries then she is not someone you should be with.

If you don't want to have sex, you should not push yourself to have sex. It's your body and your choice, and it's important your partner is able to accept that. If your partner can't accept that then maybe it's not a good fit.

I would suggest talking to your girlfriend when you are both sober and in a good headspace. Let her know that her actions hurt you, and that they weren't okay. Explain to her that you have been honest with her and that while it's not a reflection on her or her attractiveness you choose not to have sex for personal reasons. Ask her if there is a way you can validate your love and attractiveness for her without crossing the boundary of sexual contact. Try and come up with a way to do that together. If your girlfriend insists it HAS to be sex, then I would say it's not the best relationship for you to be in. Relationships are about respecting boundaries, and if someone can't do that they aren't the person for you.

[Eternal]

I've moved this to Relationships&Dating because your problem is concerning your girlfriend, not your gender identity.

[TheGuyinCanada]

Hello there,
It is the desire for many young people to have .ex. One of the biggest urges for humans is to reproduce. Many young people have a strong urge to have .ex. I think talking to her about it is a good idea. So you can let her know that you do not want to have .ex. Thanks good luck

[Age of Ignorance]

Hi Jessica,

Everyone so far has provided great support and advice. I can't build on their advice much more. You should really talk to her, ask her if there is any way of validating your love and affection for her, whilst maintaining that you're against public displays of affection and sexual contact.

Nevertheless, I would hazard that there is a way of looking at this from her perspective as well. Whilst her actions can never be justified, it helps to understand as well. In my opinion, she was not lashing out because she is sexually deprived or because she thinks you're cheating. It's neither of those things. Those ideas are a symptom of a concept she's concocted in her mind of a relationship with you that she desires. Most people do concoct such concepts. Most of us imagine what it would be like if x happened or if y happened, and since they haven't happened, we question why. The latter question is why she lashed out; she can't seem to find a reason or a logical explanation in her mind. The former questions (or imaginations) are a product of various experiences. In a previous relationship, she might have understood that a certain level of affection from both parties is required to maintain a healthy and dynamic physical dialogue. Alternatively, she might view other relationships as the benchmark. Given that imagination, she wonders why your relationship is not like that, and she desires more affection or a closeness you currently don't have.

The short story to all this is that she doesn't want sex, but sex to her might be a demonstration of affection and can bring you two closer together.

At least, this is exactly how my mind works.

I hope everything goes well. If you want to chat, feel free to send me a PM/VM.

Cheers,

Mitchell

[Doodle.]

Regardless of your sexuality or gender violence in a relationship is NOT a good thing. If you don't want to have sex with her then don't have sex with her. Nobody should guilt-trip into having sex at all, drunk or not.

I would talk to her about all of this properly. If she's still insisting to have sex with you then I don't really think you'll be happy in this relationship at all.