Ex-girlfriend wants to be alone?

[bigwheel]

Me and my ex-girlfriend were dating for 3 years before things got a bit tough. We've been through an abortion...which was horrible for both of us, especially her to have to go through. But we stayed together and worked through it. I've been desperately trying to get a higher paid job so I can ultimately afford to buy her a nice engagement ring (yes, I was going to ask her to marry me! )

But because we argued alot, we'd been through so much and the jobs I found were 100 miles away, we ended up splitting up. I always wanted her back, in fact, I tried talking to other girls, even let her know I was talking to other girls but in my head....I just loved her too much. I didn't kiss/sleep with any other girl and still haven't. I wont kiss/sleep with another girl at all. I love my ex too much for that.

A long story short, me and my ex slept together two nights ago and she cried afterwards and told me she loves me but she wants to be alone at the same time.

A few months ago, my ex met this guy on a train, he's 22, me and my ex are 25. He gave her his details, she messaged him on facebook and he added her. They've been talking and they swapped numbers. She told me that story, then showed me the text messages. The guy has been asking rude questions e.g what are you wearing? (At night) etc.

So I flip out. I delete his number from her phone. I block him on facebook. She then gets mad at me and says I haven't changed. The following day, she begins texting him again.

Since then she has been saying: "at the moment, being single makes me happy. I just want to be on my own for now.. Please respect that"

and "I just want to be on my own.. Why can't you accept that? I want nobody I just want to think of myself."

What exactly does this all mean? I know my mistakes. But it feels like she's playing mind games. Does she love me?? Does she want to sleep with this dude? Why are they texting?

My mind is racing and i've had two asthma attacks. I can't tell you how much I love this girl. I wanted to marry her.

If anyone can help me right now, i'd appreciate it. Last night I cried like a baby for hours. I just want that other guy out of our lives and for us to fix it.

[Security]

Hey mate,

First, let me say that I can't empathise with your situation. I've never been in it before. I have, however, been in her shoes before. Let me explain that, from the outset, she wants her space. What I can tell from those statements of hers is that you're asking questions, and they can be quite overbearing. What I can tell you is that, everytime you ask her something of the sort, she is pushed further away from you. So, essentially, when she replies the way she did, she means this: "stop trying to be my boyfriend; you're not my boyfriend, and I don't want you to be at this stage."

Second, there is one benefit that comes out of this situation: you can move on. You've got your answer; she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. You cannot however, view this is as a possibility for her coming back if you back away. It is true that this does happen (and has happened, even to me; and so the saying goes, "if you love something, set it free; and if it returns, it returns freely"), but it's disastrous to see it as even a possibility. It will only make it more difficult. You need to go, you need to see it as leaving, and you need to accept that she may never come back.

Third, here is what I would do (which, is merely an opinion and not what you may inevitably do, but I can speak for the other side of the coin): send her a message, telling her that I was tired of her and I was emotionally drained, and could no longer put in the effort that it required to try to be with her. I would tell her that I wished her the best, and perhaps someday you may run into one another. And then I would never speak to her unless she spoke to me first. If she pleads with you to not leave her, then you have some power back, and she is no longer signalling that you're pushing her away, but to the contrary. You may then speak to her freely, but not on the same topic. If she does not plead with you, then you have no power, and you've lost.

Finally, I'm really sorry that you're in this position. Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone also gets a second chance. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and sometimes it's better not to put all of your eggs in one basket (I'm filled with cliches tonight).

Hope you figure it out.

Cheers,

Mitch

[bigwheel]

Thanks for your input Security..

I KNOW i'm not supposed to text her etc. We have been texting quite a lot, but she mainly says: "I want to be alone, leave me alone" etc. So I asked the burning question....when she slept with me, she told me she loved me but wanted to be alone.

So I asked her "If you love me, you'll want to delete that other guy and fix us. Did you mean it when you said you loved me? If you don't see me in your future, that's final and i'll walk away".

She replied saying "that's final". I'm so crushed. I worked hard for over 3 years on this relationship.

EDIT: It turns out there's another guy she likes in her workplace. I knew it. I knew there was someone else....

[Coffee.]

I'm giving my typical "Traci" warning which means I'm going to be 100% honest and not sugarcoat things.

You need to leave her alone. It doesn't matter if she's giving you "mixed signals." The fact is she said to stop texting her, and you need to respect that. If she wants to open things up again, she'll message you. Period. Next, you have no right to block people on her phone or on her Facebook, if I read that right. You can encourage her to do so if men are harassing her, but ultimately, that's her space and you did not respect that. It doesn't even matter if you were dating-I would be furious if my boyfriend were to even log onto my Facebook without my permission. I do not know your relationship, but from what she said, I believe she misses you; however, she does not miss this kind of behavior. You're being a bit controlling, and you're being too clingy if she does not want you around. She has the right to her space.

In the end, things may not improve. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. In no way do I believe that you do not love her-you absolutely love her. But you cannot force her to love you back, and at this time, you may not be healthy for her. She may need some time to develop as a person alone, single, and you need to respect that if you truly care about her. Stay strong.

[LuckyCharmz]

Sadly, I'm going to agree with Traci.

Yes, we get that you want to try to fix things with her, and she understands that too. You're exes, so there is no "somebody else". She's single, you're single. That gives you both the right to move on to new people, to flirt, to enjoy being single, etc. She's asked you kindly to stop texting her, and you should respect that. If there were any chances of the two of you getting back together, you may have ruined it by not giving her the space she was asking for.

Your relationship with her ended for a reason. Whether it was on mutual terms or not, you should be respectful of her wishes. I'm sure she'd do the same for you if the situation was reversed. As far as the "loving you" part, just because you're not together doesn't mean the her feelings for you have completely diminished. An ex and I were together for two years, and still said the L word after we had broken up. Feeling are not a light switch, you can't turn them on and off at the drop of a hat. So it's very possible that she may still love you (in some way). You went through a lot together, that's obvious.

The fact still remains the same: if she asks you to leave her alone, you leave her alone. When she's ready to talk, IF she's ready to talk, let her come to you. You can let her know that you'll be there if she needs you, to talk to, etc, but then let that be it.

[bigwheel]

Thank you very much for the advice. Here's an update on the situation.

My ex-girlfriend came home late from work, so I decided to ask the following questions:

1) Are you seeing anyone else or? You've never been late home from work so i'm not accussing you at all. You work in a busy hospital, but what with everything that has gone on. If you're seeing someone i'd like to know so I can move on and respect your wishes.

She replied: No. When I said I want to be alone, I meant alone. No guys, nothing. By the time I get another, you will have moved on, anyway.

Question 2) Do you love me? And think we could ever.....EVER fix this and be in a relationship again, or are we done forever?

She replied: I don't know. I wanted space and you didn't give me the space I wanted.

I then noticed she was wearing the blue topaz earrings I bought her for Christmas. So does that change anything??

I'm planning to go NC (no contact) for 2 weeks. Then after 2 whole weeks, if she doesn't want me, i'll expect it and I will be able to move on amicably.

[LuckyCharmz]

Wearing the earrings you bought her for Christmas doesn't change anything. They were a gift, and she most likely liked them, hence why she chose to wear them. Wearing an article of clothing or a piece of jewelry isn't going to be a sign that she wants to get back together, I'm sorry to say.

If you're planning on going NC for two weeks, do it. And honestly stick with it. But, again, two weeks isn't going to be enough time for her to change her mind. You need to go NC until SHE'S ready to be in contact with you. You said your piece, and she said hers. She is obviously looking for space, and while two weeks might seem like a long time to go without speaking to her, it's going to feel as if you're still not giving her the space she obviously so desperately needs.

[Most Likely]

Originally Posted by bigwheel

Thank you very much for the advice. Here's an update on the situation.

My ex-girlfriend came home late from work, so I decided to ask the following questions:

1) Are you seeing anyone else or? You've never been late home from work so i'm not accussing you at all. You work in a busy hospital, but what with everything that has gone on. If you're seeing someone i'd like to know so I can move on and respect your wishes.

She replied: No. When I said I want to be alone, I meant alone. No guys, nothing. By the time I get another, you will have moved on, anyway.

Question 2) Do you love me? And think we could ever.....EVER fix this and be in a relationship again, or are we done forever?

She replied: I don't know. I wanted space and you didn't give me the space I wanted.

I then noticed she was wearing the blue topaz earrings I bought her for Christmas. So does that change anything??

I'm planning to go NC (no contact) for 2 weeks. Then after 2 whole weeks, if she doesn't want me, i'll expect it and I will be able to move on amicably.

I'm going to be honest man, you are acting immature about it. I'm sorry but that's the truth. She several times gave you a clear sign you're to leave her alone and let her go on with her life as she wants it. Even IF she dated other guys, it's her goddamn right to do so, and you cannot control it or ban her from doing it. You don't own her, get this into your head.

Give her space and leave her alone. Trying to force her to contact with you, controlling and stalking what she does when, where and with who will only make you look pathetic and desperate in her eyes - at least that's the view I have right now. No hate or spite here, I'm just being honest.


I repeat.



LEAVE HER ALONE. It's over. You're 25 years old, and you wanted to think about marriage. Behave like you're worth that and behave for your age.

[Vegemate]

As Lucas said. Just leave her be. She's gone, forget it. Going of what you've said, she has no interest in you what so ever. It's done, mate. Forget it and move on.

[bigwheel]

Thanks guys. Most Likely, that did sound pretty harsh to read but I guess you meant well.

[anonymouswhale]

I completely empathize that you invested so much time, energy, and love into that relationship, and that it's unfair for her to sleep with you and unwind all of the work you did to try to get over her.

I'm sure you understand that it's taking a lot of effort to try to read her mixed emotions and signals. Perhaps you could do everything in your power to carry on without ever talking to her, and see what happens when you truly do leave her alone like she wishes. You don't deserve the heartache, and I'm a believer that time will help you.

[bigwheel]

Originally Posted by ImprovisedStarlight

I completely empathize that you invested so much time, energy, and love into that relationship, and that it's unfair for her to sleep with you and unwind all of the work you did to try to get over her.

I'm sure you understand that it's taking a lot of effort to try to read her mixed emotions and signals. Perhaps you could do everything in your power to carry on without ever talking to her, and see what happens when you truly do leave her alone like she wishes. You don't deserve the heartache, and I'm a believer that time will help you.

Thank you so much, I will go completely no contact. I'm just worried that when I stop speaking to her, it'll push her further away.... but it's the only thing I can do at this stage.

[Rivière]

Having been in a similar situation you're putting your ex-girlfriend in, I want to say a few things and hope it may provide you with an alternative perspective.

The last relationship I had was with a guy who I'd been with for nearly 3 years. I thought the absolute world of him and he was the kindest, funniest person I thought I'd ever met. He worked part-time, I was unemployed and so was able to see him whenever he was available, however, a year into our relationship I decided to return to college and take a few different courses, four in total, each had their homework, essay writing, project studies and exam revision requirements. 3 months later I'd had an exam which I found I'd failed, it finally hit me that I needed to work harder, so this meant less time spent with my boyfriend and more time spent on my education. Let me tell you, he did not like this one bit. It was ok for him to pick me up and drop me whenever it suited him, but as soon as I'd told him "I am unavailable due to homework" or "No I can't see you just yet because I'm revising" he wouldn't accept it and this is where our relationship began to deteriorate.

Not only was I dealing with my college education, which took up a lot of my time, I was dealing with some personal stuff as well as an emerging heal problem. Trying to get my boyfriend to understand that it isn't as though I didn't want to see him, but more that I couldn't walk properly due to said health problem, that I had home responsibilities (death in the family) and that I had 5 months before college finishes and I really needed to focus on these things but stated we can always see each other during weekends or whenever there are college breaks. This was never enough for him and soon it resorted in him ignoring my requests for some space so I could deal with things, particularly my educational studies and he'd reached a point where he'd outright not listen to me at all. He'd constantly bombard me with wanting to see me, constantly ask when I'm free, try and visit me in college to spend my free periods being with me or to walk around town for the entirety of some of them, which was never possible due to being at college, needing the free periods to catch up on homework/revise for exams and walking around wasn't possible because of my health issue. This went on for months, and I mean months. I'd tell him I needed space, he took more and more of it away. I'd tell him I just needed some time so I could finish my college work. He would refuse to give it to me. It reached a point where he'd actually follow my Facebook statuses and comment on them, or Like my posts.

For over 5 months I was dealing with a boyfriend whom I'd once cared so deeply for, to the point where I just wanted to be away from his clingy, possessive behaviour. I still thought highly of him as a person, but his behaviour was absolutely unacceptable to the point where I'd actually become so depressed and lonely that I began looking at other people. My boyfriend made me so unhappy because of his behaviour that I'd ended up with thoughts of taking my own life, something I had not done since I was 18 years old, and this to me was a huge signal that I just needed to get out of the relationship with him, be away from him and move on. However, even during the time I was telling him I'd split with him, he'd still not listen, he'd still tell me he'd, "Back off completely" and "Give me all the space I'd need" but by then it was too late and I just wanted him to stop talking to me, to stop being near me and to give me my own space permanently.

He claimed he loved me, however the one thing he failed to consider out of the whole ordeal was how I was feeling. The only thing he card about was, "Not losing me", so he tried to cling on as much as possible to the point where he'd overdo it and pushed me away completely, and permanently.

The moral of this story is that you're going to make your ex-girlfriend very ill. I understand that you may not want to lose her, that you feel threatened by other males trying to be with her, but honestly, you've made her very unhappy and the likelihood of her looking to seek comfort in another person just to get away from you is high. I mean no disrespect by this, but you are your own worst enemy. You are the one that has pushed her away by your possessive nature. The fact that you even chose to access her Facebook is one thing but wanting to know if she's seeing anyone else even though you're both no longer together is another. The moment you part ways, it's none of your concern.

If you truly love her as you say you do, and I genuinely think you do, please see your own faults here. Don't do as my boyfriend had done which was to become so possessive and clingy towards me that it permanently pushed me away. You may think you're suffering because you have to watch her be without you, that she may be looking for comfort in other guys, but it's also because of you that she does this. Respect her wishes, stop talking to her, prove to her that you are capable of doing as she asks. If you feel you can't do this, then she is better off without you.

Finally, when I was with my boyfriend, he bought me a lot of things, there are things I still keep that he'd bought me a year and a half after our split. This is not because I still have feelings for him, it's because the item I was gifted was either of use to me or because it, as an item, was genuinely nice. For the jewellery I was bought, I wear it not because he bought it me, but because I just like it.

All in all, take some time to reflect on your behaviour towards her. Give her time. Again, if you love her, wait for her no matter how long it may be. Not days, not weeks, but months or years. It just depends on how ready you feel you are to wait, and how able to you are to respect her requests.

[Most Likely]

Originally Posted by bigwheel

Thank you so much, I will go completely no contact. I'm just worried that when I stop speaking to her, it'll push her further away.... but it's the only thing I can do at this stage.

You being pushy and pressuring her is what makes her isolate herself even more, cause she's desperate for some peace. Understand it, friend.