Boyfriend's mother

[eaty]

I really don't know what to do right now, and could really use some support and advice about this situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, and honestly everything in our relationship is going well. We are really happy together, and can see us together for a long time. We have had a fight and a couple disagreements, but we worked right through them and got through them stronger than before no problem. He fits in really well with my family, and they all really like him.

Because of the distance in our relationship (I live in New York, and he lives in Pennsylvania. We are about 2 and a half hours from each other, which isn't horrible) and the fact that I don't drive yet, he drives up here and we stay at my house. And that has been fine, he actually likes my city better than his. We have actually managed to see each other every week since we started dating 5 months ago.

I've only met his family twice, but apparently his mother is now causing a lot of issues.

He always told me she was stubborn, and I'm starting to see that. I was very intimidated to meet her the first time, and was a nervous wreck. My boyfriend, and his two best friends that I know. Both told me to relax, that she will like me and it will be fine. That she just might seem intimidating at first, but will warm up to me. But that isn't what happened. I stayed pretty quiet when talking to her, and I thought it went okay. I was very quiet though.

After I was home, and he was home. He asked her what she thought of me. And the answer? Not positive. She was "leery" of me, but my boyfriend reassured me, it wasn't my fault at all that she was leery of me, if anything it was his. She is concerned that I'll end up being like his exes (short version: He was in a couple bad relationships before me, that tore him apart when they ended. It was apparently bad) and she saw what they did to him, and she is worried that I'll be just like them. It wasn't that she didn't like me because of who I am, but because of what I could do to him. So she was just leery of me but didn't dislike me. Which, I totally understand her point of view. I can respect that. And he was pretty sure that given more time of us together, so she can see how serious we are, that she'll learn to love me and everything will be fine.

Since then, I've barely had anything to do with her. Between my schedule, and him starting a full time job. He has continued to see me, and she hasn't caused much issue. Only main thing, is the fact that he has been staying up a little longer than he should, to be able to talk to me more. And she lectured him about trying to sleep more for work. But that was about it.

Then I thought she was finally warming up to the idea to me. For Christmas she made a guess of what I would do for him for Christmas, and she was right and got a laugh out of it. I knitted him a scarf, and she inspected it and was pleased with it. She even got me a present, without asking him about it. (which he teased her about, about her possibly warming up to the idea of me) which I love. I sent her a present back, and then when she found out about one of my Christmas presents. She was asking my boyfriend about it, and was very curious about it. (I got a sewing machine, and she really loves sewing)

Then last week, we made a plan for me to go visit in PA for a couple days so I could spend New Years with my boyfriend. Cause he wouldn't be able to come here for it due to his work schedule. So I stayed there, had dinner with the family. And I was very quiet and timid around his family again, I met his dad for the first time. But I stayed really nice and tried to keep talking, and I thought it was okay.

But apparently I was wrong. Since tonight after my boyfriend got home from staying with me for a couple days. He disappeared offline for a little bit, and came back and apologized for it, that he was yelling at his mother and that he got really frustrated with her. I asked what happened, his first reply? "Favor? Don't blame yourself" and that is when I went "Shit. I messed up"

Apparently the big picture issue, is that she is afraid that he is going to be worn out, and then fall asleep at the wheel and get into a car accident. Since he has about a half hour or so commute to work every day, plus driving between NY and PA every weekend to see me. And then he said that it all stems from a lot of little things. Like this, which I am quoting directly from what he said to me when telling me "My mother sees our relationship as "nothing productive" just a "huge time sink and huge money sink" yet she preaches that she only has my happiness in mind" and then he said "she made a comment to me friday morning that took me a while to cool down from "I really don't understand what you see in her"" and apparently he had enough, and blew up at her about it and told her off. That she doesn't know a damn thing about his happiness, because she doesn't know a damn thing about him. That she would always probably disapprove of anything he does.

He told me once, she just wants his happiness. But her idea of happiness, and his are totally different. She doesn't support what does make him happy, and gives him a hard time about it.

And just, I am so hurt right now by what she has said about me. That she isn't really trying to get to know me, and now it seems like she doesn't even want to try and thinks it is just a waste of time.

One of the things that is hurting the most, was her comment about me being a "huge time sink and huge money sink" because that is something I worry about being a LOT. My boyfriend and I have such different lives, he comes from this good almost upper class family. They have money and live a comfortable life. My family? We struggle to pay the bills right now, we barely had enough money for Christmas this year. My mom works two jobs to support us. He has gone to college, and I haven't gone to school. I feel like we are from different worlds almost. And I have always feared since I learned more about his life, that the difference in our lives would tear us apart. That his family would think I'm not good enough for him, and apparently that is what they think. I've struggled myself with feeling like I am not good for him at all, and to hear that someone else agrees with that? Hurts like hell.

Just makes me wonder if maybe she is right. If maybe I am not good enough for him, I feel like he deserves better than me. Cause I bring him down sometimes, and cause trouble. And I feel like I am a waste of time and money, I feel like I am taking him away from more important things. I just hate causing conflict between him and his family, he swears I'm not and that this has been coming for a long time, but I feel like its my fault for causing this, and not doing a better job of preventing this. And just... I don't know. I feel like I'm so worthless right now, and just so upset and hurt.

And worst part? Is that he is really upset and frustrated with her about it. And I don't know how to help him right now, I can't think of anything I can do to help him deal with this. We didn't get to talk about it a whole lot tonight cause he had to go to sleep soon after cause he has to be up at 4:30am for work. I want so badly to help him with this, and I don't know how. And that just makes me feel worse about it all, especially because this week we are both busy and I'm not sure how much we'll get to talk. And I just want him to be happy, and I don't know how to do that. And it makes me feel like a really shitty girlfriend.

I just don't know what to do, about this entire situation. About how to help him deal, or what I can do to help prove to her that I am worthy for him, that I'm not going to hurt him like his exes did. That I'm serious about him. I just don't know what I can do to help this situation, I feel like anything I do might just make it worse.

I just, really could use some advice and support about this. Because I don't know what to do.

Sorry for making this so long everyone. Thanks to anyone who read it and has anything to say, even if its just support. That is fine.

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hey Sarah,

What is important is for yourself and your boyfriend to not let his mother interfere with your relationship. I know this can be hard cause he lives with his parents and you visit and hear about it. It is good that he put things straight with his mother about how he does feel. That is good. I know that his mother is looking out for him, however it's his life and not hers. If you both make decisions or choices that should be solely about you and him only, not his mother. I mean his mother can have her own views and opinions.

One suggestion is let him know that you want to be able to hangout with him without his mother having an issue with it. You could talk to him and ask him to express that he knows she means well, but he is old enough to make decisions and choices for himself and if she has a problem/issue with, maybe he needs to limit the information he does tell his mother (if that is the case).

Just makes me wonder if maybe she is right. If maybe I am not good enough for him, I feel like he deserves better than me. Cause I bring him down sometimes, and cause trouble. And I feel like I am a waste of time and money, I feel like I am taking him away from more important things

You shouldn't feel this way. Money shouldn't be apart of your relationship, sure it is there, but you are definitely not wasting his time nor money. He wants to come see you on the weekends because he wants to be with you, because he values you and wants that time with you.

My boyfriend and I have such different lives, he comes from this good almost upper class family. They have money and live a comfortable life.

I had the same problem with my boyfriend. He's the Military Brat, with a father in the Air Force, where his mom would transfer money to his account when he was struggling 2 months ago with money. It bothered me cause I thought he needed to learn to come up with ideas to find money.
There isn't a difference between your family and his. Everyone lives a different life style than others and how they live, that doesn't mean they aren't happy. You can take this into a learning angle, where you can teach him the importance of saving and where to shop and he can teach you how to invest or how much to put away for X item/thing. You can each learn and grow from the backgrounds you do come from. In anyway, this isn't a negative thing, it is a positive thing. It may not seem that way but it can be very rewarding in the end.

Just makes me wonder if maybe she is right. If maybe I am not good enough for him, I feel like he deserves better than me.

What I see here is you and your boyfriend don't have any issues with the relationship the only person who can't see that both of you are happy is his mother. She might be overprotective of him and sensitive to his feelings from his past relationships and that she doesn't want him to go through that again. Sometimes, things happen and we don't have much control over and she needs to know that she can't always control what does or doesn't happen in his life.

Have you asked him what he wants to happen? What he wants to do about his mother and how she is reacting? It could help him to know what he does want and doesn't want.

I hope this is helpful Sarah.

Take care,
Chantal