Triggering (ED): My girlfriend Lucy

[plasticsaint]

Hello,

My name is Georgina, and almost a year now I've known this girl named Lucy at my new school. We both got quite close to each other as we both suffer from anxiety and as we both recognised the symptoms in each other we were quick to be each other's help when we were having an anxiety attack. Of course we mostly got close due to our personalities and almost four months ago we started dating and we are in a very happy relationship. But she has a selfdiagnosis of anorexia and, to be honest I really do believe it She used to have it about a year ago but got mostly over it. In the last two months it's been getting worse again. She ocasionally has trouble eating but sometimes she completely flies off the rails and she normally calls me (for comfort I think) but she'll be in tears and I have a very hard time making her feel better when she gets like this. I dont know how to get her to eat and she doesnt want to see a doctor.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

I spend a lot of time on forums and reading about how to help best and I definitely never force her to eat and I do do my best to try to get her there on her own but I have no idea how to help her further than that. And I hate that I cant
Any and all help is greatly appreciated,
Thank you very much,
- George

Hey, Georgina.

This is really heartwarming that you care so much about Lucy that you're posting here about how to help, along with spending lots of time reading about the disorder. That shows you care a lot about her which she probably appreciates a lot.

Something that's concerning is the fact that she self-diagnosed herself with anorexia. Sometimes disorders and conditions can be obvious, but still, self-diagnosing can have its dangers that she may not fully realize. For instance, click here to read this article about the dangers of self-diagnosis. I'm not saying she doesn't have anorexia at all as I don't know her, and the fact that she stops eating is a pretty big warning sign.

The fact that you're there for her and she calls you for comfort is support that she probably really appreciates. Along with the fact that you never force her to eat. But, anorexia can become serious and she does need to reach out for help at some point because it's pretty hard to win against anorexia without professional help. Have you tried encouraging her again to talk to someone like the school guidance counselor, a therapist, or opening up to someone like her parents? She has to be willing to choose recovery to truly get help and want to recover.

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to see a doctor? There may be more specific reasons behind it and if she told you, you might could help reassure her about whatever concerns she has. I realize she doesn't want to see a doctor or anything, but she seems to really be struggling and I think if she found the right therapist that specializes in eating disorders that it could really help her. You could reassure her that you'll still be right there with her supporting her through this.

When she does eat, acknowledge it and let her know you're proud of her for doing so. Anorexia can make the simple task of eating really difficult, so it's best to reinforce the idea that eating is a good thing. Little things like letting her know you're proud of her and happy when she eats could end up being positive for her.

You're a really great boyfriend to be helping her through this. By just being there for her and being supportive, you're helping her a lot more than you think. Don't doubt how much you do for her, and also in the meantime, make sure that you're also taking care of yourself, okay? I know you really wanna help your girlfriend, but you have to make sure you look after yourself too because you matter as well! I hope your girlfriend chooses recovery and begins doing better. You're welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to. Seeing your significant other suffer can feel really heartbreaking, so I'm happy to listen if you need.

[plasticsaint]

@Nala.

I'm her girlfriend actually. Thank you so much for your reply.

I know that she is only self-diagnosed, but from what I have read and seen she really is anorexic, I am staying over at her place right now and have been noticing her finding it hard to eat especially the last few days. I hadn't seen her in a few days and her jeans seem too loose. I try to encourage her to eat and I do tell her that I am very happy when she does eat. She does see a therapist but doesn't tell her anything. And when I ask her why she doesn't want to see a doctor about is she won't tell me.

But thank you very much for the advice I will keep telling her how proud I am of her.

[Kindred]

Hey,

You're a really great girlfriend, then, and Nala gave you some great advice. The thing about self diagnosing is not that we're doubting she's anorexic or anything, just that seeking help will open up more options for helping her. It's brilliant that you're helping her- it's really admirable- but there is no substitute for medical advice sometimes. Your girlfriend could be killing herself, with the amount she's eating, and it's something serious that needs attention. You say she's already got a therapist- that's good. It's gonna be less of a step to get help if she's already receiving some form of help. If she's not comfortable actually telling her therapist what's going on, could she write her a note and show her, or something like that?

Although you can't force her to eat, there probably will be a point where it will be necessary for either you or her to seek medical advice for this- eating disorders are serious illnesses that can be fatal. I know I'm grateful to my best friend for seeking help on my behalf when things got too bad. Keep an eye on her, encourage her to eat but don't force her or make yourself the enemy. Be supportive and listen to her; you don't need to advise her or anything, just be someone she knows she can talk to.

And like we said, good job for being such a good girlfriend. She's very lucky to have someone to stand by her like this.

Laura x

[Indigo]

Hey

Have you talked to her much about why she doesn't wanna eat ? Is it an emotional thing... Is it because she thinks she fat .... Is it remarks someone has said. Try get her to talk and open up to you if she doesn't wanna talk to anyone else about it an the moment. Try make sure you listen to what she says and let her know that not matter what you will stick by her. Eating disorders can be a bitch cause you like to keep it very private.....but when it goes to far it's not pretty. ..... Just let her know that you will be there for her no matter what...try make her feel special and beautiful. You sound like your a great girlfriend to her anyway just whatever happens make sure your there for her x

[plasticsaint]

Originally Posted by Harlequin.

Hey,

You're a really great girlfriend, then, and Nala gave you some great advice. The thing about self diagnosing is not that we're doubting she's anorexic or anything, just that seeking help will open up more options for helping her. It's brilliant that you're helping her- it's really admirable- but there is no substitute for medical advice sometimes. Your girlfriend could be killing herself, with the amount she's eating, and it's something serious that needs attention. You say she's already got a therapist- that's good. It's gonna be less of a step to get help if she's already receiving some form of help. If she's not comfortable actually telling her therapist what's going on, could she write her a note and show her, or something like that?

Although you can't force her to eat, there probably will be a point where it will be necessary for either you or her to seek medical advice for this- eating disorders are serious illnesses that can be fatal. I know I'm grateful to my best friend for seeking help on my behalf when things got too bad. Keep an eye on her, encourage her to eat but don't force her or make yourself the enemy. Be supportive and listen to her; you don't need to advise her or anything, just be someone she knows she can talk to.
Thank you very much for replying and all your help

And like we said, good job for being such a good girlfriend. She's very lucky to have someone to stand by her like this.

Laura x

Hello Laura,
Her therapist, she's been seeing her for about two years now I believe, is extremely religious (Lucy herself is religious) and so her therapist now mainly seems to focus on poking holes in our relationship. She hasn't actually told anyone but myself and her best friend, I actually only just discovered this after talking with her little sister (who she is veryclose with) and discovering that she had no idea about any of her struggles. I have since told her to keep an eye on her, and we comunicate our worries often -I ask her to keep an extra look out on that she's eating, she asks me for updates ext- I honestly am very unsure of what to do and how to do it. I have considered talking to her mother but am unsure of how to aproach her on the topic, although I do have a rather good relationship with her, as well as being unsure of how to aproach her on it, her mother does not yet know about our relationship.

Lucy says she knows that she should just eat and that she does lose too much weight, but that the need to loose wieght is just too great. "I want to loose weight but I also dont want to go back to that but I also do so that I can loose weight." She has a specific eating pattern, and gets very upset if that gets disturbed (for example if she's out of crackers in the morning) to the point where she's in tears and having panic attacks because she knows she has to eat but bread for example is too much.

I honestly dont know why she wont tell people, I have asked her many times, but she refuses to tell me.

[plasticsaint]

Originally Posted by Indigo

Hey

Have you talked to her much about why she doesn't wanna eat ? Is it an emotional thing... Is it because she thinks she fat .... Is it remarks someone has said. Try get her to talk and open up to you if she doesn't wanna talk to anyone else about it an the moment. Try make sure you listen to what she says and let her know that not matter what you will stick by her. Eating disorders can be a bitch cause you like to keep it very private.....but when it goes to far it's not pretty. ..... Just let her know that you will be there for her no matter what...try make her feel special and beautiful. You sound like your a great girlfriend to her anyway just whatever happens make sure your there for her x

I have spoken to her about it and she says she just hates her body and thinks she's much too fat. She used to look at a lot of something called 'thinspo' and I catch her doing it every so often now too. I have told her many times that I love her fat or thin and that I just really want her to be healthy. I told her I was proud of her when she made and ate dinner last night but got quiet after doing so which is normally a sign of her being triggered.

I just spent two days with her and she basically doesn't eat all day, resulting in her feeling dissy and light headed. At this point I stepped in and made her something to eat and some tea with a bit of sugar in it (I thought the sugar might boost her energy levels a bit) but thinking back on it now I realise that she gets a lot of headaches and dizziness and that it's all probably due to not eating.
thank you very much for your advice.

[Indigo]

..... I hate seeing people suffer with eating disorders I've been there myself and I know how it can completely dominate your life.... I just hope this doesn't take over hers !

[plasticsaint]

Originally Posted by Indigo

..... I hate seeing people suffer with eating disorders I've been there myself and I know how it can completely dominate your life.... I just hope this doesn't take over hers !

Yes, I hate seeing her this way too. I get the idea that it is more dominant than I know of to be honest. I have no idea how to go about this.