I don't understand dating around

[BreathingIn]

Hi everyone,

Ever since being with my first boyfriend for almost a year now, I'm discovering that I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of people dating around and having sex with multiple people over their life.

Yeah! Believe it or not! haha It sounds absolutely crazy, but it makes me feel so weird...

My boyfriend is 10 years older than me and he often references girls he's been with... "I dated a girl who did this... had this..." and so on. It makes me feel weird. It's not insecurity, because I know he loves me and we have a great relationship, and he's older than me, but I can't fathom the idea of sleeping with so many different people.

I guess it's because I have a relationship now where I could never imagine being with anyone else. I hold the idea of romance and love as something sacred, and I don't believe in being with just anyone.

Is this strange? I'm 21 years old, only have had one boyfriend who I'm with right now... I just am so torn up.

Or am I in the wrong? Is it normal to want to have sex with a bunch of people when you're young?? I think that's so sick... Sex is sacred and precious to me, it's not something that can be used up so easily.

I'm going to tell him that his references make me feel weird, and that I simply do not care in the least bit about any other girl he's been with. I don't want to hear it anymore. But at the same time, I don't want to put him down by saying that I can't stand the idea of sleeping with so many people.

[TheGuyinCanada]

He is basically bragging to you, if you do not like it just tell him. He will stop.

I'm 23 and have never been in a relationship so I don't know how things work really. But I do know most people around this age what to explore there sex life and just have fun. But it isn't wrong not to want to screw around with other people either, If you don't like him talking about other girls then just tell him that and ask him to please stop.

Sex is a very personal decision and everyone feels differently about it. Some people wait until marriage before they even kiss, let alone have sex. Others are very free with their sexuality and sleep with many, many people. Most people seem to fall somewhere between the two. Regardless of where one falls in the spectrum their approach isn't "right" or "wrong;" it's simply what works for them, and that's okay. To you sex and love are something sacred, and that's what works for you. To others it may not be, but that doesn't mean they are wrong, they just see it differently than you.

If hearing about your boyfriend's previous exploits bothers you I would suggest being honest with him about it. However, I would suggest thinking about how to phrase it before talking to him. For example, outright telling him "It makes me sick that you've slept with so many people" is not an approach that will nurture your relationship. Instead take away the judgment of him and make it about your feelings. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable and hurts your feelings when he talks about other sexual experiences to you. Hopefully he will understand why talking about sex with someone else to his current girlfriend may be upsetting. By expressing it that way, you respect the both of you and have a conversation that can further your relationship rather than tear it down.

[DiafolEternal]

Different people have different attitudes towards it. For me it is very special and intimate.
Only ever had 1 partner but i know enough people in work that make it their mission to wake up in someone elses bed after a night out. Usually dont mind who either.

But yea if its bothering you, tell him to stop. He should respect you enough to do so

[FireHeart]

Hey there,
It's perfectly fine that you don't like hearing about his ex's, since it bothers you I would suggest that you have a conversation with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If it's important to you I'm sure he'll make an effort to stop.

It's not wrong to not want to sleep with many people in your lifetime, but I'd be careful the way you judge people for how many people they sleep with. Sleeping with many different people doesn't necessarily mean that sex doesn't mean anything to them and that the people they sleep with don't mean anything to them. I know people who are polyamorous, meaning they have more than one partner and they all know about each other, sex is sacred to most of them too and they consider it to be a part of their spirituality even, they just expresses it in a different way. I wouldn't call it sick, it's just a different preference is all. There are people who do just date around, too, and it doesn't mean much to them. But again, it's just what they want for their romantic/sexual life at the time and if everyone involved is okay with it and enjoys it it's fine.

I personally am with you on the not dating around though, even though I don't really care if others do it I consider my relationships to be special and I want to focus on one person and love them as much as possible. I don't like dating people without meaning it and I certainly wouldn't enjoy sleeping with someone and not meaning it.

I hope this helped in some way and I wish you the best of luck.

[BreathingIn]

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

Sex is a very personal decision and everyone feels differently about it. Some people wait until marriage before they even kiss, let alone have sex. Others are very free with their sexuality and sleep with many, many people. Most people seem to fall somewhere between the two. Regardless of where one falls in the spectrum their approach isn't "right" or "wrong;" it's simply what works for them, and that's okay. To you sex and love are something sacred, and that's what works for you. To others it may not be, but that doesn't mean they are wrong, they just see it differently than you.

If hearing about your boyfriend's previous exploits bothers you I would suggest being honest with him about it. However, I would suggest thinking about how to phrase it before talking to him. For example, outright telling him "It makes me sick that you've slept with so many people" is not an approach that will nurture your relationship. Instead take away the judgment of him and make it about your feelings. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable and hurts your feelings when he talks about other sexual experiences to you. Hopefully he will understand why talking about sex with someone else to his current girlfriend may be upsetting. By expressing it that way, you respect the both of you and have a conversation that can further your relationship rather than tear it down.

Thank you so much for a really great response It made me think about things a little bit more openly. I love how you said that it's not "right" or "wrong", that's so incredibly true now as I think about it.

And you're right, I have to approach him in a non judgmental way and how I'll do that is something to really think about.

Thanks again! That was really insightful

[BreathingIn]

Originally Posted by FireHeart

Hey there,
It's perfectly fine that you don't like hearing about his ex's, since it bothers you I would suggest that you have a conversation with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If it's important to you I'm sure he'll make an effort to stop.

It's not wrong to not want to sleep with many people in your lifetime, but I'd be careful the way you judge people for how many people they sleep with. Sleeping with many different people doesn't necessarily mean that sex doesn't mean anything to them and that the people they sleep with don't mean anything to them. I know people who are polyamorous, meaning they have more than one partner and they all know about each other, sex is sacred to most of them too and they consider it to be a part of their spirituality even, they just expresses it in a different way. I wouldn't call it sick, it's just a different preference is all. There are people who do just date around, too, and it doesn't mean much to them. But again, it's just what they want for their romantic/sexual life at the time and if everyone involved is okay with it and enjoys it it's fine.

I personally am with you on the not dating around though, even though I don't really care if others do it I consider my relationships to be special and I want to focus on one person and love them as much as possible. I don't like dating people without meaning it and I certainly wouldn't enjoy sleeping with someone and not meaning it.

I hope this helped in some way and I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks bunches for a kind response This ties in with another response from DanceCommander, and you're both so right about it - I have to be careful of seeming too judgmental. I don't mean to be, but yeah it certainly comes off like I am. People are different, not wrong

But yeah, overall it simply hurts my feelings and I should let him know that my perspective on sex is what I said here. And it's okay, it's just different.

Thank you again!!