Found Ex on a Dating Site...

[PaleBlueShine]

Two months ago I found him on a dating/social network site, not just for dating... I asked him why and he said he was bored. He's only added like 45 girls, which is nothing and his activity is a little vague too. Could be telling the truth.

I upgraded to an account to where profile views are private, I've been viewing more as of late but not too much. He just doesn't call and has anxiety issues and two jobs. We've talked 3 times since then and everything was fine. Until I saw in the "locals" that he was the top closest to my gps location... 500ft. I called and asked, "hey, I saw on ***** that you were in town, did you swing by?" He kept saying "no I worked all day" like 5 times. Clearly he was in my complex because he lives 10 miles away. I told him we should hangout and he kept asking "what's new?" as to if I'm seeing someone.

Today, his profile was set to "you must be a friend to view profile."

Verdict and thoughts? What to do?

[Celyn]

Hey there,

Do you still have feelings for him? Or are you interested in just becoming friends?

If you want to become friends with your ex, I think you should just let him know that you want to stay in touch with him, as friends, and would like to catch up sometime. If you still have feelings for him, it may be best to try to move on, if he doesn’t have the same feelings towards you.

It can be hard with anxiety and two jobs to have the time and effort to call or arrange to meet up. But letting him know that you are always around for a chat, may be of some comfort to him.

Personally, I don’t trust locations, based off computers. Not sure about dating sites though. But my computer’s supposed location is nowhere near where I actually am. As to him asking ‘what’s new?’ it may be a general question.

I think you should talk to him and explain your feelings, and ask whether he is interested in staying in touch with you or not. I’ve looked up my ex on dating sites too, but it gets you nowhere.

All the best

[Coffee.]

He's your ex? I'm not entirely sure what the issue is. He has the right to date, and you seem to be obsessed in an unhealthy manner about the issue. The only part that concerned me about him was that he was in your complex, but that also could have meant he was in a cafe near your house or something.

Can you clarify the question so we can help more?

[Ambiance]

Hey there,

I don't know if you are concerned about him being on a dating site or that he was 500 feet away from you. I agree that the latter sounds like the biggest concern.

But the short answer that probably applies here is that you two broke up for a reason, and checking up on him online isn't going to help you move on. It doesn't matter if he is seeing other girls. I know it hurts, but it's true, he might be and has the right to and you knowing if he is or not will not absolve anything for you. It also signs like you both are giving some push-pull here and these are signs of a codependent relationship. I would just distance yourself from him, block his profile if you need to, and just focus on moving on from here.

[Always *]

I kind of agree with the others. If he is your ex, I am not quite sure why you care. If you are no longer together, of course he is entitled to move on in what ever way he deems fit.

If he has other friends or other possible reasons to want to be near by (ex. a cafe, restaurant, clients, etc.) then that might be why he was near by

He probably changed his settings because it would have made him really uncomfortable that you were challenging him on not wanting to see you. He was probably creeped out by the fact that you were following his behaviour/whereabouts on this website. It probably made it seem like you were just sitting around checking his profile all the time. Like, yes, the info is available but he was probably bothered by you following him around on it. Especially because he's your ex.

So beyond that, I am not really sure what you are looking for here. Maybe you can clarify.

[TheGuyinCanada]

Move on

If this person is your ex there's no reason for you to be involved in one another's dating lives. I think continually spying on each other's profiles is detrimental to your relationship and will impede on your ability to form a friendship, if that's what you both desire. I don't know if the two of you had some time apart after you broke up, but sometimes jumping straight into a friendship with an ex makes things hard. It's necessary to take the time to individuate your life from theirs before trying to become friends again, and it sounds like you have done that yet. It might be a good idea to take a bit of a break from each other's lives, especially if you think he's coming by and then lying about it. That shows an unhealthy involvement and an unwillingness to let go on his part. It can't hurt to take some space to sort things out for both of you.

[Lelola]

A. I think he was either visiting friends or a girl in your complex and didn't want you to know. I would lean towards a girl. If an ex called me and said they saw I was near them, I would be a little bit creeped out.

B. As if saying "what's new," that's kind of general thing I will ask people that I see if I haven't seen them in a long time or if I don't really want to talk to them but can't exit the conversation. He may have been trying to be nice.

C. What if he doesn't talk to you because he does not want to talk to you? That is something to consider.

D. Changing the profile to friends only is generally a sign that he doesn't want you to see his profile.

I would try to distance yourself from the ex. I think he did the right thing in changing his profile to "friends only" but he also should have been more upfront.