My boyfriend's family

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey guys,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. For three years I have said nothing and tolerated his family. Don't get me wrong I don't dislike them, sometimes they get in the way.
His step dad passed away about six months before we got together, so his mum relies on him alot. Don't get me wrong, at first I thought it was cute that he helped his mum and his sister out so much, but it becomes a problem a lot of the time.

His mum; she relies on him for everything. She doesn't work so he is the sole bread winner in the house. She gets into debt he pays it off. She's short on her side of the rent one month, he pays it. His mum doesn't have money for school shoes for his sister, he buys them. His mum is really particular about timings and such, if we are so much as 10 minutes later than we said we would be then she will do something petty to get back at him, say for example we come in later than we said then she will make dinner late so that we are late to go out and do something else. If she gets angry or upset about something then anyone is a target, including me. His mum has never been rude to me in saying something disrespectful to me, but I will come into the room and say hi and she will near enough ignore me. All of these things combined are really starting to get to me.

His sister; she basically relies on my boyfriend like a child would rely on a father. Don't get me wrong he is the eldest male in the house but he is not her dad and a lot of the things he does is not his responsibility. Sometimes we'll be sitting there just watching TV on the sofa and his sister will intentionally sit in between the two of us. Or we'll be in his room and she will just come in. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes it would just be nice to get time to ourselves.
She's going back to school in a couple of days, and we've got a couple of weeks off to spend together because we don't get time together and yet 'we have to do stuff with her as his mum hasn't had the funds to take her out and do much with her this summer'. Don't get me wrong I feel bad for her, but we get little time together as it is, and it's annoying that almost all the time we're at his we have to entertain his sister in some way or another, be that walking the dog with her, taking her where ever we're going etc.

His brother; his brother is three years younger so the same age as me and he does nothing, my boyfriend gets the brunt of everything. He's free to go out with his girlfriend whenever he wants and no one makes him do anything.

I know it may seem like I'm ranting but we're trying to save for a deposit for our own place and there's always some kind of financial obligation to stop him saving, so it feels like we are never going to have our own space and our own home. I must sound like such a miserable, horrible person but is it so much for me to ask for him to put me before his family sometimes. It's difficult to put what I want to say into words, not without insulting him. I get on with his mum and his sister at least, but sometimes they are too much, we're a young couple and we just don't get to do all of the things most people our age get to do because money is usually an issue. His mum hasn't worked for the past god knows how long, and she says she's going to go out and get a job but nothing ever materialises. I guess I've been raised differently my parents have always worked hard and if either of them was to lose their job or anything they would be first in line actively looking for something new. I do understand his mum is of a certain age and she finds it difficult to get out there and find work that suits her but my boyfriend and I are both working long hours and working hard for the money we earn and yet it seems like we'll never have our own home to show for it. I feel like I come last all the time, and whatever I feel has to be put on the back burner incase they are offended.

I feel like I am in a hopeless situation which I am never going to get out of and as the years go on I am just going to get more and more pushed to the side.

Thanks for any help in advance.
Paige

[Celyn]

Hi Paige,

That sounds like a very difficult and frustrating situation to be in! Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel about all of this? Or asked him how he feels about the situation? It’s kind of clichéd but good communication can definitely help.

It is good that he is such a caring person to help out, but you are right for feeling that it has become problematic.

With regards to his mum; has she always been this way or has it got worse since your boyfriends step dad passed away? I’m wondering if there are underlying issues as to why she doesn’t work and gets into debt, and maybe the passing of your boyfriends step dad has made her become more insecure. How is your boyfriend’s relationship with his mum? Maybe he could talk to her about it? It’s good that he is willing to help out, but if it has been like this for a long time, it isn’t really fair on your boyfriend.

As for his sister, it is understandable that she relies on him like a father, but you are right for saying that it is not his responsibility. I don’t know how old she is, but how is her social life? Would she be allowed to have friends over whilst you and your boyfriend can do other things? Also what about her relationship with her mum? I get the feeling that she may be clingy towards your boyfriend if she doesn’t have a stable parental relationship.

I don’t know what to say about his brother. It is not fair that your boyfriend has most, or all, of the responsibility for the family, when his brother does not seem to do much. Could your boyfriend perhaps talk to him and say he would appreciate the help sometimes?

It is very understandable that you feel this way. You and your boyfriend sound like very mature people, who simply want to save up for a place together. You are not a horrible person for feeling this way. It is not fair on you or your boyfriend that he is relied upon so heavily when it seems that the rest of the family take advantage of that. It is also not healthy for his family, if there are underlying issues, that they rely so much on your boyfriend. One day, he will ‘fly the nest’ as they say, and then what? It can be difficult when your family and his family have different attitudes to work, but that still does not make it right, for them to be relying on him. Obviously, families are important, but it’s not fair on you to feel this way, so my advice really is to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel.

Hope things work out for you both!

[xxpaigiexx]

Hi Holly,

Thank you for your advice.
I have done in the past but nothing ever changes, things change for a time but that's it. I think he knows partly how I feel but not entirely. We got together just after his step dad passed away, but I know things were very different. His mum still charged him rent as my parents do, but it was a reasonable amount. He contributes the most to the household.
I'm going to think on things and speak with him I think.
Thank you for your help again!
Paige