Overprotective Mothers and Dating

[Chimouto]

I'll start from the beginning.

Ever since I was a child, I was always sheltered to the point that I'd be yelled at for just going outside without consent. I was granted a little freedom to go outside from the first grade to the third grade, until the time when my breasts started growing. I'm from a Filipino family, and my father was the more open parent. My mom would be the paranoid-stricken parent. It was pretty much sad when my father had died when I was 16 due to depression.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 11 months now, and I'm turning 18 next month. We have an age gap of three years, and it has always been my preference to date someone older than me due to my father (their age gap is almost 10 years) and because I'm a daddy's girl. I never got to the extent that I wanted to marry my dad when I was child, though, since it was already mentally stamped in me that I'd date someone that's not in the family. My boyfriend is already a college graduate and is now looking for a decent job. We've had fights here and there, and he's not doing drugs or anything that looks negative in front of my mother's eyes (there's always the occasional potty-mouthing, but he limits to such extent). We both love gaming, but we also have gaming preferences as well. He's more on the strengthening side while I'm more story-oriented. Other than that, he writes stories and actually won an award in the NaNoWriMo contest. Me, on the other hand, draws a lot. By a lot, I meant... well, a lot. It's also in my college major, which is Multimedia Arts. My boyfriend is also a virgin, and he has that mental sickness which he calls Oneitism, where there is excessive loyalty to the one person he loves. As for me, I have experienced bullying and being rejected a lot to the point that I have developed the mentality of "one-of-a-kind love". It's quite a good blend, isn't it?

There is this certain culture in my country when the female in the family turns 18, there will be a debut. Mostly formal, with the 18 roses and 18 candles signifying a girl turning into a woman. When I was born, my dad was very happy to find out that they had a girl (I have two older brothers) to the point that he prepared a dance number and a song to sing for my debut. I'm granting his frustration by going on with the debut.

What's the relation between those?

I'm going to open up to my mother after my debut. I'm with the logic of, "I won't learn unless I get hurt." If ever something does happen I'll be taking responsibility for it. I have told one of my brothers and a cousin of mine that I'm going out with someone, and most of my friends know that I do have a boyfriend. I need any advice for that. I'm trying to consider all possibilities, and that includes me being shut in totally with eyes around me 24/7, or with my education stopped (my tuition is no joke, it's around 350 USD and it's already a lot for PHP standards), or even having me not hanging out with my friends at all (I'm not even allowed to go to their birthday parties, and it's once in a blue moon that she'd allow me).

Spoiler:

I'm not sure if this is out of topic, but this is quite related to my mother. She may be overprotective, but she mostly just wants me to stay home and do my chores. But with my college activities (painting, programming) and the one-and-a-half hour of somewhat delirious trip to my college because of my mother not wanting me to move out, I have reached to the point that I've dropped two subjects and failed another two on the third term. I have also developed chest pains due to stress and it has been going for a while now. I have told my mother about the chest pains already, and for some reason she conceived it as "just for play so I don't do my chores". It's been over a year since I had developed such signs and symptoms, and I haven't gone to the doctor's yet.

To relieve that stress, either I do handicrafts (drawing, paper crafts, wood crafts), play computer games, read books, making music, and sometimes, cosplay. She had forbidden me to do the cosplay part since she thinks that it's affecting my studies. She had somehow pushed me to working out as a form of stress-relieving, but she had given up when I had given her the reason that I have my own way of relieving stress.

She also gets worried when I haven't gone home yet by 8pm. But that worry goes to the extent of asking me what was the reason why I'm late and then not believing what I had said. Somehow she assumes that I've been doing some adult things which is why I've gone home that late. My trip is one and a half hour long from college, and sometimes heavy traffic kicks in. I get out of school by 5:30pm or 6:00pm depending on my schedule and sometimes I eat dinner on a nearby convenience store so that I'll just rest when I come home. I guess I can consider myself lucky since she finally allowed me to commute by my own when I was in my senior year.

[Azure.]

Hi there! Sorry for such a late response!

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this. It must be really hard to want to do your own thing and not be allowed to. Have you tried to sit down with your mother and have a serious conversation about how you're feeling? I think that might help! Communication is important because your mom will never know that you don't like the way things are unless you tell her. If you have trouble talking to your mom, you could always write her a letter explaining how you feel. However, it is also important to understand her side of things too. Hopefully, you'll be able to compromise on privileges. Remember, you're getting older! I'm not sure at what age you are considered an adult in your specific area, but here it is 18. That means you're getting closer to making your own rules. Good luck with everything!

[bitesize]

Hi. I think it's understandable that your mum can be a little overprotective, especially because you're the only girl in your family, and you lost your dad at such a young age. However it is definitely important to think of your own needs. I think it would be good to have a talk with her and let her know you're ready to be seen as an adult and have a little more space. But do remember to be understanding and sensitive about it - it can be hard for parents to accept that their children want to grow up so soon.