Non-PG13 (Strong Language): The sex that my girlfriend has had

[Silenus]

I'm with a beautiful girl with a great personality, and we care about each other very much. I've known her my whole life, and this summer she'll be my wife. Unfortunately there's something troubling me. We have talked about it, but nothing she does or says really helps. I just can't get over it.

A couple of years back she had a sex date with someone in order to lose her virginity. We were not together then, but she didn't dare go alone, so she brought me with her. The guy is actually a distant relative of mine, and is much older than both of us. Well, they talked for a while in the couch, and eventually she gave him a stupid and awkward blowjob. They discussed how they would do it. She just wanted to have sex in order to get it over with, she wanted it to be sexual but not personal in any way. He suggested he could take her from behind, and made her stand by a table. As they were getting ready I asked if I should give them some privacy, but he told me I could learn from watching the act. So I watched. [edit] The second time was more successful and longer lasting, but really, really vulgar. [edit] The rest was pretty uneventfull. She pulled her pants up, thanked him for the sex, and had a short conversation with him, before she wanted to leave. They hugged briefly, and I followed her home on the subway. She was really sore when she walked, and needed to take a pill against pregnancy.

I admitt that it was kind of a turn on to watch them have sex, but it feels terrible to know that she lost her virginity in such a sleazy and explicit way. It feels like my property has been intruded upon. Yeah, I realize that "everybody has a past" and that I'm lucky to have her. It would have been better if it was with a previous boyfriend or something, then it would be on more equal terms. I'm also sad I'll never get to take a virginity. It's terrible that the guy knows I'm with her, and knows the feeling of having been inside her and being pressed up against her. I mean, I watched all that. The worst part is, that he might be there at the wedding, and I can't really stop him. It would look really weird if I were to deny him. Nobody knows about this, but my bride in white would actually have been had by someone in the room. She says it's just a mistake she made when she was experimenting, and that I should try to forget about it, but I really can't. No matter what I do, I can't get the slapping sounds against her buttocks out of my mind, or the sight of another man enjoying himself inside my wife to be. Is there any way I can make peace with this?

[Always *]

Ok for one, I just want to emphasize that I am really sorry that you're having to grapple with this: it definitely sounds like an extremely awkward, unpleasant memory. It's bad enough you know how it happened, you actually had to witness it. And that's got to be hard to live with.

It's just... one thing...

It feels like my property has been intruded upon.

Comments like that are extremely iffy for me. I know you probably didn't mean it as literally as I read it. But if any way you think she's yours and only yours (like property) could just make the situation worse for you. Especially cause, really, it's totally not the era for women being property. I'm not trying to criticize you... It's just, it's really hard for me to let comments like that go.

I think that you need to tell her that, yes, she recognizes how "stupid" it was, but that it's just something that's a horrible memory for you. It's bad enough to know what happened without having visual and auditory memories. But, at the same time, it's probably hard for her to (especially if she's guilty and trying to divert blame: she made a stupid decision and probably wants to forget it). Telling you to get over it isn't fair at all.

If this memory is intruding with your ability to maintain a healthy relationship (ex. if it is affecting your sex life or emotional connection to her) you should get some counselling, I can only do so much through the internet. So that would be step #1. Also, if it's interfering with your relationship then you need to consider if you can ever get over it and if it'll interfere in more serious ways now or later.

The next thing I'd do is seriously consider uninviting this guy. If he isn't close to either of you, given you're history with him it is not unreasonable to say he isn't welcome at the wedding. It's your wedding and you shouldn't have to feel awkward and uncomfortable there. This is especially true if his invitation (or potential invitation) is what is triggering the anxiety/disgust/discomfort (insert relevant emotion) over the memories. There are ways to do this courteously (you can probably google it!). If he has connections to other family members and you don't want him to spread the reason around then googling how to word it courteously is ultra important: there are lots of people who don't want X family members at their weddings, the information is very wide spread. It's ok. You aren't obligated to have anyone at your wedding if you do not want them there. If your girlfriend/fiancee protests tell her that because of what happened that you really are not ok with him being there, end of story: people should only go to a wedding if both parties want that person there, it's a special day for both of you, not just the only bride (or only groom). If one person really doesn't want a person there then that person shouldn't be there. I mean, there are a few exceptions: the mom, the dad, brothers/sisters or the best friend. But thats about it, and this guy doesn't seem to be close to either of you and if his invitation is causing you distress you're entitled to not invite him.----If you were previously able to handle that this happened (awkward and horrible as it was) and it just started overwhelming you after you realized he'd be at your wedding, I'd say shoot straight for this. Make sure you're girlfriend knows how distressed you are!

[taylalatbh.]

Hey there.

I must say that this a very strange story. I've never heard of someone going with someone to be in the room while they have sex, so that's a new one to me. I would say that talking to her about this could help you out a lot. But you need to remember that this is in her past, and probably doesn't mean a thing to her. I think the situation has been made worse because you watched it happen. You need to try and think of it in a different way, though. Obviously, she wasn't cheating on you when she did it, so you can't let her having sex prior to you become a problem to you. That's not healthy, and I wouldn't advise marrying her and starting a life with her while you have this hanging over your head.

The previous posters advice for seeing a therapist about this could really benefit you. You obviously have some issues with the fact that your girlfriend has had sex infront of you previously and there's only so much we (as non-professionals) can do for you.

You also don't need to allow this guy to be at the wedding. If he's not a close relative of yours then you can disallow him. But, as stated above, her previous partners shouldn't be a problem for you, that's something that you need to work on because it's not healthy.

I hope you manage to work through this.

[dr2005]

Wallflower and Taylala have hit the nail on the head, really. Firstly, you need to discuss this with your wife-to-be properly and clear the air - as Wallflower says, it's not fair for her to tell you to "get over it" as such, and you don't want this hanging over your head when you're about to say your vows. Secondly, you should seek professional help to work through this if at all possible - it's clearly causing you a lot of trauma, and in light of the "property" comment that's coming out in a very unhealthy way for your future matrimonial life together. Giving it a bit of time and emotional investment to work through properly will benefit you both in the long run. Thirdly, I would say don't be so hung up about the virginity aspect of it - my girlfriend wasn't a virgin when we met and started dating, so likewise I'm never going to experience being her "first", but it really doesn't matter frankly. She is with me and we are committed to each other, and that is what counts.

Finally, as has been said, if you are genuinely uncomfortable having this guy at the wedding (and I can certainly understand why) then you don't have to have him there. Your wife-to-be should understand the reasons why in the context. As Taylala says, though, the main thing is to focus on addressing the effect this is having on you, as it's the best way forward.

Hope some of that helps and take care.

[Usernames Suck]

First of all, I find this situation rather strange and unlikely, especially the amount of detail you put into your post.

If you're telling the truth then I definitely recommend seeing a therapist to help you sort out your feelings.

The only problem I can see here is if anything of what happened to you that day was against your consent, such as if you were forced or felt pressured to stay and participate/watch. In this case, discussing clear boundaries with your girlfriend would be extremely important as nobody should be forced to engage in or watch sexual activity of any kind without their consent.

Otherwise, it sounds like it's your mindset that is the problem here. Your girlfriend is not your property. What does it matter if the way she lost her virginity was sleazy in your opinion or not? I'd probably suggest that you find someone whose world view is more similar to yours but if you think of women as property then maybe staying single is best.

Unfortunately, what's done is done. You can't change the fact that your fiance lost her virginity in the manner she did. Frankly, in the end, it was her choice to make. Regardless of whether she regrets it or not, she owns that, not you. I realize that here at TH we will all have different views, and I do respect your traditionalism. However, even if you favor a more traditional view of marriage and family, the fact remains that your fiance is not actually property. She is responsible for her own choices and has the right to make them. It's important to recognize her autonomy, including within your marriage. Someone did not "spoil" property for you; your wife-to-be made a choice of her own free will, and that choice was not to spite you; it wasn't about you at all. It's important to recognize that.

You also made a choice at the time to stay in the room. From what you said no one actually forced you to be in there or to watch. You could've left. These images that are causing such pain are ones you inflicted upon yourself. I'm not berating you or saying your pain isn't valid, but I am saying there was a choice made, and it's important to take personal responsibility for it instead of acting like it just happened to you.

And there is a choice to be made now, before you get married, because it would be a bad idea to let this hang. Assuming you DO want this to end in marriage, I believe you have two choices:

1) Find a way to move past it and get married
2) Don't get past it and get married

I highly recommend the first option, because getting married without working on something this big will almost certainly start your marriage off poorly. However, it's up to you to work on this, because nothing your fiance can say or do will change the past. I would recommend either the one or both of you seeing a therapist together. It may hep you immensely in working through the emotions you have about this.

Good luck.